Reversing a Gender Transition


When I was a woman, men had a problem
with me. When I was a trans guy, trans and queer people had a problem with me. Now that I’m detransitioned, Christians men, and a lot of radical feminists all have a problem with me. Growing up in Cleveland was interesting
because it was such an underdog city. I think it maybe gives you a little bit of
a complex. So this is the house I was born in on West 54th Street. I was born at home so this is actually where Ianded. My first memory of gender was
that my parents got me a mini tool set. I think that was the first time I felt
like oh I’m a tomboy and the tomboys are cool. Right before I went to high
school I got my breasts pretty much. So my high school’s uniform was a polo
shirt and a kilt. Going to and getting home from high school was just a lot of dealing with men. Men’s reactions to me and men wanting to talk to me and men trying to get my phone number and stuff. Once I said to a friend of mine that I
hated wearing the uniform that it made me feel like, disrespected and my friend was like, ‘oh that’s weird that makes me feel like studious’. It felt so unfair to me that I had to
wear this ridiculous outfit. After I went tohigh school I went to Ohio State. My sophomore year I was sexually assaulted. It absolutely contributed to just this
feeling that I wanted to take my body off. After college I moved to Chicago. It was partly about doing stand-up and it was partly about being away from my hometown So I could date women. Hey everybody, how is everyone doing tonight? I’m doing awesome. I moved to Chicago from Cleveland in September. It’s a big thrill for me. Clap it up for the move. And when I moved to Chicago trans guys were kind of all around. The first trans person I met, my first emotion when meeting him was like intense jealousy. I was just so jealous that he got to get a mastectomy. I found a therapist who like advertised
that she specifically wrote letters to get hormones and I got my hormone letter
like by the third or fourth session. When I got the letter I was just like so
relieved, so excited, thrilled. It felt like everything was beginning. I started testosterone October of 2012 I would inject every other Wednesday. People tend to inject in either the thigh or like the butt you just want like a big muscle to get it in. Very quickly after I started testosterone I was like this is obviously what I needed. Testosterone made me like exclusively
attracted to biological men, and I was like, if I’m going to be a gay trans dude, I have to be in a place where that’s a thing. I moved to San Francisco in March of
2013. Things in California were going badly like pretty immediately. The fact is that like lots of people will not hire you being a trans person. and it is like true that when trans guys pass they get to see an even darker side of men I was hearing a lot of rape jokes, the worst thing that happened to me is intensely funny to some guys. It’s a weird and dark thing to learn about the world. I had kind of like gotten to a point where I was very very like desperate and low. For a couple months been like thinking about suicide every day and stuff. And I was like like, I think that I just got this wrong, like this is not a trans thing this is a trauma thing. I felt like it was time to to throw in the towel. I moved back to Cleveland when I decided
to detransition. I use the word regret, I regret it. I
regret it. It was a waste of my money. It was a waste of my time. it was more time that I didn’t do what I needed, which was like address my dissociative symptoms. So I regret it. Maybe that sounds like me whining since
my irreversible effects are like pretty minimal. But if I had to do it over again I would not. I started writing to process the experience and make it make sense. A pretty prominent trans writer wrote an
essay about how rare detransition is, and I was incredibly pissed off. I made a YouTube video pretty much coming out. My response and other detransitioned women’s responses it kind of the community got a lot more public. I know one of the presenters Carey Callahan, she is a very talented compassionate and insightful person. These women are very important. It’s important to remember though that detransition isn’t just a controversial subject people argue about online. Detransition is something some people live through, people who often suffer and face difficulties accessing resources because
our very existence gets politicized. You know. I just know like how much work Crash puts in to all the content she
puts out there and there are repercussions in your real life to posting this stuff online I get attacked on a pretty regular basis. Two camps that give me a lot of trouble it’s kind of like fundamentalist
Christians Who think that my story proves that no one’s gender dysphoria can be alleviated through medical transition and people thus should not
have the ability to medically transition. I also get people in the trans community
who believe that me being public with my story is like unethical because it gives
the fundamentalist Christians the material to say that. On my Twitter feed someone linked to a book review and it was a review of this book by Ryan
Anderson who it works for the Heritage Foundation. That initial YouTube video I
made, he pulled quotes from it to argue that
people should not medically transition. So what I do in the book is I tell
stories of several people who found that transitioning, while it went well
as a cosmetic matter it might have brought immediate sense of relief it
didn’t actually bring the peace and the wholeness that they were looking for but
it only brought new problems. Here we go, Crisis Magazine.
This is the first way that I found out that I was in the Heritage Foundation
book. I felt like violated on such a deep level. The complexity of our viewpoint is pretty inconvenient to people on all sides of the political spectrum. Yeah, why am i actively participating in
this? Maybe there is a sense that like, if you tell the story and it gets misused and you tell the story and misused again … then you just like keep telling it until
people hear the story. I think the end goal is that other
gender dysphoric female people know that we’re out here and we’re doing okay. so, yeah.

