My Relationship With My Chest


No makeup? Shower hair? Laying on the ground? This is an extra level of intimate we’ve reached. [music] I think being naked and talking about appearance slash dysphoria is going to be a new segment on this channel called Body Talks. Would you like that? Would you like some body talks? The last video I filmed, I talked about my relationship with my boobs and curves and hips and things, but it was very emotional aaand tangential aaand hard to follow, SO this is take two of that. For those of you who have been following this channel for a while, you are well aware that I used to despise slash not feel connected to my hair. Thankfully, I don’t anymore, but did you know that I am currently not a big fan of my boobs and my curves and my weight and my hips and things? And this is mainly for two reasons: One, honestly, they make me feel fat, and two, they are too “womanly” to feel like they’re mine. My girlish breasts and curves clash with my genderqueer gender identity. And that’s not necessarily something that I feel. I really don’t think that body parts define a person’s gender. I think a guy can have boobs, and I think a woman can have a penis, and I think I can have whatever body parts I have and still identify as genderqueer and be validly genderqueer, but I think those “obviously female” parts of me, my boobs and my curves, delegitimize my genderqueer identity in the eyes of other people, aaand it makes me insecure. When it comes up or when a person learns I’m genderqueer, I feel like they’re too distracted by my body parts to believe me. I feel like they’re thinking to themselves, “You’re not genderqueer. You’re a woman. I can see it. It’s right there. It’s so obvious. How can you miss it? “There is the proof. Right on your chest. On each side of your hips.” And this is kind of a newish insecurity I’ve developed. I used to be more confident in people accepting my gender. But within the last couple years,
I’ve just been called a fat dyke too many times to have faith in general humanity anymore. “Fat dyke” is probably my most popular negative comment, and my negative comments are decently frequent. If I had a dollar for every time I was called some variation of overweight, obese, fat, chubby, and some derogatory version of lesbian, lesbo, dyke, butchy butcherson, I could live off my YouTube revenue. Easily, and I would be rich. And honestly, I don’t think I’m fat. I don’t. I think I am very average weighted, or at least I used to. I used to think that I wasn’t, like, the skinniest human in the world. I wasn’t mega-thin. But I never NEVER thought I was fat. It’s just been beaten into me in the comments, just beaten, just so many fat comments slung at me over and over, like a firehose, that eventually, those start to sink in. And “fat dyke” is especially hard for me. Let’s deconstruct the comment a little. Obviously, in its mean-spirited context, “fat” means more than just overweight. It means ugly, unattractive, undesirable, worthless. And then the “dyke” part is hard because people are saying a few things when they call me a dyke. They’re saying, 1) Your gender identity is not valid. I do not see your genderqueer identity. You are a woman. You’re a woman. You’re a dyke. And then because it’s said in a derogatory, insulting way, not only is that person calling me a woman, but they’re kind of saying I’m a failure at being a woman. I’m a butchy, disgusting, lesbo creature that no man could ever love or want, and since finding the love of a man is obviously a woman’s primary goal in life [laughs] I fail. So yeah, after you’ve read 9 hundred and 10 thousand “fat dyke” comments, it starts to take a toll. You start to see yourself as a fat dyke. And this is where a lot of my dysphoria is borne from, because I figure, maybe if I looked less like a fat dyke, people would stop calling me a fat dyke, and then I start to have this fantasy where I’m a really skinny, flat little androgynous kid. In my perfect world, I would be super thin and gender ambiguous, and my gender identity and appearance would just gel. But I’ve got these boobs that just are so feminine and maternal and womanly and boob-like. And I’m not kidding. This might be TMI, but they’re, like, on the cusp of D cups. They’re like C cups, almost D cups. They’re like boobs. I can’t tell you why. I just know I’m not meant to have giant boobs. I would happily get a breast reduction if it were super safe and super cheap, but it’s not. And truthfully, I think I might even be happier if I just went for it and got total top surgery and was completely flat. I have contemplated that a lot. It’s confusing though, because when it comes to my boobs, I feel most of my dysphoria when I’m wearing clothes. Seeing my chest bumps under my shirt causes me more dysphoria than looking in the mirror when I don’t have any clothes on. And I have this theory that it’s because when I’m wearing clothes is when I’m in front of people, and it’s the way other people see me that causes me dysphoria, but there are a very limited number of people in this world who see me with no clothes. There are two people. I am one of them. And the people who see me with no clothes don’t judge my body parts. My boobs don’t invalidate my genderqueer gender identity. Everyone who sees me without clothes believes me. So then I get confused about would I be having a breast reduction or top surgery for other people or for myself? And it’s like a mix of both, because, like, I definitely want smaller boobs, but, like, do I want no boobs? Maybe. I don’t know! And I keep saying “want”: I want smaller boobs. I want less curves. But “want” is a huge understatement. It’s like I yearn for them. So what does my dysphoria make me do? It makes me do a lot of unhealthy things. It makes me hate myself and the way I look. It makes me skip meals and eat very low calorie diets when I have the self-control. It makes me loathe myself when I don’t have the
self-control to do that, and I feel like a lazy, fat waste. And it makes me think transphobic things regarding my personal gender identity. I start to believe the things I hear, and think my gender identity isn’t real. It’s not valid. I’m just a selfish, goofy millenial searching for attention on a quest to feel special. And that’s not at all how I feel in my heart, but eventually dysphoria and super shitty self-image gets to you, and you start to buy into unhealthy ways of thinking. My dysphoria also makes me bind every day, which isn’t an unhealthy thing if you do it in a safe way, and I always do it in a safe way, so that’s one way I cope with my dysphoria is by binding. And yeah. So I’m about to wrap up this video, but I want to hit one more very important point before I do. I want to emphasize very clearly, very explicitly, that I am not proud of any of my unhealthy actions, and I am not condoning any of them. If you relate to my feelings or my behaviors at all,
I do want you to feel less alone, but I don’t want you to feel like that’s okay or cool or be proud that you an I have this in common. Skipping meals and hating the way you look is not cool, it’s not healthy, and it’s something I am constantly working on changing. I want to love the body I’m in, and I want to treat it right. That is cool. I do condone that. And if you’re not quite there yet on the loving yourself bus or the treating your body well train, I’m not shaming you. Wherever you are in your mental health journey is where you are, but please, for me, but more importantly for you, work on getting better. This is kind of a downer video, and I don’t mean to just wallow in my struggles. I’m talking about it because I feel like discussions surrounding non-binary dysphoria don’t really happen, and therefore, there’s not a lot of support or advice on that issue for that community, and I would like to change that, so hello. I am starting the discussion.
It’s been started. I’m looking at you, fellow non-binary pals. Let’s kick off a discussion in the comments about our bodies, our expressions, and any dysphoria we may have. I want the space below this video to be filled with encouragements and suggestions for how people can better be healthy and love their appearance. Yeah. Even better if you make a video response.
Then you will get mega-points. The next Body Talk video is probably going to cover body hair, and why I don’t ever really shave my legs, so I will end things on that sexy note. [cluck] Okay, bye. [pop] [music]

