My Non-Binary Dysphoria


New apartment! New life experiences. I
turned nineteen. I’m going to count that as a life experience. And a new video style.
I want to try out this thing where at the end of every video I ask for
comment and video responses and then I make a separate video where I respond to
all of those, so stay tuned for how you can get involved in that. I am non-binary, meaning I am neither entirely male nor entirely female, and I
experience gender dysphoria, which is a feeling of discomfort caused by my
gender identity being different from the gender I was assigned at birth. A trans
guy I knew in high school used a metaphor to describe dysphoria that it
feels similar to wearing a really uncomfortable ill-fitting outfit and
being stuck in that outfit. I was feeling particularly dysphoric when he explained
this metaphor to me, so I objected to how mild it made dysphoria seem. I think
overall it is a pretty good metaphor that gives a good, like understanding of
dysphoria to people who have never experienced it – with – with one addition. I
think the uncomfortable outfit of dysphoria is more like a uniform for a
job that’s not yours although everyone treats you like it is your job because
you’re wearing that uniform. That’s social dysphoria. The cool thing about
young me not entirely relating to one trans person’s metaphor for dysphoria is
that it gives me a good opportunity to mention that not every trans person’s
experiences with dysphoria are the same, and the experiences I talk about in this
video are only my experiences. Although some people may be able to relate to
them, they’re my experiences. Here are a few things that make me
dysphoric: my lack of a dick occasionally – fairly often makes me feel
dysphoric, my curves, my height and small appendages,
my voice (although that one’s getting better,) and being called by my dead name
or wrong pronouns. Dysphoria is really tricky, and for a lot of people there’s
no real way to make it completely go away, but I have a few ways of dealing
with my dysphoria including packing, which is when I stick a prosthetic penis
in my underpants, which I would show you if I hadn’t forgotten my dick at my
parents house a hundred thousand few miles away. I’ve been taking testosterone
for over seven months to help alleviate dysphoria. It might sound silly but I
have a particular pair of favorite undies that even if I just wear these
under feminine clothing, they really help me feel less dysphoric, and I think generally like underwear is a subtle change that you can make in
your expression if you are living in a space where you can’t play around with
your expression a whole lot. It’s a subtle thing that very few people will
notice unless they look at your laundry that you can play around with and maybe
feel a little bit more affirmed. So 10/10 would recommend. Another
thing I do occasionally but not often is bind my chest, usually to alleviate
social dysphoria and not because I have a whole lot of body dysphoria around my
chest. However, binding does give me gender
euphoria, and speaking of which… Integral to understanding my experiences as a trans
person is also understanding gender euphoria. Gender euphoria is a feeling of
“AH, YES!” I get when I see myself with a flat chest or when someone out in public
calls me “sir” or when t makes my voice drop to my clit. I feel like there’s a lot of confusion about non-binary dysphoria because
there’s seemingly not as clear of a solution to our dysphoria if the
solution to binary trans people’s dysphoria is to be affirmed as the
binary gender they identify as. I understand where this confusion comes
from but I also want to divulge some ways that I could personally feel
affirmed as non-binary to try and demonstrate where my experiences with
dysphoria come from. I think of my dysphoria as a balancing act between the
traditionally masculine and the traditionally feminine. Because it’s hard
if not completely impossible to solely express myself and gender-neutral ways
considering how most things are traditionally gendered, I feel most
neutral and affirmed when I can express myself evenly in masculine ways and in
feminine ways. Individual cases of being called “she” by strangers don’t
necessarily make me feel dysphoric, but thinking that I am universally read as
female does. Even though I’m not a man, it can be affirming for me to be read as
male in public because it is a sign that I’m not being universally read as female.
Being universally read as a cis man would also not be my favorite thing
because I would ideally be able to be read as any and all genders by different
people. Androgyny is a weird thing to quantify
and strive for because even if you are really androgynous and make a lot of
people question what gender you are, there will still be people who read you
as a gender. I most often see androgyny expressed as masculine attire on a
traditionally feminine body or feminine attire on a traditionally masculine body.
Part of the reason why physically transitioning with hormones feels
affirming to me is because I really like playing around with feminine expression.
I think I’ve been seen as androgynous when I was pre-t and dressed really
masculinely, but masculine expression just doesn’t feel right for me. I think
having a body that was more often perceived as male and being able to play
around with femininity without being overtly gendered as female would feel
really great. At the same time I don’t hate all the feminine aspects of my body.
People have argued that I like being on t because it won’t make
me androgynous, it’ll just make me masculine. It might make me be read as
male more often than I’m read as female, which I think I could live with. Still,
t won’t get rid of all the feminine aspects of my body. I look forward to
hopefully being able to find spaces where I can safely sport a beard with a
midriff-baring top. I recognize that’s a fairly socially unacceptable combination
of body parts, but I think it’d be really affirming for me to be able to achieve
that. If you have any thoughts relating to this video, leave a comment down below
or email me a video response to the email on screen and in the description
to possibly be included in a future video where I respond to y’all’s
thoughts. I want to try and encourage this conversation away from debating the
validity of my transness, my dysphoria, or my choice to physically transition and
instead talk about your experiences if you think you relate to or can’t relate
to what it’s like for me to have dysphoria or how you think it’s maybe
different for a non-binary person to experience dysphoria from a binary trans
person. Cool. Thanks for watching. Peace! Something I also do occasionally but not
often is bind my tiddies to my chest. tiddies tiddies tiddies tiddies tiddies
tiddies tiddies

