Paranoia & Delusions | Schizophrenia / Schizoaffective Disorder

Hi everyone! I thought I’d share
with you something very serious. It’s about some of my paranoid
thoughts and delusions. It is something that is very difficult
for me to discuss because I do not like to show this side of
me since I feel vulnerable. I’ve never told anyone this
information. But, I’m doing this to be open and honest and for
people who have the same kind of thinking to not feel so alone,
like I have thought my whole life. I was not always aware of
my delusions, and many people with them aren’t. Being able
to understand schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder,
and delusions in general, has allowed me to realize what
is off about my thinking, the things that most people do not
believe. But, just because I am aware and can identify it,
doesn’t mean that I dismiss it. To me, all of what I am about
to say is very real and very serious. Some people may say
that I shouldn’t overthink things and shouldn’t believe
such things. But, I find that offensive because there is no
arguing since my beliefs are very real to me. I can’t just
change them just because someone thinks it’s unreasonable.
Additionally, I will sound very self-centered in this video
due to my beliefs. I know many people will find this crazy,
because it sometimes sounds crazy to me. But, I don’t want
anyone to feel bad for me for the things I’m about to say. I
do not like that. And, I want to apologize to everyone for the
negativity in this video. I do not like negativity so it makes
it even harder. This could even be offensive or disturbing to
some people. I also wanted to say that this video might
not be safe for anyone who is incredibly paranoid like myself.
I don’t want to give anyone any ideas, trigger any bad feelings,
or make anyone even more paranoid. This has happened
to me when reading about and watching others who
are very delusional. So, please watch
at your own risk. I don’t think many people
take me seriously a lot of times because of how inappropriate
my emotions are. I am always smiling, even when talking about
very serious things. And, this happens automatically to mask
how something really affects me. No one has ever seen me upset
and cry because I suppress it until I’m alone. Plus, many
times the emotions aren’t even there. It is very upsetting when
people think you are lying and faking and don’t take me
seriously because of not being able to express how I am truly
feeling. I feel very vulnerable, so I do not show how I really am
at the deepest level. The smile is just nothing more than a way
to hide myself. Saying that is an incredibly difficult thing
for me to do. Another thing is, the one who many times is in
front of the camera, is not the one who writes about the
problems. And thus, the emotions are not there. Because the
issues are hidden very deep to avoid that vulnerability. But,
despite how difficult it is for me, I wanted to make a video
myself, from the source if you will, the one with the problems.
So, I think there is a very big conspiracy that surrounds me
where everyone is out to get me and to do me harm. I believe
everyone I associate with communicates with one another
about me and they all share the same knowledge of me. They
put cameras all in my house, tracking devices in my body,
watching me from satellites in space, or with snipers ready to
fire. All of my communications are monitored. There is no such
thing as privacy. These people, including my family since I
cannot trust anyone, drug my food up, at home, when I’m out.
Anywhere and everywhere. Why? Because they want me to suffer.
Everyone knows about me and the abilities I possess. And,
they want to take them for themselves, even by force if
necessary. These people drug my food when I’m out and I can feel
the effects of it when they do it. I start to feel loopy then
it escalates into not being able to get my words out. They
can either drug me with mind altering medication they think
I need to be on to ‘cure’ me, since I do not take any.
Or, with some kind of poison. Perhaps even having tracking
devices in the food so it stays implanted in my body. My
therapist and my friends I had they all record my voice when
I’m talking with them and replay it with all their friends, just
to get a good laugh, yeah. I don’t like to leave the house
because I feel vulnerable and at risk. So, I generally stay
at home most of the time. The longest time in a row was six
weeks without leaving the house. There have been times when
I’m alone in the house, or so I think I am, taking a shower and
hear someone break in. They went upstairs and I could hear them
above me since the shower is on the first floor. I was just
terrified out of my mind. I slowly got out of the shower
and was careful about making any noise. I didn’t want to be
scared, so I became angry. I wanted to stand up to this
person who broke into my house. I slowly left the bathroom and
grabbed two large knives from the kitchen and quickly checked
the basement and the first floor. And afterwards, I slowly
made my way upstairs, just terrified and angry. And, I
searched all the rooms and closets, and there was no one.
There was another incident where I was driving home and was one
block away from the street I turn on and there were these
guys that looked over at me. They saw where I turned and I
thought they would see the car that I drove, and they would
figure out the house that I live in and would break into my
house. And, within a half hour of getting home by myself, I was
in my room with the door closed and I heard someone come up the
steps and walk by the door. And, I thought it was those guys that
broke in. But, there was no one. Whenever I see people talking,
it’s always about me, and how weird I am, just laughing at me.
When my family or anyone else is on the phone, they are talking
about me. They all can read my thoughts and know exactly
what I’m thinking at all times. Whenever I am in a silent room
with other people, I feel like I am just screaming my thoughts
out loud and everyone can hear. So, I’m not even safe in
my head. It use to be very difficult for me to leave the
house when someone else was going to be home. Or even when I
was downstairs and someone was upstairs where my room is. I
just thought they would go through all my stuff, destroy
my belongings. Whenever I would leave the house, I would close
my door, lock it, and put a small piece of paper in the
crack of the door so when I got home I could check to see if
anyone broke in. But of course, they knew that I did this and
they broke in anyway, and they put it back exactly how I
left it. I never give my contact information like email address
to anyone, not even my family. This is because I don’t want the
communication with people and they would sign my email address
to some spam database. The first time I gave it to someone, they
never used it for the intended purpose and I immediately just
starting getting spam. Just got tons and tons of spam and I
blamed it on them. Spam me. People who say positive things
to me have hidden agendas. Their actual goal is to try and be
nice to get my hopes up so they can devastate me in the end.
Taking away everything I have, leaving me with nothing to look
forward to. I take offense to statements regarding how similar
someone is to me. Because, I know deep down that there is
no one that can understand and relate. I have absolutely
nothing in common with anyone and that is the way I like it.
After all that being said, I fear that people will know now
that I am aware of their motives and they will become more
vicious with their approach to get me. But, I am trying to be
strong and stand up to those that are out to get me. I had to
come out of hiding, which is why I started these videos. There is
no such thing as privacy in my world, so I was just like, “Oh,
why not just come on here and say everything?” It’s not like
people don’t already know what my thoughts are anyway.
Because they already know. They know. Everyone knows. So anyway, I want to thank
anyone who watched this video and didn’t think I was some
creepy weirdo who needs to get help, be on meds, or be in some
mental ward since I know a lot of people think this. Thank you!

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