100 comments

  1. Wow! People are HORRIBLE!!! You are definitely NOT fat! As someone who is actually fat, I can tell you that you aren’t. And secondly, you are ADORABLE!!! Don’t let people make you feel bad about yourself.

  2. Thankfully I am lucky enough to not have any dysphoria so far, and feel like my body perfectly reflects my complex gender identity.

  3. So many of my feelings about how I feel about my body and my identity were put into words. I really needed to hear this. Thank you 💜

  4. I feel the same way about my chest. Im ok with it when me or my partner see it but im not fond of it, just tolerate it. But when i wear clothes i feel to feminine and hate them which results in me slouching to the point that my parents think i have scoliosis. Im not sure if it's dysphoria or dysmorphia, but i am starting to experiment with a nonbianary nick name and nonbi pronouns. I dont feel like a man and i dont feel like a woman but everyone else in my life but my partner and internet friends call me feminine things (which give me bad anxiety) and i think that will always have to be, especially sence my parents are disrespectful and unaccepting of anything lgbt. Im just hoping i can figure out this gender crisis thing im going through soon

  5. Your adorable and cute the way you are so people can't understand that people can be different you are amazingly adorable ಲಜಲ. Love you °U°

  6. Why do you even care what other people think about you?? That is the most ridiculous thing. Stop caring about what other people think and your life will be 100% better.

