Why I’m Not a Woman (featuring old pictures and art) 💅🏼👔🏈


Silhouettes dancing to hallelujah, feel it running through your veins Holding yellow roses, as sunset closes It’s you when I’m waking up and I need a touch Hey everyone! This video is going to cover topics including transition, dysphoria I look back at some old photos of me feminine expression as well as gender exploration If you think any of that could potentially trigger your dysphoria, then this vid might not be for you. Catch me later, totally okay! So I’m gonna try to have a shorter intro for this video If you haven’t seen it already what you’re about to watch is going to be the counterpart of a video I made a while ago called why I’m not a boy where I ask folks to draw me as a boy Whatever that meant to them and I reacted to their art Today I’m gonna react to some girl art along the way We’ll probably have some cool conversations about what it means to be a woman or look like a woman; spoiler alert There is no right way to look like a woman. That’s the whole point gender does not equal expression But before we dive into things I want to respond to an anticipated comment, I can feel in case you’re new here Hey I’m Ash I’m non-binary and I’ve chosen to take steps to physically and medically transition in order to alleviate Some of my dysphoria but note that it is Totally valid to be non-binary and not do that and I can see folks asking. Why would you do this? Why would you want to look at yourself as a girl? Wouldn’t that cause you dysphoria? valid pondering hypothetical internet human Yes, and no Let’s first remember that this whole thing is not that different from when binary trans folks make videos reacting to old photos of themselves a very common trans YouTube trope and I do Indeed plan to incorporate some old pictures it making me crazy making me hot, twisted and tied up in knots Oh Y’all are in for a treat. Do you even remember what I looked like that? I don’t it can be empowering to see how far you’ve come how much you’ve changed I can tell that I am so much happier here than I am here and it can be validating to look at something That’s not you and get that immediate gut reaction. Oh my gosh, who’s that? That is so not Ash, I clearly made the right choice Oh, so while some images will probably give me a few uncomfortable feels I just have to remember that they aren’t me- at least as I am now I’m usually capable of distancing myself enough from these things Which are simply markings on paper or digital Squiggles, to remember that I am incredibly happy with the current body and expression that I have as it relates to my gender So these illustrations personally don’t threaten me. I know they can’t come get me and make me look like them I feel safe and secure enough in myself to do this However, that’s just me and not every trans person is gonna feel the same way Which is totally valid understandable and okay also fun fact when I made the boy video looking at some of the manly art made me feel strange sometimes too – like for example This and this. Nope, uh-uh That’s not me since I’m non-binary afterall Gendering me as a guy can be just as wrong as gendering me as a girl maybe in the future I’ll ask folks to draw me as Non-binary, whatever that means to them that could be fun in the end This is just an opportunity to have an awesome conversation about gender identity and expression For those who want to participate you don’t have to also it’s such a solid illustration pun intended of what a nifty Experimentation tool art is it’s a fun non permanent way to visualize yourself differently You can try something on on paper and if you don’t like it, no harm, no foul You didn’t actually do anything to yourself rip it up. Toss it in the trash. It’s reversible maybe you’re a Closeted trans feminine person nervous and unsure about whether or not you want to venture into the women’s section of clothing stores So you dry yourself in a dress first to see if it’s even worth it or soak up some gender euphoric feels and it doesn’t Even have to relate to gender perhaps you want to try a different haircut or get a tattoo But you’re afraid to commit then doodle a bunch of different styles and things on yourself first as long as you remember that a drawing isn’t guaranteed to look or feel exactly like reality then it’s a nice way to Experiment slow controlled manner Wow. I lied. This intro is long. Okay art time This is really cute I wouldn’t want to look like this, but I’d see this person and want to be their friend It looks like me the style is a bit different the hair is not that different. She’s kind of adorable This one’s really similar, but I feel a little bit more like this one I don’t know why and based off the last three drawings. I’ve determined that girls wear chokers. This is cute I can tell I’m gonna say cute a lot- nix the eyelashes and the choker make the vest a little longer Because that’s a little more masculine I don’t know why in my weird opinion and add a septum ring and it is me also Can we talk about how talented? Everyone is obviously I dig the gender nonconformity here girls can totally have armpit hair and wear boxer briefs But still rock flowy pink sheer skirt things nice. This girl is badass They have confidence nothing intimidates them. That’s just the vibe. I get also they must be a genderqueer girl because of the flag Underneath my name. I think it’s just the eyelashes and the pink lips that keep me disconnected from a lot of these also the chest bump This human submitted a piece for my boy video and it was just like this and it was super cute and this one’s super cute too I feel most aligned with the one wearing mismatching socks But surprisingly I do feel a minimal kinship to the figure with long hair Maybe it’s just cuz they’re wearing a hoodie that says puns I think this was inspired by the time period in which I had purple hair because the only reason I had purple hair was cuz I broke my arm. I didn’t have to go to work and it was gonna be the only time in my life I’d be allowed to have purple hair and this drawing has a cast I feel like bright colored hair is a rite of passage for most queer people. Not really, but it’s fun I like natural hair better though. I don’t think I’ll ever dye my hair again, but this person’s cool I would be so uncomfortable in that outfit though Ah, and now we’ve reached the side ponytail portion of the video who remembers the side ponytail This looks just like me by the way, very good. I think it was taken from like a direct reference of me So when I look at this, I don’t really see ash as a girl. I just see ash pre Figuring themselves out I think this person is adorable the eyelashes and the lips are a bit feminine also note their hair is way messier than my hair would ever be when I wore the side ponytail because all I was trying