100 comments

  1. I am very, VERY glad you are okay. I am sorry some duche made you hate being female just like some whacko plays with little boys. I am glad that you are letting everyone know minds change. Screw both sides-you're you. Period.

  2. So sorry for all your pain! I am a Christian. But no human knows the deepest recesses of the heart and mind of another. I know what the Bible says however, the ultimate “sin” is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. Confusion from childhood experiences and perception are real. Consequences of rape and violations are real. Society as a whole are so divided and cause anguish pain loneliness and despair. Love heals all wounds. My hope that this woman can be comfortable in her own skin. Who knows what has been tampered with in all the toxins and hormones in food alone. Also introducing transgenderism and sex education in early grades I think can sway kids whose minds get preprogrammed in many things that further confuse a child.. we live in a beautiful yet fallen world that holds consequences

  3. Carey, looking back, had the therapist you went to said 'Let's wait a bit and explore your feelings about xyz.' Would you have continued in therapy?

  4. Ever notice that comments from physicians are non existant on videos like this? That's because they don't really care about patients. Tran$itioning is just another medical procedure they can sell. Being able to purchase a new luxury car every year is more important than their patients well being.

  5. There are so many horrible realities in life that just happen to us. Why in this lifetime are we to sympathize with individual choice of something as pathetic as people changing gender. Yeah, today’s men are increasingly useless and/or perpetrators. Get passed it, the worst thing to happen to a person is REACTING to how people treat them to the point of loosing themselves.

  6. People need extensive counseling before transitioning. What is the root of their dysphoria? Don't do it beyond the point of no physical return. Try it first long term. Make sure it's really "a trans thing, not a trauma thing." Regardless of how one identifies at any given time, remember ALL PEOPLE DESERVE RESPECT, ACCEPTANCE FOR WHERE THEY'RE AT. Life is a journey. Anyone alive is has yet to reach their place of peace.
    My cousin's daughter transitioned to a trans man. He's been seven years with his partner and is happy. They're both in the arts, painter, children's book illustrator. A friend job mine's son tried living as a trans woman. He was attending a college in Missouri where trans anything was not accepted. People would sneer and snicker, put up rude, leave hateful notes all over her door. He kept on, but became a recluse. One of the Mental health counselors befriended her and she gradually thinking it was a mistake to go all the way. Between her friends from work and church, she had some the surgery undone, may need more in the future, but for now, dresses like a woman, her cisgender.

  7. This is why children shouldn't be transgender they're too young. Should wait until they're in high school if they really want it

  8. there are so many “tu-camps” in this comment section trying to dismiss the importance of gender transition for transgender individuals. she literally talks abt this in the video— she dislikes having her words twisted. she is not a transgender person. she is a biologically female woman who was misdiagnosed with gender dysphoria bc of her past trauma. she is only giving her testimony of that. transitioning to a man gave her dysphoria instead of alleviating it bc she was never a trans man. medical + social transition can completely transform a transgender individuals life— in a way a cis person can never feel.

  9. The therapist that signed her papers to get the transition needs to have her license yanked. Anyone considering such a huge step needs some in depth therapy first to make sure that's where they really are.

    I know two young people who rushed into transitioning with both teachers and doctors cheering them on, and they ended up committing suicide because that was not the right thing for them.
    I have 2 grandchildren that are transitioning, and the first one that started the process has taken, literally, years to make sure that each step of the way was the right thing, and it is going well due to the time taken and counselling received before and during.
    I feel so badly for you Carey. You have had woefully scant proper help along the way, and it's no little thing, Best of luck for your future.