  7. Ho-lee-schitt.
    I am totally dealing with disordered eating as a result of dysphoria and I didn't know that was a thing

  8. they are just jealous because they think they are unattractive so they call other people unattractive to make themselves feel better

  9. shh you cute, sweetie doll, love you.. in my view functional body parts well validate genders categories (male, female & transgender) as breast that can lactate, female & male functional reproductive systems

  10. Frickity frack my parents won’t let me get a binder, It might be to much to ask but does anyone know how I can convince them?

  11. Oh my goodness u just spoke to my heart… I feel all of what u just said… i cant even put into words how i feel i just…. im just crying so hard right now thank you so much for this.

  12. Damn some people are assholes.

    You're not fat you're pretty af.

    And you are a role model for many people including me.

  13. Past Ash: i have D cups bordering on DD cups with certain brands (eugh) and sports bras are great but also… I still have the titty bumps with loose, baggy clothes and its starting to get to me. Especially after I cut my hair short and got called "sir" a few times.

    ((But also you mean it isn't a [typical] cis woman's experience to look at a regular, everyday, Victoria's Secret bra, fitted, on my body and go "that's a no, I don't like"??))

  14. I've been called a dike just for admitting that i like girls. But that didn't stop me from showing my true self. My friends support me, my parents support me, almost everyone supports me. But sometimes my depression catches up to me and tells me all these negative things like "youre not good enough" "even if u like the same gender no one will like u" but i dont listen to that because I have a wonderful girlfriend and .. Yes im pansexual😂

  15. I have previously only watched some of your newer videos and in them you project such a sunny, positive and happy vibe. Hearing that you had these struggles is definitely real but makes me so sad anyone would grey your space. I feel you are a gem of a person. I hope that these horrible comments are fewer and your inner light is shining them out when they do happen.

  16. Thx ash very nice video you have helped me around my body and such thx let me say something for I leave how much is the top surgery i wonder because I was thinking about getting it?

  17. Ash you should look into Stoicism. Epictetus says that other people's actions and thoughts are out of our control so disregard them. The only things we can control are our actions and our thoughts so focus on those instead. If you're on Android download F-Droid app store and search for Stoic Reading, all of the ancient texts are in there, look for Epictetus' Enchiridion 🙂

  18. I love you and I am going through a lot Fat dike lol your cute i’m going through a lot and you’re the only thing that really helps me love you ash

  19. You are very normal! You have remember there are TROLLS who love to get under peoples skin and they love when they create drama. You have a great personality, a wonderful smile, and your content is teaching…so screw what others are saying because you are you, very likeable, and very intelligent, and a good person. 😉👍

  20. Wait fuck really! I feel kinda fine when i see my boobs but if i put clothes over them i feel super Uncomfortable as well! And i kinda do yes i propably do want a flat chest but i dont feel like im trans i dont want to be a man or a boy but i dont feel Uncomfortable if Someone thinks im male, i like my hair short and stuf but am i non-binary then. Idk and that scares me

  21. Ash has been called FAT like how I um Idk what to say you just aren’t like isn’t it clear
    DO THEY HAVE EYEBALLS you aren’t fat and curves don’t always make you womanly you can be whatever you want 🎉

  22. I wanna cry watching this… I feel this on a deeper level. I try soo hard to make it blatantly obvious that Im non-binary. I use my sports bra "its as close to a binder that I can feesible get" and it works, it makes me look like a buff dude because im a tad stockier. Ive got short hair. I sculpt my face to look masc, and I dress in mostly mens attire. And they just dont get it.