to do then was like Maintain control and hide my hair. I was not comfortable missing it around letting it just be itself like in this drawing here Yep hair not only contained in braid but hidden in hat, it feels good Not having to hide anymore This is well done But it’s a little cringe inducing because it looks just like me it is the perfect cartoon version of me before I started expressing Authentically and when I look at this all those past feelings of insecurity and confusion just come flooding back I don’t know why but I think this ash girl looks French Somebody sent me this and I wanted to include it because I could in fact look exactly as I am and be a girl there Are no rules girls out there do whatever you want. You have short hair and piercings and wear hats and masculine clothing That is an amazing way to be a girl I like this drawing and I feel like this drawing and I think this drawing is me they’re a cutie aren’t they? I’d look like that and a girl can look like that we can both look like that What’s gonna cause me the most dysphoria during this is probably seeing the chest bumps. This piece is super adorable I’m assuming it’s me and grace. Ah This gives me flashbacks to like prom when I had to wear dresses cuz I didn’t start expressing that androgynous late into college I just fought my way through high school Uncomfortably and kind of femininely although I’d always have my hair up. Yeah I don’t know what I’d do if I had to wear this dress today. Hmm that smirk You can tell this person is feeling their dress. If I was in the dress, I would not be feeling the dress Yeah, just so girly. I mean that’s what I asked for I was okay at being girly sometimes and by that, I mean I could make it look cute I was like a moderately attractive Feminine person but most of the photos I ever took with my hair down were home alone because I just like was way too uncomfortable ever to go outside like that and then a majority of the time the outside matched the Inside and I just looked and felt awkward I had these bangs I didn’t know what to do with they just swept across my head and I hair sprayed them to death in place and I bobby pinned them down and I couldn’t not have the Folks the bangs helped hide me. This is a very sweet drawing. I feel like I look younger. I like the medium though Is it like watercolor or chalk or it’s neat some of these are so real? Like they hit this is what I would look like if I was trying hard to fit in Minus the septum ring. Such fashion! I like their gloves and boots and hip Leather things this individual looks like they’d be really kind and bake you cookies Oh like the best teacher ever This is like Miss Honey. Ah Okay. Yeah, this one taps into the curve in hip dysphoria But I do like how body-positive this individual is and they have so much confidence and agency over what they wear Pants a dress both are great options. I could rock either I feel like this person says all right at this point we’ve gotten through some art So let’s get in a quick word from this video sponsor, which helps me pay the bills. So, thank you, Skillshare Skillshare is an online learning community with thousands of classes in art business technology and more I love using Skillshare for editing and drawing purposes and for today’s video I took a class on digital illustration in order to recreate my favorite Ash girl piece. This is it pretty good, right? I mean it was mostly copying and Stuff, but I did it Premium Membership on Skillshare gives you unlimited access to high-quality classes from experts working in their fields So you can improve your skills unlock new opportunities and do the work you love also an annual subscription is only ten dollars which is way cheaper than a lot of other learning platforms check out the link below to find more and the first 500 people get a free trial You should do it get ready just in case I decide to do a draw me as non-binary video, which would be fun I love how artistic this piece is comment below your personal interpretation of it I’m not sure but I like it and if I were to only look at the top half I would feel kind of connected to it that connection goes away as soon as you see the back But it’s cool. And we continue with the abstract theme here I’m a side braid princess in a pantsuit just expressing a ton of shit out of my hands I like apples and pizza and beach balls and balloons confession I have an insecurity about having a small head and this piece Reinforced that a little this girl is a lumberjack who built their own log cabin with their giant hands Because they rock this artists chair to be an email that they drew this to show that girls can do anything Which I love! Be an astronaut, be gay This is all an alternate-dimension right a different universe where I’m a girl so I could also be amab I could be a trans girl who wears pansexual socks I could be a hecka cute girl with body hair and facial hair and blue lipstick I really enjoy the abstract nature of this piece. It’s cool This character has a lot of similarities to myself except their eyebrows are clearly done. Good for you groom your eyebrows, girl A person who watches me that I got to meet in real life through this their name is Alex They’re very cool and clearly very talented I don’t know why but this looks like me if I were a girl and 35 and worked at a library. This person reads a lot and has some very strict rules about how their libraries run but they’re fun That’s what I get from this. This is also a nerdy girl. They have like some hidden talent though Like I feel like they draw comics and are very good at it. This person is cool But reminds me of the time when I used to wear makeup, which is super rare now I used to really like top eyelid liquid eyeliner, but recently I haven’t been digging it. Also, it’s really challenging to apply It’s cute. That’s all I have to say about this one. I like this girl’s style a lot I would wear that hat and shirt combo. Oh a badass girl. I have a question. Do I have blonde hair or brown hair? I don’t know. I’m always unsure of what to put on. My driver’s license if hair is a spectrum I’m nan blonde re or nan brown area. Tell me what you think. Let’s decide today. Ash-har del blonde or brunette Ooh, this one’s cool. I really like this one I love how gender nonconforming so many of y’all’s girls were it shows me that you’re not restricted by gender roles rules or norms Which is rad isn’t this one amazing another pretty girly piece. Thank you so much for watching. I love Appreciating y’all’s art featured artists will be compensated because supporting the community is good also all their links will be in the description below in case you want to reach out follow or Inquire about a commissioned job comment below and tell me how you experiment with appearance and I’ll see you later. Ok. Bye Pop Music

