Short & Sweet: Don’t Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight!

Hello! This is Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Bregman
of the Jewish Executive Learning Network. And in today�s “Short and Sweet” clip, I�d
like to specifically address a question I received from someone who�s subscribed to
this YouTube Channel, who has reached out to me from actually of Europe, from of all
places; somebody I�ve never met before. And this person reached out to me with the
following question, I�ll paraphrase it like this: This man reached out to me, he�s married
, for sounds like a couple of years. He loves his wife, but things don�t seem to be going
very well for the couple. They seem to be arguing more and more, more and more disappointment,
and he just doesn�t feel that his marriage with her is headed in a really nice trajectory,
if you know what I�m trying to say); it doesn�t seem to be going up, it doesn�t
even seem that be flat; it seems to be going in a downward direction. So he asked me, �Could
you give me a tip, we seem to be arguing a lot � and … and it spills over to the
next day.� So here�s my tip to you, my new friend from
Europe; thanks for reaching out: So here�s what I would suggest. What I want you to do
at night, is don�t go to bed angry, I want you to stay up and fight with your wife! Now,
that sounds funny�what am I saying, I want you to fight? No, G-d forbid, I don�t want
there to be machlokes, I don�t want there to be fighting in your home; what I mean by
stay up and fight is this: You know, couples, that stay together, are
able to take the pain and disappointment they have, deal with it, make peace with it, bury
it, and start fresh the next day, or start fresh in the afternoon, or if they had a bad
morning and afternoon, start fresh in the evening; but please, at the minimum, start
fresh the next day… Every couple has stuff that they have to deal
with it, and disagreements and disputes and whatever else. But, the couple that stay together,
the ones that are happy are able to basically deal with it, bury it, and move on and start
afresh. The couples that ultimately have more-and-more fighting and more-and-more disappointment
and ultimately culminate in divorce are usually those couples that are never able to resolve
and put an end and put their differences to bed, and to rest… And what happens is the next day, they wake
up and they have a fight; and it�s built on the disappointment of the day before. So,
eventually, by the time you have a fight in a month, it�s thirty-different-fights that
are basically one piled up on top of the other; it�s not that you�re dealing with the
hurt and disappointment of today, you�re dealing with all of them. So what I want you
to do my friend is to stay up at night, don�t go to bed angry, fight with your wife instead,
and I don�t really again want you to fight, I want you to basically put it to rest, come
to some kind of truce, some kind of understanding, forgive, forget, do whatever you have to do�and
start the next day fresh. And part of that is, and I want to say this:
If your wife upsets you the next day, or it could be a husband that insults you or hurts
you, or hurts your feelings the next day, I wanna beg you to resist the urge to please,
do not bring up what happened and say �Uh�, what happened yesterday and the day before,
so on and so forth. Because even if you really try to bury it, you�re gonna basically pile
it on the ground and stand on top of that as you begin the new argument. So please resist
the urge to do so; try to go to bed fresh, and make sure, that whatever you have to do
with as a couple, deal with it, put it behind you, try not to bring it up anymore, although
it�s temping, and some of you know who you are. Don�t bring it up anymore, start afresh. Couples that are able to do that are those
that stay married; couples that nebuch end up in divorce are those that have days and
months of years of arguments, that have never been put to rest, never been put to bed, piling
on top of each other, until the hurt becomes insurmountable�so there all of a sudden,
you�ve been married now ten years, and the pain you�re feeling from that fight, and
you�re having twelve thousand days into the marriage or whatever it is, it�s because
it�s the cumulative hurt from all those arguments, all those fights, all those disagreements
that never had any resolution. Anyway, this is Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Bregman
of the Jewish Executive Learning Network. I hope my new European friend who reached
out to me, will have some benefit from this clip and everyone else hopefully as well.
See you the next time; thank you!


  1. Let's get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

    Let me get my chancleta! Where is my chancleta?!
    ¡Pelearemos esta noche! :p lol

    Have you seen us Latinas argue?? Funny and/or scary stuff. lol

    Yet, with all that- I agree with you Rabbi. Do not let the night set on your anger. I made that mistake in my past, and it did not bode well for the relationship.

    So, if you must fight- then do so. But, avoid low blows my friends. Be fair. Then hopefully you kiss and make up with your spouse.

  2. Perhaps you can discuss some arguing techniques that are more productive in a future video. And get some input from your better half Rabbi. I am sure she has a lot wisdom in this area. All of us women have opinions on everything. lol

  3. My favourite piece of advice is to take a moment during a disagreement to speak out the other person's point of view. When you do that, the tones change to become softer and your spouse feels that you understand them and feel like they have been heard (which is what most of the argument is about anyways). Often times we never really understood the other side and the premises that our spouse's argument was build on. Things usually fall into place once the tones are normalized and both sides feel understood.
    Happy arguing!

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