QAC 47 – Re: “Transitioning” in Japan / Body Mods & Dysphoria || Tea & Word Vomit

(sound of electric kettle boiling) (♪ beeping ♪) (sound of package being opened) (sound of water being poured) (sound of dripping) hi everyone, it’s Vesper.
coming at you with a different type of video this time, as you can already notice, i’m sure. i’m gonna try and do… a pretty much straight-shot stream of conscious video,
nothing planned… and it’s been years since i’ve done this,
so it’s going to be sloppy as fuck but i’ve got some of my favorite green tea… ( noisy sounds of enjoyment ) and a mug– i made this myself, just
finished it today, and… some mochi.
this is “sakura mochi” and this is “kashiwa mochi.” two Japanese sweets that I really love. so… i’m just gonna vomit words at you
and you can watch if you like. (nervous laughing) so… umm… yeah, this week… Queer As Cat, this channel, hit 4,000 subscribers.
AMAZING. i don’t even… i REALLY do not
know what to say, you guys. when i first made this channel i…
never thought that i’d even get 100 subs, and…
subscribers have– have never been something that i was
actively after… never once in three years
that i’ve been doing this channel have i asked anyone to subscribe and yet
somehow… i now have 4,000 subscribers and i don’t even know how it
happened or why it happened, but i just know that i have a really awesome
subscriber base. thank you guys for
putting up with my shit. i really, really appreciate it.
and, umm… you probably, or may have, noticed
something different with this video… i actually enabled ads on my channel
this past week, and… this is when something i’ve…
agonized over for a long time, actually. umm… because I really didn’t want to
put ads on this channel because this channel
has NEVER been about… umm…. never been about making money. it’s always just been about putting my
face out there so people like me can see someone like themselves.
for visibility and representation and this is just a diary.
a video diary for myself personally. so making money off of that
always seemed kind of… wrong to me. and now that i’ve enabled ads,
i kind of feel like more weight on my shoulders because… i feel like i should be held–
or i should hold myself to a higher standard…? if i’m going to be getting
something financially from this… but if i’m being honest with myself nothing’s gonna change because this
really– this channel really is just a vlog but yeah, i’ve finally… i finally did enable ads, and… i’m sorry… you guys are gonna
have to put up with shit, BUT. (more annoying sounds of enjoyment) BUT the reason why i finally
decided to enable ads was because… (deep sigh) lately i’ve been having a lot of
dysphoria and stress and… depression about financial stuff
and transitioning– “”transitioning”” if you’ve watched my older videos– and sorry for the traffic– if you’ve watched my older videos
you know that i hate that word or i just don’t like it
myself personally. but… yeah. uhh, i’ve been really dysphoric lately,
and… i get really depressed and stressed
when i think of how the hell I’m going to finance any of the things that i really
really need and want to do in the future, including my name change, surgeries–
anything like that. and so…
what i finally decided to do was to enable ads on this
channel and put every single penny that comes from
this channel into a savings to go towards
my name change and surgeries. so… yeah. that was…
what made the final decision for me. and i’m sorry that it means you guys are gonna have to deal with
annoying fucking ads, really am but… please hang in there with me…
it means a lot. and now for a snack break– i’m sorry you guys have to
watch me eat this really really yummy sticky thing. (muffled) it’s really good.
(laughs) all while listening to… fucking cars outside my window.
(laughs) but anyway… yeah. annoying fucking ads on this
channel now. i’m sorry. umm… (muffled) i should probably not eat while
i’m making a video, shouldn’t i? umm, anyways, umm… speaking of financial stuff and
“”transitioning””– still don’t like that word–
umm.. i’m thinking more and more
of what i’m going to do now… for the future,
because i’m now less than 2 years… left on my current work contract,
and… hmm… all i really know is that
when i’m done with this job, i want to be able to go to my next job… and not… …have to deal with people knowing my
old name at all. i want the name change to done. and i would like to go into my next job… more mentally and physically
comfortable than i am… at present at this job,
so… that may or may not mean
going on hormones. i’ve been… i’ve been going back and worth
on the hormone thing, because sometimes i really wish i already was on
hormones and then other times i feel like i can– i can survive without it because i
don’t want to take the risk of getting… like, facial hair growth. i really, i really…
i’ve talked about this before, but i think that facial hair will make me dysphoric
because i really don’t want facial hair. and also, like…
in Japan i don’t know… how difficult it will be… to be going through physical changes
at a job, on the job, like… i don’t know, it’s just
really stressful like, if it was in America, i could
communicate things more and expect my–
that my employer isn’t going to fire me for medical stuff, but that’s not
so much the case in Japan, so… i’m thinking,
do i want to start pursuing… testosterone towards the end of
my current contract? so that… i’m already, like, progressing
towards some changes by the time i’m almost done anyways,
so it won’t matter at this job. and then when I do start my next job, the changes–
some changes will be there going into it, so it won’t be such an issue… and… if I’m gonna do that,
there’s a big issue with timing because to get hormones in Japan, you have to jump through
a million fucking hoops, it’s like… from what i’ve heard, i need to
research it more, but umm… generally it can take a year…
even more from the first time you see a therapist
or a doctor or whatever, to get that to to get the– to work towards
the actual diag… diagnosis, because you need to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder
in this country, technically, to get hormones. so, that can take a year, from seeing someone to actually getting
your first prescription, and… so i need to figure out how long– when i need to start
in order to time the changes hopefully to coincide with
the end of my contract. and i think i would want to do
low-dose, but i don’t think that’s such… i don’t think that’s doable in Japan,
because Japan is not flexible and you cannot even administer
hormones yourself, you have to go to the clinic
and the doctor has to inject it. so like, i don’t even know
if they’ll let me lower dosages, and… if i did this in America, it’d be
so much fucking easier– i don’t even know if i’m going to be
in Japan after this my current job is finished–
i don’t know if i’m going to stay in Japan or go somewhere else,
i don’t know, but it’s easier just operate on–
under the assumption that i will still be here. so… maybe i will pursue hormones… within the next two years. year and a half. maybe within, like, less than a year.