  10. I'm a Christian and I see absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. Only thing that bothers me is that your heart seems sad. I wish I could make you see your own beauty and value like I do.

  11. JESUS CHRIST HEALS ALL WOUNDS. Psychotherapy is only logical, which does NOT get to the Spiritual, even with Christian therapists. Society needs GOD, NO OTHER WAY AROUND IT. We are not here for our glory, we are here for HIS glory, and FROM HIM comes true LOVE, because GOD IS LOVE.

  12. Can we start focusing on people who are actually trans? And not on the people who are confused about themselves. You are putting transgender people into a bad spotlight!

  13. And you got people (like me) who questioning they life and Society is tried to Force they to make the choice in the life

  14. She sums it up perfectly at 4:19 : " Like, this is not a trans thing, this is a trauma thing."
    Add to that her experiences with growing up and wearing the school uniform. She made different meaning of it than her friend who said it made her feel studious.

  15. I am a 74 y o Bible thumping Christian. I have NO problem with your life choices. You are you; on your own path. I applaud your courage in both decisions. If you were my neighbor I would love to have you over for tea and to listen to music. For some reason I suspect that you, because of your difficult path would try very hard to not judge me.

  16. I don't see how her story gives credence to the fundamentalist Christian anti-trans bigots at all. She DID have a certain gender flexibility, and while she now sees it as a mistake it helped her to find what really did work for her. Expecting someone to transition into a permanent (binary) role sounds pretty binary, not nonbinary and open-minded. So what if someone changes back to their original gender? So what if someone changes his/her gender every day? I don't care, as long as their solution doesn't become another trap for them.

  17. In so many situations people with gender dysphoria are actually victims of sexual assault. It has nothing to do with wanting to be another gender and everything to do with wanting to distance themselves from trauma. It's so sad.

  18. Just from the start I am praying for you sweetheart – you went back to your correct sex. Genesis says “He made them male and female, female and male He made them”. I’m SO proud if you. I praise GOD for you. Please get saved (if you’re not already) and we can be in Heaven together! If you want more info PLEASE email me or message me!!!!

  19. Why isn't that just because people get these feelings of not being the " right gender or body " the immediate and rational solution should be to transition your biological gender?

    There's this culture/norm/attitude that if you feel like the opposite sex, the immediate solution is to transition yourself!

  20. I have been assaulted and raped as a woman and always thought it would be easier and better to be a man. But I am not a man, I am a woman in therapy to overcome my issues.

  21. Sometimes I feel like people feel like they may be trans because the things they want to do don't fit their gender stereotype, but don't think of it as wanting to dress like "a man" or doing "manly things" and vice versa, you're just being you with your natural state. That doesn't "make" you one thing or another. Labels ruin us. Just because your not a masculine man doesn't mean you must be a woman, it just means your not masculine. You can like men, and do makeup, or like styling hair and crocheting or whatever is stereotyped to be for women and still be satisfied with the body you were born with. Isn't that what this is about? Being comfortable with yourself? Going through all these changes doesn't seem like someone who is comfortable or satisfied at all. Idk, I just think transitions are unnecessary. But everyone is free to have an opinion.

    Edit: of course however for a world like this to work where everyone loves their natural self, we all have to contribute. I wouldn't want to be a woman either if I felt the constant fear of sexual assault. it just really sucks that we fail as a society to teach our children respect.

  22. Meanwhile, in Iran gay people get the choice of transitioning to become "straight" or being hung on a crane in the public square.

  23. No one should have pulled your quotes without you permission. Sorry that happened to you. You are beautiful, brave, and deserve respect.

  24. I was sexually abused as a child and started dressing like a boy so everyone around started to convince me that I was a boy because I dressed as a boy, I knew I was a girl but I started to thinking maybe, I am a boy everyone is saying I am.
    I started going to therapy once I left school and started to heal, I started loving dresses but still don't wear heals or make up, I know i am a woman but I was scared to show my body incase a man took advantage of it.
    So yes, it can be a trauma thing.
    If this happened to me in this day and age my parents and doctors probably would of convinced me to transition, I would have never healed.