  23. Årh. So many belittled and viscious men are shaming on queer people. Don't take it in. You are not fat. At all. And even if you were, it shouldn't be something we mock each other with.
    I am a 187 cm (6"2) woman, who has been called all sorts of mean things by young men – that every time I see a group of young men, my stomach instantly tightens.
    I really despice/loathes theese sorts of people and wish them a long and painfull winter…

    That said, I have experienced body dysphoria every since I was a teenager who wasn't fully developed like the others.
    And now, I really have a problem with my breasts. I feel like they are too big and not a part of me. Like, I get sort of mystified and also very very intimidated when guys are cheking my breasts out. Objectifying me. I hate that. I feel very disgusted by this…

  24. In the vast, infinity that is the Internet, where anyone and everyone can have more than fifteen minutes of fame. An unimaginable set of probabilities and circumstances arose which brought you into my life. I was and am affected by your words. I see, more than anything else, an immense courage in you, from what you said and your explanation of how you feel. I am me and nothing and no one can ever know me. How can they, I don't know the real me. Keep on looking for yourself Ash and thanks, for just talking…. x

  25. I feel the exact same dysphoria as you. My Instagram name starts with a different name to my birth name ‘Alice’. And recently my internet pals have been calling me by my Instagram name, ‘Coco/ Koko’ and idk why but I feel rlly happy when they say/ type my name (cuz insta has voice notes and we use them a lot in our GC). My pronouns are they/ them. I wish to come out to friends irl but idk if i ever could. I’m feeling alone but with these two videos on your dysphoria, I’m not. I’m nonbinary too. < if you wanna respond below pls can use my preferred name Koko, or even Kai. With my preferred pronouns which are They/ Them/ Theirs. Thank you. Love from SE England🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿, UK🇬🇧~.

  26. IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I WAS CALLED FAT OR A HOMAPHOBIC NAME I WOULD HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLLLDD

  27. Thank you some much I am genderflux who has wanted to bind but always worried that everyone would think I am a trans man. When you said anyone could bind it helped me feel normal and I am going to try to find a binder for me. I love your channel and it helped me out of a dark place.

  28. fat Fat FAT omg no your like a sick now wait I’m going to kill those people😾

    There dead now there better now 😸

  29. Me sitting in a shop in the mall waiting for my friend to try stuff on, looking around and seeing that most people in the store are female,
    starts to get a wired feeling
    Thinking to self “I wonder what they see when they look at me, some gay girl probably (short hair stereotype), also what is this feeling??”
    Would people consider this social disforia??

  30. your style is not a movie, don't change it.

    Your body is not paper,
    Dont cut it.

    Your life is not a movie,
    Don't end it.

  31. Oof I'm a cis female but still worry so much about my body but u know what just ignore those a holes and with having trans phobic thoughts I can't relate to that but I'm a lesbian and I hate myself for it all the time

  32. I sometimes wake up, and feel like i’m unwanted. But, I look around myself and realise that there are some beautiful people around me. My mum is really supportive, my dad looks up to me and helps me with situations that may hurt me. My friends are helpful and always make sure I am ok, it can help me feel less depressed and worthless. It was always hard for me to get used to my body because I matured quiet quickly and I got worried something might happen to me. But I turned out fine, but I had to have more support in the things I wear and use, but ever since I got dermatitis I got a little upset. I have to apply this cream which takes ages to dry off, and it hurts to know that with all these things wrong with me affects me. Skipping the subject, I am pretty good at school, may have a few arguments with the teachers/students but I an alright in class, but… Outside I hate it… I get people calling me fat and teasing me, about my looks, size and personality ( I am somewhat the weird kid ) and I try my best to hold my tongue and not talk back. I always just feel hurt when I come home, that is why I suffer from low-self esteem and depression. I try my best though in school and at home, and I try not to let myself get too angry over the things that upset me. But other than that I am quiet well.

    Btw thanks for reading ❤️

  33. You are perfect. Why are you so perfect, and relatable? You're amazing! How are you this, just, the best? How does it happen?