99 comments

  1. (I feel like my grandma right now. I am 33 going on 92.)

    This answered some of my questions about being gender nonbinary. However, I do not understand how this type of dysphoria is attributed to a non-binary gender ID instead of a transgender ID. (All of the traits described were masculine which leads me to my confusion.)

  2. Getting better… I still don't think non binary is real, but you aren't trying to make us agree, you gave your experience. …hits like button I actually enjoyed these last two videos and made it to the end.

  3. how can you be non-binary, saying you don't identify as either female or male, but then be upset if you get called by the wrong pronoun? If you don't identify as a certain gender why you want to be called "he" then? None of what you're saying really makes sense.

  4. ok. soooo. whats up calling folks who are fine who they are as either male or female as cis. it just sounds gross. know its a bit off topic of this video but just curious.

  5. Like this style of video, very genuine. I think the more you focus on what other people gender you as, the more you take away from who you are. Maybe society got all the gender cues wrong. I want to see Milo.

  6. I'm genuinely confused, how can you be considered trans if you are non-binary? Isn't that you transitioning from one gender to the other ( male and female), and aesthetically you appear to be transitioning from a feminine to a masculine exterior to suit a more male identity. From my understanding, I view non-binary and gender-fluidity as a misconception between masculinity and femininity and male and female( in terms of gender and sex.) Everyone feels more feminine or masculine in their life but that doesn't misconstrued with their gender identity, nor does it make them androgynous. I may be wrong, but this is my understanding and what I'm confused about, please correct me if I am wrong.

  7. It's good to see you sort out these changes. There's no need for a burden of proof on anyone's behalf but your own to yourself.

  8. I think I understand your dysphoria better. I don't really scientifically believe in nb, but it's mostly because a lot of people I know that id as nb tell me it's different than being trans and it has to do more with societies rendering of them. I believe in it in that aspect and i can kinda see where you're coming from if that's the case.

    edit: also I still like quinby as a name lol

  9. the longer time goes on the more respect i have for milo. it's nice to see how much he's changed/grown. have a good one dude

  10. WHY ARE YOU SO ATTRACTIVE NOW OMG.
    I like this vid, there are alot of gay guys that dress very effeminately is that the the esthetic you seek? I guess my only issue with anything you said is the vibe that you can't just be a man and be not very masculine or a woman and not very feminine. no issue with people being NB it's just the language that's often used seems to erase gender expressions that don't or aren't intended to change a person's actual gender.

  11. i am a trans male (pre-everything) and i.. just..love looking at makeup and nail polish because i like colours so i painted my toenails and i like how it makes my eyes feel when looking at iT BUT IT ALSO BRINGS ME DYSPHORIA AND THEN I SCREAM CAUSE I want testosterone and surgery

    i have no clue where i was going with this at all big scream

  12. Interesting. So you are most comfortable as a mix of feminine & masculine? You are not taking T to become "male", but to be closer to your personal ideal of androgynous? Do I understand this correctly? BTW, thanks for the manner in which you've done this video; I am sincerely trying to understand you.

  13. I Like your change in tone from before.

    I'm still confused but I think its cool you want to be who you want to be.

    So do that. 🙂

  14. so if having all of these female qualities make you uncomfortable, then why is there a desire to be non-binary and not just full on transition to a man?

  15. i used to be one of your haters, cuz you admitted you used to be a troll. now that i see youre actually sincere. im 100% supporting you and id have a beer with you any time dude. cuz you came clean and owned it. you do that and you own your life. nothing but respect for owning up to you.