  25. I had this problem when I was younger I wanted to be a man because my family was sexist and wanted a boy so I wanted to be a boy so they’d love me then in my teenage years I wanted to be a man because I played football and ppl told me it was a boys sport I continued into my twenties thinking that I wanted to transition after therapy I realised I didn’t want to be a man I was just affected by other people’s words

  26. Sad the lengths they went to feel accepted… The sooner you realize that you’re an asshole and that people and people aren’t Largely basing their perception of your based on your appearance the better. Get over yourself… find your people instead of trying to make people accept you…annnnd stuff

  27. Am I the only person who noticed that she was a thoroughly rotten stand-up comedian? This video makes me feel bad for people from Cleveland. They don't deserve this.

  28. Thank you for your story….I pray everyone gets more help & info before making & taking such drastic physical changes in their lives

  29. its crazy how almost all detransitioners have some type of sexual trauma and their therapists just overlook it completely. boggles me fuckin mind

  30. Chris Crocker is a great example of how transitioning too early is a big mistake. Life experience sometimes causes a person to adapt and accept the gender they were born with.

  31. Nobody can outsmart God! God knows best! We cannot change the beautiful creation of God, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are all beautiful the way we are. We can't be more beautiful than we are now. Embrace to love who you are and how you are. You are beautiful the way you are. And God loves the way you are naturally!

  32. This is intentional fucking up of our children, its part of the AGENDA 21 to eliminate babies and seniors thru depopulation 🧚🏽‍♂️

  33. Interesting. I’m not religious, I’m too practical to be a third wave feminist and I don’t believe in gender dysphoria. I’m a nurse. I don’t “believe” in biology; I understand it. I’ve worked in psychiatric nursing. I believe trauma and improper coping skills, and ultimately, a society where people feel they no longer have a place to belong unless they are uniquely set apart and divided into groups all have set to justify the trans movement. You can say it has always existed. No, not like this. Not at all.
    I knew a “trans man” personally. Her Chinese parents told her they didn’t want a female child and could only have one child. She carried that with her until she decided to try to change what she couldn’t change.
    I think your story and many others prove that your issues had little to do with your sex and everything to do with improper coping with negative experience. Many of us have been assaulted. I rode dirt bikes as a kid. This means NOTHING. Human experience allows us to try on different roles as part of adolescence and young adulthood. These are literally biological life stages. Human experience comes with negative and often traumatic consequences for those who are FREELY experiencing life. Life has never been and is not supposed to be EASY.
    Docs who allow transitioning children or young adults particularly should have their licenses revoked.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I know this wasn’t easy and I know my words may cut and I may be attacked for them but I’ve been around a bit longer than you and logic always prevails and it will in this issue.

  34. Just by the intro you can tell she was looking for acceptance and that’s the problem you just gotta be you and not give a damn in the first place

  35. I’m a Christian, conservative, and second-wave (believing) feminist, abuse survivor, mother, wife, and business owner. I don’t hate you. I accept you. And all of these facets of our personalities are not defining. They are merely parts of a whole.

  36. Ryan T Anderson looks and sounds like a closeted gay. Those are the ones that generally obsess over the matters in other people's lives. Just live and let live, arsehole.

  37. If there is anyone out there who would like to testify for the new Ohio bill, we need help preventing Children's Hospital's from transitioning their patients. We have many children of ours that have experienced traumas but as soon as they say they are trans – likely a defense mechanism – they are being transitioned immediately. The end game would be to talk to providers and get some legislation in – this will force them to do better. [email protected] is how to reach me.

  38. people have to learn to love and accept themselves, not on the outside but deep down inside. heal those wounds, then you ll be able to truly be yourself without a cover! courage and peace!

  39. Sorry but she put her story on YouTube and felt violated when it was written about in a book and articles? She's the one who made it public.

  40. This is such an incredibly intimate and real video. I feel so much for this person, yet they gotta speak their truth. Detransitioning is a real thing, and you gotta speak your truth, regardless if some assholes wants to twist it to fit your needs.

  41. Most sexually desoriented people have had traumas mental disoders ancestors problems These things can be cured through spiritual guidance by Godly people and angelsi When I was to 40 days workshop for ancestors and family liberation, felt much better Otherwise I could kill my mother Finally I changed to a positive and caring person

  42. Her parents didn't properly prepare her for life…. No matter what people say. It's normally always the parents fault

  43. No government pushing transitioning on us see this video. The world has evil and problems, and you will not be able to charge love from others. You have to know how to love others first. That's what I am learning.

  44. I know I'm trans. I'm not trying to get away from something. I'm happy transitioning. I support this person but I want people to realise, this isn't always true for most trans people and if someone knows its not right for them they get picked out by most therapists. I'm on a 6 month waiting list and my trans friends who've gone have to do over 30+ appointments

  45. as a trans person, i’m am beyond shocked that they have her hormones after THREE SESSIONS?!? you’re supposed to have like at LEAST a year of therapy and it has to be conformed and the therapists talks to the surgeon etc like wtf i’m all for wverones rights but everyone needs to take some time to think about everything like

  46. She's upset because she tells a story and she didn't want it retold by the person who used it. The story is either true or it isn't. Did the writer misrepresent what she said? If the story is truth, and she puts it out there, then she cannot hold the retelling of it against anyone, simply because she has a different agenda. She transitioned, it was a mistake, she "detransitioned" she was fortunate – she had few side effects. Some people really mess themselves up. They do this to children now with VERY serious side effects that can never be changed. And I would like her to know true Christians never think less of a person for whom they are. We are all precious and sacred creations.

  47. People are way too weak nowadays. Go live your life ,sunshine, you'll never be able to control what other people think of you,

  48. She had a hard time getting hired in San Francisco because she was trans? I thought that was one of the most liberal cities in the country?

  49. I don't understand how Ryan Anderson 'misused' her story. He presents it as she describes. It didn't bring her the happiness that she thought it would bring her.

  50. The real culprit behind all of this is misogyny.

    Not only did it trauma her to want to no longer be a woman/victim. But once a man and getting to hear the inner conversations of men she realised she didn't want to be a man/monster either. She just doesn't want to identify as either victim or monster. Which is why she doesn't want a gender at all.

  51. This sounds so much like my story – except – I never transitioned. Born a woman (tomboy), still a woman – but the trauma, the assaults by men, are too common. My answer was to get into the martial arts, which stabilised my fears and gave me a sense of power in a situation. I also "dressed down" all my life to hide the fact that there was a pretty girl underneath all that. But yeah. I'm thankful that nobody tried to transition me for "not liking my body" or my "femaleness" or being afraid of male assault.

    SO MUCH rings true: "I met a trans guy, was so jealous because he got a mastectomy" (top surgery) I was also jealous because of the T juice – energizing, life enhancing stuff (but I didn't want the hair, nor to deepen my already deep voice). To see someone on T therapy – it's like more powerful than any antidepressant!

    But yeah, I've seen the "dark side" of maleness. And I am thankful that I never got it in my head to transition! I don't think I could go so far as to say nobody should use medicine to transition – but I have been otherwise iatrogenically damaged – and I believe that everything should be exhausted first before performing procedures which may be irreversible. I've had surgeries that I regret – the long term effect of these things is not widely explicit in the medical community. The surgeries were success (but the long term effect of living without organs is more challenging, and they don't talk about that). I also have concerns about long term use of hormones…so – I'm not saying nobody should do it. But I believe that the ones that do should be really really certain that this is the only answer for them. And I am shocked at how easy it is to convince doctors, therapists, clinics, etc., that this should be done. $$,$$$

  52. A kilt?!? By Scottish rules, it's only a kilt if you don't ear underwear. If you wear underwear, it's a dress.

  53. Okay, so she was sexually assaulted and has an underlying psychological problem. She should get counseling for that, THEN make the other decision. As a stand up comedienne, shes fairly funny and I"m the guy who generally hates female comics. I just can't understand their humor. There are a few that I like, though.

  54. I’m a Christian and have no problem with her. I’m happy she figured it out. Nothing wrong with being a tomboy.

  55. Thank you. I’ve recently detransitioned after four months of taking male hormones. I realized I had internalized homophobia and trauma that I never faced head on. I thought that transitioning would make me a new person. And obviously it didn’t work. So, I’ve come to terms with being a lesbian woman. And I’m learning to be okay with that.

  56. There's a God in heaven who loves you and I hope you know Jesus died for you too and for me. Jesus loved you the whole time (John 3:16). God is bigger than our sin and offers forgiveness to everyone who accepts Jesus. You are so so loved and every hair on your head is numbered.

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