100 comments

  1. Ahhhh, this was sure something! While it's not always 100% comfy to remember, I also have a fond place in my heart for side ponytail Ash 🙂 How do you experiment with appearance? Also, please share an embarrassing fashion phase or dorky hairstyle you sported in your past to make me feel better. Thank you XP

  2. So….I'm confused…I'm trying to understand so I might be able to figure out my gender but I'm having trouble understanding different genders…can someone help me?!?!

  3. Lovely watching you expressing yourself over the years, and your appearance and confidence have definetly changed a lot. Just wondering though, are you an immortal being made of rainbows and representation, because where is the aging? Seriously, is it just cos I am vision impaired, or did thatg ten year or so timeline look more like two age wise? Gah, envy.

  4. I have a question: I'm identified as bisexual but I never met a nonbinary or a genderflouid person or something like this. So, how can i be sure I'm not interested to them? And how can I come out?

  5. I’m a cis female and I have a non binary friend (born as female) and they are planning on having top surgery and I’m so proud of them because they know that they are not happy as a female and are very open about it and are willing to change themselves in order to be happy.

  6. I remember the day you took your hair out of the ponytail for the first time on cam 😃 and now look at you. You're such a good role model to do you, to not be afraid to make changes that'll make you happier despite all the hate. I wish I had HALF the confidence you have to come this far and also.. Wish I had your awesome hair 😅 🙂

  7. Im trying to find out my gender I think I'm gender fluid but I cosplay and I like to cosplay male and female characters so I can't tell since I feel confident in my cosplays…but out of cosplay I dont feel like a girl and I dont identify as a girl I like to be called he more then she but I know I'm not a boy …..I gonna watch more of ash's videos

  8. I used to think I was trans. Now, I just believe the only thing that makes you a girl/boy is your structure. ❤️ I’m just a tomboy

  9. the only thing i know for how to look nonbinary is the way i look with my little bowtie (i still look like a girl becouse can't make iriversibal changes yet)

  10. 5:56 I was able to get a fantasy coloured wig that I think goes with my skin tone https://www.wigs.com/products/dare-to-be-synthetic-wig-raquel-welch

  11. I don’t really understand why you say they are not you. I’m trans and I still acknowledge I looked and semi identified as a guy before I transitioned. It was still me, I just felt strange the way I looked so I changed it, but it was still me.

  12. this might not be the place for this. but i’m stuck.
    Ive given up on “passing” because i know i can’t get my family to accept me, and i feel like my gender is my business and i find my problems always end up in how I feel about myself. Does anyone have anyways I can feel masculine? I only see videos about how to pass but I want to pass to myself. Like I can shove a sock in my trousers and bind my chest until my ribs break but it doesn’t erase how i feel about havin lady parts, you feel me?