  16. So, is it that you genuinely felt like you were the wrong gender, or do you just want to confuse people? Like are you just trying to rebel against "the norm"?

  17. sweet, I have gender dysforia as well, been wearing bras since single digit age, then around 40 I ran out of fucks to give, spent a year living as a woman… I still have my female wardrobe but usually just go out as gender nonconforming. wearing a bra and filling it out with some high quality double D prosthetics.

    Rarely get called ma'am though. 🙁

  18. Your voice has changed quite a lot in the short span of a month.. I hope I'm not being offensive by trying to ask a personal question, but are you taking testosterone? I'm just curious as I did not know that it has such fast effects.

  19. Thanks for sharing. This is how people from the other side will listen – keeping your cool and just informing. It's wonderful to see how much you have grown in perspective. Thank you!

  20. If you're really non binary, then what's the point of changing your gender to male? It makes no sense! You just seem like you're really confused, not non binary.

  21. dont expect you to reply, or even read this. but i am a 25yo "straight" white guy, relatively successful professionally etc, but ever since i was a teen i emotionally connected with gay men, yet physically was attracted to women, yet cannot develope that emotional connection with them. it never made sense until a few months ago when i met a trans woman, and we dated for around a month. i have never felt more natural or honest with another human in my life, yet all i could think were the imagined voices of the queer community accusing me of "fetishizing" trans peoples or not being gay enough, or something similar, or that if i openly came out to my workplace that my professional life would be put at stake in the "straight" community.

    nonetheless, i could not come to terms with the conflicting voices inside my mind and we broke up after not so long.

    am i simply a shitty human being who is using the dysphoria of others for my own satisfaction, or am i in some weird way part of the lgbt community in your mind?

    i admire your courage to be so honest with everyone online. i sincerely lack that strength myself and i wish you all the best.

  22. wow, you're voice is almost as deep as mine, my voice is pretty high, but I actually don't mind my natural voice, it has served me well in my experience with singing.

  23. I 100% relate! I've been on T for long enough now that I pass as male consistently and I wish I had the courage to express in a more feminine or unconventional way. My physical dysphoria is gone and in that sense I feel fantastic, but I hate the feeling of being boxed into one or two binary categories. I'd love to play with my gender expression a bit more but I'm scared I'll make myself a target for transphobic harassment, or be accused of being a 'fake tran' ya know?

  24. Hey Milo,

    I think this is really taking a turn for the better.
    This was really about you instead of how people around you should adapt to you.
    For me this is the point where you'd gain enough of my respect to call you he/him/himself

  25. "Titties, titties, titties, titties, titties"!
    Lol, I'm saying this in a good-natured way,…is that T starting to make you think a bit like a stereotypical guy?

  26. It seems a shame to me that you are so dependent on other's opinions about you and how you come across (but completely understandable). I wish for you enjoy who you are without needing external affirmation.

  27. So I'm kinda trying to figure things out for myself, and I'm fairly sure I'm non-binary. However, I'm only ever read as female because my chest isn't exactly small and that makes me feel very dysphoric sometimes. What are some ways you can suggest that might make me seem more masculine (or even better, neutral)?

  28. Do your parents know about your dick? cause if they find it it's gonna be hella awkward. 😂😂
    Also, I know other people have said this, but I'm seeing you more as a trans dude with feminine qualities. I'm not saying this to invalidate you, but just so you can also see this as an option. I identified as nb and no nb space tell you this. Also don't let feminism and the bullshit idea of toxic masculinity dissuade you from presenting masculine. Do whatever you can to relieve your dysphoria

  29. This video impressed me. I wasn't watching it thinking "omg ! cringey milo xD" like a lot of people think when they look at your channel name or old videos. Rather, I thought less about you and more about the subject at hand. So let's talk about that.

    I have had dysphoria as a transgender demiboy myself, so I can speak from personal experience when I say that you're right! I totally agree with what you were saying. My dead name is awful, and I feel sick whenever I get called by it. I'm less than 18, so I don't want to take huge measures in being more like a boy. Side note for you, your voice has a feminine pitch but a masculine tone, so maybe try lowering your voice and you'll sound more like a dude if you're into that. Binding is an option, but if the health risks or anything would scare you or anyone, wearing 2 sports bras, a boy's shirt and a flannel shirt (not snug) is what I wear a lot and it works for me. Fidget toys are an option to stop flipping out and having a panic attack (lol me). And also, freaking support my trans kid friends , especially ones with un-supportive parents. Thumbs up if you agree or if this helped at all.

