The Crow (Sega Saturn) – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)


(ding dong) AAHH! NO! These god damed kids! They left me a flaming bag of shit!! The Crow: City of Angels It was on PC, Playstation, and Sega Saturn And all the same, the PC version was a piece of crap, the PS version was a piece of shit, and the Saturn version was a satanic turd more lethal than ten tons of donkey dookie dropping from a 60-story building!! The Crow was a dark action film based on a comic series. The film takes place the night before Halloween, Mischief Night or Devil’s Night which is associated with the more destructive version of Mischief Night which is not so much about petty pranks but more about vandalism and arson. It’s also somewhat related to an older tradition Guy “Fucks” Night But that’s another story. Anyway, The Crow of course starred Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee’s son. You can’t talk about The Crow without mentioning the fact that he was accidentally killed on-set by a defective gun blank. Ya, I have nothing but tragedy to tell today. The plot was about a rockstar named Eric Draven. He and his girlfriend are violently killed by a horrible gang. But he’s resurrected and seeks his revenge after a crow leads his soul back to the world of the living. Yeah, it sounds weird when you say it fast, but it was a pretty good movie. While not perfect, it was stylized with a gloomy and surreal comic book tone, similar to Tim Burton’s Batman. That would be a good time to make a video game, right? No, there were no games based on The Crow. Nada! Diddly fuckin’ squat! Then came the shitty sequel, The Crow: “Shitty” of Angels! HO HO! Now it’s time to make a game! Ugh! Alright, let’s pop this fuckin’ turd in here! Loading… Yeah My ass is loading! Okaaaaay… Great opening screen! Take a guess which tiny pixely blob is me? The one in the center that your eyes are immediately drawn to? I’m pushing Left and Right and the dude is walking side to side. That would have to be me, right? No no no… I’m the guy in the bottom-right turning in a circle! Just wonderful! Rather than just simply pressing which direction you wanna go check this out, this is how it works: Left and Right turns yourself around in a 360 motion, while Up makes you go forward. No matter which direction you or the camera are facing, Up is always forward. This isn’t the only game like this. Even the first Resident Evil had the same shitty controls. But for The Crow, I would say this is before they figured out how to program video game controls for three dimensions in a good way, but Super Mario 64 was already out. (birds chirping) Alright, first enemy in the game and I can’t even fi- oh, look! Look! He’s punching through me. His fist is coming right out my back! If this is what it’s going to be like for every enemy we encounter, then we’re in for a real nightmare. As the game explicitly warns you, this is your last chance. The game, is so bad, that it’s become self-aware! Look at this ugly, murky mess! I’m sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that but don’t you think it’s a little too dark? It’s almost just a black screen, with yellow and red pools of light! Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place. After smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto-Bismol. Oh, he’s badass! Look here he comes! He’s badass! Like a slasher villain. That’s actually pretty terrifying. Look at his fuckin’ face! Looks like a melted candle of one of the members of KISS! And there probably do exist KISS candles. But wouldn’t that be great if we could hear “God of Thunder” or something awesome? But instead, listen to this rockin’ tune! (weak bass music) Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun! Yeah! You’ll enjoy hearing that for hours! Nah… you won’t. That’s the perfect soundtrack to go along with walking around in circles in the most depressing bar in existence! This is a place where people go to cut their wrists and drink gasoline! It’s hard to even walk a straight line. On top of the clumsy controls that make you feel like you’re driving a tank, the camera angles keep changing at the most inconvenient times. It’s so disorienting! Sometimes I deliberately walk around the same area just to see if I can figure out where the line is between one camera angle and the next. It’s like stepping into a separate reality. Sometimes, the camera angle doesn’t change at all. You just step outside the boundaries of existence! Where am I? It’s as if there’s actually a person behind a mixer who has to switch the camera angles. But that person was too busy smokin’ pot. Ugh, dude… Sorry man. How about this? I’m behind the fucking bar! I guess they completely forgot to even put a camera back there! And there’s times when your feet actually gets stuck. As if there’s an invisible treadmill. “Hey clownface!” Let’s talk about the fighting. It’s the worst part of the game, which is unfortunately the part you do the most of. You have a few different variations of kicks and punches you can pull off. You can even throw people, but whether or not you hit your mark is all up to chance. You mash buttons and hope for the best. Half the time, your fists and feet go right through your opponents. That is, if you can even face the right direction! This is like Karate Champ, but taken to three dimensions. The whole thing is a fucking clown show! Ugh, my god! And the fighting in the cutscene is there just to tease you. Wow! Look! They’re actually punching and kicking, even blocking! And they’re facing right at each other! This is just a reminder of how much better the game could’ve been. (clicking button) (Laughs frustratingly) Oh my god! What is he doing? He’s pulling her tits! He’s pulling her tits! “Ah!” The awful camera angles add so much to the misery. Don’t you love it when you’re fighting somebody and you end up in a corner somewhere? Could you imagine if this was somebody’s first video game? Or if it was even the first video game ever made? I think even then, it would’ve induced vomiting and irritable bowel syndrome. I wonder if Guy “Fucks” woulda liked this game? After all, it’s based on a shitty sequel, so I don’t know what I expected. Guess I expected something a little less, vaginal. Yeah, I’m running out of adjectives. The controls, needless to say, are delayed. When you have to turn around, get in position, and then pull off an attack, the response time for all that is way too much! By the time that actually happens you don’t even remember what you tried to do. It’s as if every time you try to press the button, that request gets processed in a queue of commands that’s always behind. Weapons, if you’re even able to pick them up, you can never hit anybody with them. Within those 360 degrees, you have to turn till you’re facing in the precise direction, which you’ll never have time to do. (gunfire) FUUUUCK!! As soon as the enemies have guns, the game is all over with. They always have ammunition and you never do. In the time it takes to pick up the guns, pick up the ammo, and then try to shoot at them, they already got you! And if you do manage to pull off a few shots, that’s all you get is a few shots, and then the ammo runs out! But not them! They come at you with fuckin’ machine guns and drain your life bar instantly! Geeeez! Strange that in the movie, the guns can’t kill him. But I suppose playing as an invincible, immortal character, wouldn’t have made for a challenging game. But this is WAY too challenging! And the challenge isn’t about legit gameplay, the challenge is all about trying to outsmart the broken-ass controls. The only way I’m able to glimpse ahead in the game, is by using passwords. Even then, as soon as the level starts, the enemies immediately gang up on you. I tried every stage in the game and none of them I can last more than a minute. I even turned the difficulty down and still, it’s fucking insane! This is the definition of frustrating. Like “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” frustrating! And it all leads up to a battle that looks like something out of Hellraiser. Fuck! Shit! MMMMM! UUUGH GOD FUCKIN’ DAMMIT!! This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone’s yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It’s as refreshing as a horse’s anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! AND FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING CLOWN-FACED JOKER, KISS MAKEUP WEARIN’ KING DIAMOND BEETLEJUICE ALICE COOPER MARILYN MANSON MOTHERFUCKER!! Yo nerd… I got a better game for us. Board James, go away. You don’t get a Halloween special. Fuck you you fuckin’ asshole!! Wha- I- I- I never get a Halloween special! Why does it always gotta be about you?! -When’s it gonna be my turn?! -Okay. Okay. As soon as Halloween is over, we’ll play some plastic and cardboard. Better late than never. (suspenseful music)

