Living With PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)


I’m a bit anxious about making this
video, so bare with me if I start losing my breath. But I want to do it cause I think
it’s important and I’m not afraid to talk about it, so I might as well. Even if
I start to have an anxiety attack on camera I tried recording this already where I
tried to put on a cool face and I just I kept getting short of breath so I’m just going to own it I am having anxiety. so now that I’ve got that awkward intro out there let’s just go
right in know what this video is about I suffer from PMDD Now what is PMDD? It
is premenstrual…*mumbles* yup disorder exactly And what it actually is, is a demon that
comes around once a month and tries to murder you from the inside out basically
and that’s not an exaggeration. When your hormones change for your period to come
your brain doesn’t – when you have PMDD your brain doesn’t react well to the
change and it basically takes over your mind If PMS is a cold – a common cold, PMDD
is like pneumonia, okay. Like there’s just no comparison you just completely become
a different person your mood just goes crazy you’re irrational
and these may all sound like PMS symptoms but it’s times ten. With PMDD, it
it’s so big that you start to be – you can become suicidal and then once your
period comes it’s gone and you’re like oh why did I just break a window that
was a dumb. The reason I’m making this video is because one; people are severely
uneducated about PMDD. A lot of people have never heard of it, and then when they do
they don’t believe it’s real. They think it’s crazy. How could a period make you
want to kill yourself? Well, it does. I’m living proof. But I honestly don’t think
people, even when I tell them, I don’t know if people really still get it.
So I’m making this video to show people what it’s like and this probably won’t
be an easy video to watch, um, I talk about suicide and I basically show you
what I go through with PMDD I’m having an episode.
It’s not even… I just want to die I wish somebody would just kill me I have nothing to live for I can’t breathe It’s like 2am and I have nobody I feel so worthless. I’m about to have an anxiety attack Even if I try to talk to somebody Um um um um uhh Oh God um um I can’t, I can’t breathe I know it’s the PMDD but… I have ten more days until, um, until my
period comes. I’ve been taking a lot of CBD oil, um, I don’t know how much longer
I can survive this, uh, disorder um because what you’re seeing right now
is gonna continue for 10 more days um And it always hits late at night
um when there is nobody. I’m surprised cats still here, usually she runs away from me So my anxiety all of a sudden just
skyrocketed and I really want to get home. I don’t know why I was fine
literally 20 minutes ago and now I’m like on the edge of crazy. But I guess
I’ll take an anxiety pill because I don’t know what else to do
I just want to get home and go for a run and eat and not freak out So I’m still a couple days out before my
period. Right now I’m having all the physical symptoms, my stomach’s very
upset and I have cramps and I’m very bloated and I’ve been bloated the last
couple days so I feel like a cow but I’ve been taking the oil and
everything, but like my stomach and cramps are just like, they’re raging. They’re
coming to kill and so I’m exhausted because my body is like going into
overdrive My cramps are just like
so painful and so awful That’s why I’m laying down right now cuz
I’m just in a lot of pain. It’s like I can never win, it’s either my physical
symptoms are through the roof or my psychological symptoms are through the
roof and they’re both so bad The bad thing about the physical things is like,
I can’t do anything I just lay here because I’m in so much pain. Work is
really hard because, you know, I feel like I’m gonna pass out or that my legs are
kind of going to like give out underneath me or something and then I just don’t have the
energy, like I’m super tired right now but then like the mental issues also
make it hard to do anything because I’m too busy crying and ripping my hair out
to do anything so I just I don’t know I wish there was some cure for this.