  13. I have to go to a prom eventually and I have an existential crisis every time I think about it Bc I know I'll have to wear a dress

  14. Are you kidding?! Your hair is obviously LIGHT ASH BROWN! Which is actually the name of the haircolor I used to use. The picture on the box looked like your hair color.

  15. I'd say your hair is a light brown, maaaaaybe a dark blonde, idk, I feel like my definition of what counts as "blonde" tends to be pretty light

  16. I think your hair is light brown. You’re still going to be confused when you read the other comments because the answer is so split! 🙃

  17. I now dub ‘How far we’ve come’ by Matchbox 20, the transgender (transitioning into any gender) anthem.

    I believe the world is burning to the ground
    Oh well, I guess we’re gonna find out
    Let’s see how far we’ve come
    Lets see how far we’ve come
    I believe the world is coming to an end
    Oh well, I guess we’re gonna pretend
    Let’s see how far we’ve come
    Let’s see how far we’ve come

  18. my science teacher is trans. She has a lgbtq+ poster outside of her classroom, and she sometimes wear a pin with the trans flag colors. When I was told she was once a man, I was really surprised. All the kids at my school are calling her Mr. (not to her face) and it really upsets me. I always call her by her preferred pronouns. I really respect the lgbtq+. She is actually leaving school for 2 weeks for surgery which I am guessing is for her full transformation. so yea. just a lil story.

  19. Sometime I can't tell if I just love drawing {female born} people with a flat {binding} chest that also have short hair like ashes, or I wanna be that person. Or both.

  20. So they chopped your pee pee off and stuck a hole there?

    Edit: You have both?
    NOT MENT TO BE RUDE. PEOPLE HAVE QUESTIONS!

  21. Me is Genderqueer: I say I is a man, womanz, andz a something in between. I’m not sure what I am but I am all, but none. May be girl one day. Orz a dudez. Also a both mix.

    Sorry… I know how to talk properly. I just talk like this because it’s fun.
    Edit: 5:08 – NAME = GENDERQUEER FLAGGGGGGGGG

  22. Am I the only one who thought Ash's comment about Mrs. Honey funny. The newer generation won"t understand who she is.

  23. I’m a completely straight woman, and I was very conservative, that you’re born a girl and you stay a girl and marry a man. UNTIL, my mom married a man, and his son is having a lot of self identity problems. I think he’s scared of being judged. We would support him no matter what btw. But my step sister came out as Bi this past summer and I seriously credit my open mindedness to people like you. It opened up my mind and saw that not all people are the same and people in the LGBTQ+ are some of the most down to earth, AMAZING people ever. So thank you. ❤️

  24. My friend just came put a non binary, I live in a conservative state so this is all a little new to me, I get the basic jist, but any pointer would be welcome.

  25. WOW, I can’t even imagine I’m in 8th grade (I’m bisexual a girl who dresses fairly feminine) my non-binary friends and lots of people I know express themselves with androgyny, it’s so normalized, I often forget that not all schools are like that.

  26. Are you not sitting on that couch bc you don’t what to assume that that couch is for sitting or that it wants to be sat upon?

  27. i'm 35 years old. I've been an atheist since junior high. seeing you now versus then makes me want to institute a theocracy. we've fallen too far.

  28. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. There's nothing masculine about you in any aspect of your mannerisms. You radiate femininity. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

  29. I'm bi, I'm married to a guy, I love gothic clothes and guys clothes. Sometimes I look super girly, and sometimes I look like a dude with boos lol. I'm so glad my husband loves all of me

  30. One time I looked at a friend’s school photo, and I forgot how long her hair was. (She’s trans) she has really short hair now kinda like yours.

  31. Your hair is the same colour mine was before I started dyeing it! I always called it light brown no matter how many people insisted it was dark blonde…. whatever you think it is, it is!

  32. My God you're so young, and you've gone and mutilated yourself, you're very intelligent but its worthless without Wisdom, i hope for your own sake you should never Awaken

  33. Ok um question when you pick up the phone what do people say 😱 do they say male? Female? Or just trans or the obviously rude option it

  34. Ash, before you go through with surgery please check out the important facts in this transgender guide…a fearless experimentation refers to a value deficit. Yet, you are extremely valuable so I hope that you enjoy reading this guide…

    https://genderresourceguide.com/wp-content/themes/genderresource/library/documents/NPRGFullDocumentPrintV17.pdf

    https://genderresourceguide.com/wp-content/themes/genderresource/library/documents/NPRGFullDocumentPrintV17.pdf

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