70 comments

  1. I always think this is like 3 other episodes you did, yet this is the one I actually want to watch repeatedly. Don't ask me why, I just like watching it ^_^

  2. How the hell does a real bullet find it's way into a movie gun supposed to full of blanks? Sounds like a set up to me smh and I don't think anyone was charged… RIP

  3. That soundtrack in the game reminds me of Depeche Mode – Never Let Me Down Again. You can hear that beat but you can hear almost the same sounding beat in Aggro remix version which was made before this game. I think they just ripped it off from that song.

  4. This isn’t based on “The Crow”, this is based on a terrible sequel called “The Crow – City of Angels”. Go look up that gem. The Crow was amazing, the sequel was a low budget POS

  5. Damn kids! You know sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from being an old man on the porch with a shotgun yelling at kids to get off my land is a shotgun and some land. Lol

  6. When I was a kid I really wanted to like this game and played it over and over again, never made it out the bar

  7. you have a gift. awsome reviews and opinions. i am surprised why you dont have your own netflix gaming network. keep up the awsome episodes and awsome reviews.

  8. Then you know if you watch the movie The Crow City of Angels Trini from the Power Ranger as a yellow ranger she was in that movie and I think that was her last one before she passed away I know she looked at good and I had a big crush on her when I was a kid

  9. There are a very disproportionate amount of Halloween AVGN episodes, because even in the years in which the AVGN isn't very active, he still always manages to release an episode around Halloween because it's a tradition or something now. Going through the episodes playlist, it's actually kinda ridiculous how frequently Halloween episodes show up.

  10. I love how the Eric Draven character looks like the Little Drummer Boy of the KISS Army.
    Or a Juggalo who got caught in the rain trying to hitch a ride to The Gathering.

  11. The game gives you a warning ⚠ as soon as it starts, it says Last Chance. Last chance for what? For you the gamer to turn this piece off shit off and walk away…

  12. Whenever I rewatch an avgn episode, I always think "how the hell is from x years ago". Like this one, how is this from 4 years ago??

  13. It wasn't the blank itself that killed Brandon, that's just a persistent myth. Rather it was the gun itself that hadn't been inspected prior to shooting and whose barrel contained a blockage. The force of the blank (which are basically bullets without the actual bullet bit) being enough to dislodge it and kill lee.

  14. Ya know, a few of his complaints lead me to believe that he wouldnt like the early resident evil games, or the silent hill games, because they both have tank controls, and fixed camera angles like this game, but then again, those added to the horror aspect of the games because it made things more nerve racking

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