It’s so fucking awful and I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. It’s
just so hard to live with this. People who don’t have it, there’s no way to explain it to
people who don’t have it um You literally turned into a completely
different person and your whole life just kind of stops and then you have to,
you know, act like nothing happened And go back to normal once it’s gone. The only
“cure” is like a hysterectomy and there’s been many times in my life where
like I wished there was a problem with my uterus or my ovaries. I wish that I
had some medical condition that would force them to take it out cuz it’s the
only way they’ll take it out Is if something’s really bad. I don’t know what
it’s like to live a normal life anymore because every two weeks it’s gonna come
and it’s gonna take over and destroy me I don’t know what to do I get tired of doing this. I get tired of all the medicine All the exercise and trying to buy things that make me feel better It just doesn’t work And nobody gets i, they’re just like “It’ll get better, you’ll feel better soon” No I won’t. It always comes back. It just seems like everybody else is just going through life just fine And I’m over here everyday thinking of reasons not to just end it all. Trying to find something to live for when there’ nothing I swear to God if someone else was living my life, they would have killed themselves by now I don’t know why I haven’t. It’s fucking pointless. It’s just fucking
pointless. No one gives a shit. My whole life is just a fucking joke. I don’t know
why I bother. Why was I even fucking born? Just to be fucking miserable all the
fucking time? There’s nothing to life for I’ve calmed down a little bit. My cramps
are just like awful. My cramps are absolutely murdering me and I’m wearing
a very loose outfit and yet I still feel like I’m being suffocated. On the bright
side I don’t look as bloated today I just feel like I’m dying. So like I said,
swap one symptom for the other. She’s the only thing I got My voice is kind of going because I was
just crying. I’ve been extremely suicidal this week. I had a major breakdown at
work. I just… I don’t even know why I’m upset. I am not a cute crier I’ve tried so hard to find fucking solutions for this And I can’t. Nothing works. And
I’m just expected to somehow find happiness when, you know, half of my life
I’m an agony and I’m just like praying for a bus to just like slam into me on
my way to work and just put me out of my misery once and for all. Hit me head-on,
take me out, I don’t care, I want to be gone. I don’t care if people miss me, I
really don’t. There’s no, I’m not worth missing. Come on, look at me.
There’s nothing worth missing about me I’m just stupid and ugly and a fucking idiot and I just,
I can’t do anything right. All I do is have breakdowns and cry all the fucking time.
Nobody can do anything for me and I can’t fix it myself I’m not strong
enough to handle this by myself. It tears me down every month it makes me want to
die every month and one of these days it’s probably I’m just gonna probably do
it because I can’t take it anymore And I can take all the meds and all the
supplements in the world and it comes through, it fights back. It doesn’t give a
shit about your fucking meds It doesn’t even touch it. You can give me
all the fucking meds you want and it will still come back. That’s what it does,
it comes back every month. There has not been a single time in my life where it
hasn’t come. It’s the one thing in my life I can count on Every month. Every month. Well I got my period. As you can see I’m
not crying. Oh, I have a visitor. I have a visitor. Say hi. I started my period yesterday and it’s just interesting how fast
things change I’m sorry. I of course still have the
physical symptoms of cramps and all that but the mental symptoms…don’t really. I
haven’t had an anxiety attack since my period started so I’ve just been very
tired. I’m exhausted right now, I had a really long day. I just wanted to record
this before I forgot because knowing me I’ll forget it and then the next time
I’m like “I should record something” will be like when my periods here and I’ll be
bawling my eyes out again and you guys will never see the other side because
that’s what I think so important to show is when it’s gone like it’s not like the
anxiety I feel and all that is everyday why do I look like high as a kite Is just me? I feel like I look like
I am stoned. But I’m not, I am just sleepy But yeah I just wanted to show you guys
the after, the difference between the two I keep thinking my camera’s over here but
it’s over here I’m sorry but yeah PMDD man, it’s a trip. I just really want
people to know that this isn’t something that us women
who have it are making up. It’s real and it’s life crippling. I’ve had many
thoughts of suicide. Many, many, many thoughts I think eventually I’ll just kill
myself I don’t wanna be here anymore I wanna be dead I wish I was dead I should just kill myself. There’s really no fucking point Just thinking about it makes me upset. I
don’t know how to beat this. I turn into a monster and I can’t put it into words
and I feel like people don’t quite get it when I put it into words so that’s
why I recorded myself during my worst moments so that everybody else can see
what it’s like to be me and what I go through every month um so…. Yeah, this uh, my anxiety is through the roof. Ok let’s stop you

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