  30. its so nice to see that you're changing, I have actually gained respect for you! best of luck on your journey dude

  31. At everyone making comparisons/jokes about identifying as an animal or object or some shit: the difference with that is that when you are a fetus, you have the chance of being born male or female. there is no chance of someone being born a penguin/attack helicopter lmao. Also i totally understand the confusion with non binary but intersex conditions are a thing ("hermaphrodites")

  32. hey miloop
    i dont agree with must of what u say
    but in same time i dont hate you and post shit comments on your video like other people
    i just see a sad person who cant find his place in the world just like me
    u just have to accept and love your self and dont fucking care about what people calls you and how people look at u just love ur self
    btw i live in syria and seeing death every day and the idea of that any day i could die at the age 21 had tought me to stop caring about how i look or how people see me and focus about loving my self and being my self
    rly bilieve me seeing people dieng every day childrens friend relatives make the idea that some one called you he or she rly rly silly just try to enjoy ur life 😊wish u the best luck

  33. To be honest. I don't get why you are still getting hate Milo. You changed and to me it seems pathetic that people feel they have to bring up your past videos (76 genders, All white people are racist video) because that was back about two years ago. I personally really hope people stop taking the piss out of you.

  34. I hardly see any positive comments on these videos. I think people just need to get on with the bullshit and let people be themselves and who they want to be.

  35. I honestly love your new videos, Milo. You've improved a ton! I've been questioning my gender and sexuality lately, and have been coming to your channel to help. Thank you!

  36. still don't understand, but I think I'm getting closer. used to bind my chest when I was a kid, but that's only because my mom always told me how much more happy she would have been had I been a boy. I equated my femininity to her alcoholism. but now I love my period, I love my boobs,….
    anyways , I like how you're trying to explain this in a way so those of us who've never been in your shoes might get a sense of understanding.

  37. I actually find it much easier to listen to what you have to say now. You give out a new, more calm and collected energy and I really like your tone in your latest videos. As someone who wants to learn more about this topic I found this video very educational. Keep up the good work!

  38. I'm actually wondering if your taking testosterone what's the difference between trans and non binary? Not hating I just wanna understand

  39. Honestly I don't agree with like 99% of the things you believe but I think I'm gonna sub because I do quite enjoy watching your videos, you seem quite likeable.

  40. You seem to have made a good develoment as a person, I do not know if you were in therapy, but you seem so much more sorted and confident, keep that going.

  41. CAN I JUST SAY you're so cute! The glasses look awesome on you. I see all these mean comments and I'm like 🙁 lol

  42. Thanks for this video
    I get the whole gender expression thing
    I would love to be read as a guy just so I could wear traditionally feminine clothing and not be read as a girl
    Like, I would love to wear a crop top and a skirt if only my chest were flat

  43. I really can't deal with how much hate they receive. I myself had come to terms with the fact that I possibly may be nonbinary and let me explain that it is just something that you KNOW about yourself. You discover it when, par example, you have to tick masculine or feminine in a poll and you don't know which one to choose. And it's not confusion, it's actually trying to embrace that you may in fact not be any of those.
    But seeing how much hatred Milo receives makes me really sad and not want to come out EVER.
    Although I don't understand why do people have to be DICKS all the time!!! Let other people live life the way they feel like living. It's none of your fucking business. Why y'all need to spread hate? There's already much of that in the world expressing itself in wars, par example. Just stop it. And if you don't UNDERSTAND something, that's ok, you may ask if you want to, but you NEVER EVER HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE DISRESPECTFUL AND DISCRIMINATORY. That's another thing.

  44. so do you feel more free now? like youre wearing a shirt too big and it just feels comfy? I have so many questions I wish you would answer

  45. The way you described dysphoria was spot on! Thank you for the analogy, it will help me explain to others.

  46. I'm a non binary AMAB person and I experience nipple dysphoria (and occasional top dysphoria), slight bottom dysphoria, body hair dysphoria, voice dysphoria, "Adam's apple" dysphoria and lots of social dysphoria. Thanks for talking about non binary dysphoria because it's rarely talked about. Love you Milo <3

  47. The thing about non binary is that it is not STRICTLY male or female. A non binary perosn can go in whatever ditection on the gender spectrum. A lot of it is how you feel. So if Milo was assigned girl at birth and choses to go on T, then it is not them wanting to be a male, but wanting to feel more comfortable or more male like. Same goes for someone who was asigned male at birth and goes through esteogen. It should not be assumed that just becomes someone undegoead hormone reassiagment that they want to be the gender that is assosociated wirh those hormones.