  34. “Your a women I can see it!” I know it wasn’t supposed to be funny but…I laughed a little. I feel guilty

  35. My chest and mine relationship

    Me: Go away you bish…
    Chest: Srsly, is u boy
    Me: I'm agender
    Chest: You has full right to have chest then
    Me: NU
    Chest: YUS
    Me: Bish, I hate ya, go annoy someone else
    Chest: I'm yours forever
    Me: Siriusly
    Chest: Yupp
    Me: Hey dude I has binder >:3
    Chest: You bish… You don't hear about me last time
    Me: Nice to get rid of ya
    Binder: Doesn't work
    Me:
    Chest: Oi I'm bacc
    Me:
    Chest:
    Me:
    Chest:
    Trump:
    Jackie Chan:
    Obama himself:
    Chest:
    Me: Am I siriusly having argument with fuckin chest…

  36. I myself am an androgynous female. I don't know if what I'm experiencing is dysphoria (mostly because one of the people I know tells me that I can't experience dysphoria because I know I'm cis) but whatever it is is mainly targeted at my hair. I have decently long hair that I wish so badly I could cut. I can't because I am a minor and my dad likes me to have long hair. My hair honestly is one of the center points for my self-hate. It just makes me seem so girly and I hate it.

  37. Ashley I love you even though you are gay. Also I dont care what people think of my body its mine. There's not anything wrong with your body your. Also love can hurt but harsh words dont have to come from who ever said fat dike. If anything they a failure at understanding they dont have to love u or whatever. Like I said I love u even even though you are gay. You chose whether or not to love me back. And how old are you.

  38. I want to get top surgery because I'm genderfluid and when I'm presenting male or non-binary they cause me major dysphoria. When I'm presenting female, though, I just don't like them because they're inconvenient (with exercise, clothes, etc.). Is it worth it to get top surgery? I almost feel like I have too "weak" of a reason to.

  39. I actually thought i am the only one who has a bigger problem with seeing my chestbumbs under a shirt than standing naked in front of a mirror

  40. The thing is, I'm a cis female, but I don't have a strong connection to gender. Yet I hate my chest.
    My body is not done developing and I use D-cups. My boobs are so big compared to everyone I know my age. My mom is an M-cup, so her genes, yeah, let's just say I can expect even bigger boobies in the future. (These are Denmarks bra-sizes btw)
    I really want top-surgery when I turn 18, but in Denmark you need the diagnose "transsexual" to get it (after you have waited for years)
    As of now, my best option would be to get a reduction, but I know I wouldn't be satisfied. I honestly don't know what to do if things doesn't change within the next four years.

  41. everything you're saying is almost painfully relatable. you're really cute and your wife is super lucky. she's really cute too.

  42. I feel like there's so much I hate about my boobs that ive berried inside my head for years. Its all a little overwhelming, I look at my boobs now in my twenties and think, nope ive never in my life, come close t liking these two useless lumps of fat on my chest even a little bit and I wouldn't miss them they were gone at all. Ive never really fitted into a traditional bra either, like they're there but in such an insignificant non-committal way that its really hard to make them appealing to other people and myself.Theres so much I want/ yearn for about the liberty of having no boobs that I dont have in me to make sound coherent and logical , from shirtless swimming and sleeping, to shirtless sex to shirtless exercise to not having to ever wear a bra again to not having to worry about breast cancer which I have in m family history to being able to wear mens shirts and look fantastic in a t-shirt (according to my eyes anyway) and then finally to having my body match up with my identity too. I am neither really a man or a woman, Im a person with slightly more masculine traits then feminine traits and always have been. And I think its logical to really RREEAALLLLY want your body to look the way you feel it should. I mean even my name is I look so much better in mens clothes to the point where dresses and other traditional feminine items end up looking just strange on me.. Also, I dont shave my legs iether.

  43. I am a transguy and I also know this. I do feel dysphoric about nearly my whole body (I am working on it) but there are things that doesn't make me more dysphoric but I feel like it should make me dysphoric becaise otherwise I am ,,not really trans" or ,,a trender".
    You help me a lot to understand myself better and to see that there are people outside who feel the same or similar things.
    Love, Nevio <3

  44. I got a new bra a few days ago, it’s super feminine, it’s like a turquoise color and I thought it was super cute and it made me feel really comfortable. Immediately the next day I felt super uncomfortable and I DIDNT like how it was super feminine. Idk what’s wrong with me, I’m super confused….

  45. This video has helped me so much because I can relate to the dysphoria that they're talking about and I always thought it wasn't real

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