just depends on timing. and name change– i would have to go back to America…
to change my name. i would have to be there
at least month or… i would have to hire a lawyer fork out a lot of cash,
to have them start the process for me, but then I was still
eventually have to show my face in Nevada for a court hearing. and so all of that’ going to
take a shit load of money. you know, the flights to and from America, the lawyer, if i go that route, or staying in America for a month
with no job, you know… ugghhh, i don’t know. and then the whole actual process
of paying for the name change itself. uuughh, i hate money, finances…
it’s, ugghh… this, this is…
this is why i’m so stressed out… and i’m hoping that… the ads, again, will help
me with this… (muffled) i really do… umm… and another thing that ties into
the dysphoria and the stress and stuff umm, i’ve been saying for… a year now? that i’m going to
make a video on body mods and i AM going to.
wait for it. i swear. i just, i want everything
to be perfect and i’m waiting for like, my… my conches
to be perfect before i make that video. but… i’m gonna touch upon a
topic that i’ve been trying to hold off to save for that video. and that is, i feel like
the more dysphoric i am… the more urgent
or the stronger the craving… (laughs)
“craving”??? is for a new body. and i know that probably sounds really
crazy and strange to people especially if you’re not into
body mods and stuff like that but… okay.
this is my logic behind this. so. i really want– i’m really unhappy with
certain things about my body and right now, there’s financially nothing
i can do to remedy that dissatisfaction and that discontent–
EXCEPT! body mods! because getting piercings
and tattoos and stuff makes me happy.
it changes my body and and it makes me happy. as awkward as that fucking sounds,
omg, umm… not like that!
(laughs) but, like… for example, i always hated my nose like, growing up, i’m really hated
my nose because it’s really big and prominent and shit. but as soon as i got my septum,
i love my nose. my nose is awesome. i can look at myself in the mirror
and, like, look at my nose happy. and it’s stuff like that that i think, when i’m dysphoric,
makes me even more inclined to want to get your body mods, because…
the more tattoos and stuff that i get the happier… the happier i am
looking at myself in the mirror. and sad as that sounds,
it’s true. i’m–
i’m not gonna lie about it. so, anyways. because i’ve been so dysphoric
and stressed out about… you know, body stuff
that i can’t pay for right now i’ve been craving or more and more
to get more tattoos. and i’ve been so close
to contacting my favorite tattoo artist but, again, if i get tattoos
that puts a dent in my money to get the things that will actually
help me feel better in my body. so… uhh…
UGGH! it’s like…
(sigh) a lose-lose, win-win– i don’t know.
lose-lose situation– i’m tired… umm… so like…
it’s to the point where i can look in the mirror and see myself
with the tattoos and stuff that i already… like, that i want.
i can look in the mirror and it’s like there. i can see myself with it. and i really wanna go and actually
get it done because then i realize when it– reality sets back in
and i see that, like, you know it’s just my same old fucking body. i don’t have the tattoos,
then it’s just like (exasperated sigh) so… yeah… so not only is it a battle
just to save money period… wanting tattoos is NOT
helping me save money. like. getting a tattoo would be…
it’s almost like instant– an almost instant gratification. because it makes me so happy
in the moment, and even afterwards but especially in the moment. but if I do that,
then it fucks up the real “fix”…
which is a surgery or… or whatever. and i need to keep focused on
the bigger picture instead of the instant gratification, and. ..
it’s hard because i really i really want, i REALLY want. (mumbled)
my legs covered in… tattoos. (laughs) (sarcasm)
thank you traffic! (exasperated noises)
anyway. yeah, body mods… money… (exasperated sigh)
i can’t really enjoy my sweets in front of you guys…
this sucks. but i think that’s all
i’m going to talk about in this video. i don’t want to be too long.
i might snip out some stuff to try and shorten it. but yeah,
my first video in a long time vomit, word vomit at you. umm…
thank you for watching, if you have. and again, thank you for subscribing. i appreciate it so much, you guys. and i hope you guys are having
a wonderful day, wonderful week, wonderful everything. please feel free to leave comments.
umm… how about you? tea? tea. which do you prefer,
tea or coffee? i am personally a tea person. i have like six different types of tea
in this apartment right now… in *general*. and sometimes
i drink coffee because (mumbled)
i’m always tired… but tea, coffee:
which do you prefer? why? and thank you for watching.
see ya.

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