  48. You managed to articulate so many things that have been bouncing around my brain for years. Thank you. I can't even explain how much this helped me to watch. I've never been able to relate so closely to someone's gendered experience before.

  49. Do you dislike the word hermaphrodite? I study mythology and the child of Hermes and Aphrodite was Hermaphroditus, both male and female and an interesting archetype. ask because I find that people get angry about practically everything and I’m always walking on eggshells. If you dislike it could you explain that to me? I appreciate it. Thank you.

  50. So… You want to be called "sir" a male pronoun of calling someone out. You are wanting a male clothes, and pronouns and more. But you are nonbinary? Why not just try to actually be NB…

  51. Sometimes I'm not sure weather I'm non binary. I hate my chest but I love my singing voice… my speaking voice sucks. I like masculine clothing. I've been going by a different name, which is much more masculine. I feel more comfortable with my facial hair, which is totally natural btw, no t involved. I just wish it looked more complete. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just wanna look like a person with style. I'm afraid I won't transition well. Even worse, I'm afraid I'll lose my singing voice. I could change my name legally but if I don't pass people will get weird and question my name… fml can actual garbage be a gender?

  52. does anyone know if they take a low dose of T? Because I'm ftm and if i didn't pass as male when 7 months as male id be completely shattered and well no offence but milo doesn't pass as male

  53. Good grief, what shit-poster sent over their cronies to do a 6k mass Dislike?? 😣 I'm sorry people can be such assholes, Milo. Please keep on keepin' on! 💓💓💓

  54. I am very confused as to why people slam your dislike button… You educate people and seem like a cool person.
    I just don't understand the point. Then again I have always been accepting of how people that aren't me are different, and I celebrate their differences.

  55. Testosterone willl make you completely masculine, at a superficial level at least. Then you'll be too male. You'll try to be non-binary as a male-looking person by adding femininity. Then you'll get people thinking you are a MTF person or a effeminate man. You will cop all the abuse that MTF people and effeminate men get. Then you'll detransition realising it was better to be a boyish/androgynous female. You may not be able to recapture the female elements in your face and body, the ones that made you look and feel androgynous. Then you'll need therapy to sort your life out.

  56. Re: Wanting a beard and to show a "sassy midriff". On testosterone your fat distribution will change into the male distribution as you know. This means that any fat will move from your hips and bum to your abdomen (midriff). This may give you male paunch. It will be covered in hair. A beard and a hairy paunchy male midriff suddenly doesn't seem so sassy?

  57. I just came across this video and I'm really sad about home much hate it received. As someone who JUST came out as non-binary (trans questioning), yea, a lot of this spot on. Yes, every person like us will explain it differently. Your dysphoria obviously wont be universal but I feel like you get that. This video made me feel validated until I saw all of the nasty comments. Please if you have mean things to say, just keep then to yourself.

  58. I know this video is 2 years old, but assuming you still think the same way, I have this comment/question.
    You say you are non-binary, yet every thing you say that makes you dysphoric is the lack of something that AMAB people have- you want a flat chest, lower voice, penis, to be read as male. How is any of that non-binary? That’s a genuine, non sarcastic question. I’m not trying to be rude. Forgive me and ignore me if that was not an appropriate thing to ask.
    I wish you the best on your journey to being the best version of you that you can be. I hope you find peace and happiness as the person you are inside and out. My only suggestion (take it for what it’s worth, since I’m just a random stranger on the internet) is that if you haven’t already sought out a gender therapist and or a regular therapist, then maybe do that. There is no shame in seeking to better your mental health. We see a doctor when our physical health changes, it should be no different for our mental health. I know I wouldn’t have made it this far in life without seeing a therapist periodically.
    Okay, sorry for the novel.🙃. Just want to put this out there for you in hopes you read it.
    Even if you ignore everything else I said, hear this- Ignore the haters and just keep being the version of you that makes you the most comfortable in your own skin, whatever that looks like. 🌈💛🧡

  59. I’ve been considering micro dosing t, I’m not actually sure if I’d like a beard(because I’m lazy about shaving and that sounds like more work), but I would like to be perceived as more masculine as I feel I’m perceived as female 100% or the time

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *