No makeup? Shower hair? Laying on the ground? This is an extra level of intimate we’ve reached. [music] I think being naked and talking about appearance slash dysphoria is going to be a new segment on this channel called Body Talks. Would you like that? Would you like some body talks? The last video I filmed, I talked about my relationship with my boobs and curves and hips and things, but it was very emotional aaand tangential aaand hard to follow, SO this is take two of that. For those of you who have been following this channel for a while, you are well aware that I used to despise slash not feel connected to my hair. Thankfully, I don’t anymore, but did you know that I am currently not a big fan of my boobs and my curves and my weight and my hips and things? And this is mainly for two reasons: One, honestly, they make me feel fat, and two, they are too “womanly” to feel like they’re mine. My girlish breasts and curves clash with my genderqueer gender identity. And that’s not necessarily something that I feel. I really don’t think that body parts define a person’s gender. I think a guy can have boobs, and I think a woman can have a penis, and I think I can have whatever body parts I have and still identify as genderqueer and be validly genderqueer, but I think those “obviously female” parts of me, my boobs and my curves, delegitimize my genderqueer identity in the eyes of other people, aaand it makes me insecure. When it comes up or when a person learns I’m genderqueer, I feel like they’re too distracted by my body parts to believe me. I feel like they’re thinking to themselves, “You’re not genderqueer. You’re a woman. I can see it. It’s right there. It’s so obvious. How can you miss it? “There is the proof. Right on your chest. On each side of your hips.” And this is kind of a newish insecurity I’ve developed. I used to be more confident in people accepting my gender. But within the last couple years,
I’ve just been called a fat dyke too many times to have faith in general humanity anymore. “Fat dyke” is probably my most popular negative comment, and my negative comments are decently frequent. If I had a dollar for every time I was called some variation of overweight, obese, fat, chubby, and some derogatory version of lesbian, lesbo, dyke, butchy butcherson, I could live off my YouTube revenue. Easily, and I would be rich. And honestly, I don’t think I’m fat. I don’t. I think I am very average weighted, or at least I used to. I used to think that I wasn’t, like, the skinniest human in the world. I wasn’t mega-thin. But I never NEVER thought I was fat. It’s just been beaten into me in the comments, just beaten, just so many fat comments slung at me over and over, like a firehose, that eventually, those start to sink in. And “fat dyke” is especially hard for me. Let’s deconstruct the comment a little. Obviously, in its mean-spirited context, “fat” means more than just overweight. It means ugly, unattractive, undesirable, worthless. And then the “dyke” part is hard because people are saying a few things when they call me a dyke. They’re saying, 1) Your gender identity is not valid. I do not see your genderqueer identity. You are a woman. You’re a woman. You’re a dyke. And then because it’s said in a derogatory, insulting way, not only is that person calling me a woman, but they’re kind of saying I’m a failure at being a woman. I’m a butchy, disgusting, lesbo creature that no man could ever love or want, and since finding the love of a man is obviously a woman’s primary goal in life [laughs] I fail. So yeah, after you’ve read 9 hundred and 10 thousand “fat dyke” comments, it starts to take a toll. You start to see yourself as a fat dyke. And this is where a lot of my dysphoria is borne from, because I figure, maybe if I looked less like a fat dyke, people would stop calling me a fat dyke, and then I start to have this fantasy where I’m a really skinny, flat little androgynous kid. In my perfect world, I would be super thin and gender ambiguous, and my gender identity and appearance would just gel. But I’ve got these boobs that just are so feminine and maternal and womanly and boob-like. And I’m not kidding. This might be TMI, but they’re, like, on the cusp of D cups. They’re like C cups, almost D cups. They’re like boobs. I can’t tell you why. I just know I’m not meant to have giant boobs. I would happily get a breast reduction if it were super safe and super cheap, but it’s not. And truthfully, I think I might even be happier if I just went for it and got total top surgery and was completely flat. I have contemplated that a lot. It’s confusing though, because when it comes to my boobs, I feel most of my dysphoria when I’m wearing clothes. Seeing my chest bumps under my shirt causes me more dysphoria than looking in the mirror when I don’t have any clothes on. And I have this theory that it’s because when I’m wearing clothes is when I’m in front of people, and it’s the way other people see me that causes me dysphoria, but there are a very limited number of people in this world who see me with no clothes. There are two people. I am one of them. And the people who see me with no clothes don’t judge my body parts. My boobs don’t invalidate my genderqueer gender identity. Everyone who sees me without clothes believes me. So then I get confused about would I be having a breast reduction or top surgery for other people or for myself? And it’s like a mix of both, because, like, I definitely want smaller boobs, but, like, do I want no boobs? Maybe. I don’t know! And I keep saying “want”: I want smaller boobs. I want less curves. But “want” is a huge understatement. It’s like I yearn for them. So what does my dysphoria make me do? It makes me do a lot of unhealthy things. It makes me hate myself and the way I look. It makes me skip meals and eat very low calorie diets when I have the self-control. It makes me loathe myself when I don’t have the
self-control to do that, and I feel like a lazy, fat waste. And it makes me think transphobic things regarding my personal gender identity. I start to believe the things I hear, and think my gender identity isn’t real. It’s not valid. I’m just a selfish, goofy millenial searching for attention on a quest to feel special. And that’s not at all how I feel in my heart, but eventually dysphoria and super shitty self-image gets to you, and you start to buy into unhealthy ways of thinking. My dysphoria also makes me bind every day, which isn’t an unhealthy thing if you do it in a safe way, and I always do it in a safe way, so that’s one way I cope with my dysphoria is by binding. And yeah. So I’m about to wrap up this video, but I want to hit one more very important point before I do. I want to emphasize very clearly, very explicitly, that I am not proud of any of my unhealthy actions, and I am not condoning any of them. If you relate to my feelings or my behaviors at all,
I do want you to feel less alone, but I don’t want you to feel like that’s okay or cool or be proud that you an I have this in common. Skipping meals and hating the way you look is not cool, it’s not healthy, and it’s something I am constantly working on changing. I want to love the body I’m in, and I want to treat it right. That is cool. I do condone that. And if you’re not quite there yet on the loving yourself bus or the treating your body well train, I’m not shaming you. Wherever you are in your mental health journey is where you are, but please, for me, but more importantly for you, work on getting better. This is kind of a downer video, and I don’t mean to just wallow in my struggles. I’m talking about it because I feel like discussions surrounding non-binary dysphoria don’t really happen, and therefore, there’s not a lot of support or advice on that issue for that community, and I would like to change that, so hello. I am starting the discussion.
It’s been started. I’m looking at you, fellow non-binary pals. Let’s kick off a discussion in the comments about our bodies, our expressions, and any dysphoria we may have. I want the space below this video to be filled with encouragements and suggestions for how people can better be healthy and love their appearance. Yeah. Even better if you make a video response.
Then you will get mega-points. The next Body Talk video is probably going to cover body hair, and why I don’t ever really shave my legs, so I will end things on that sexy note. [cluck] Okay, bye. [pop] [music]