Living With BIID: I Want To Cut Off My Leg


NICK O’HALLORAN: Leg – I’d like it to be amputated, that’s what I perceive to be my end goal. NICK O’HALLORAN: BIID is shortened for Body Integrity Identity Disorder and which is a
condition where the brain doesn’t recognise an aspect of the body. For me, the map stops
on the right leg, three inches from the hip. It manifests in an inch. It’ll be equivalent
of someone who is growing an extra limb. It does not belong there. DANIEL: Before he came out to me with it, I didn’t even know about BIID. It felt like
someone was coming out to me has gay or trans. You know, I could see how important it was
for him and how nervous he was. My first thoughts were, that’s unbelievable that my friend
is having to go through this. NICK O’HALLORAN: I’ve tried myself a few times by injecting medical grade alcohol into
the limb. But there was intense pain, more pain than I anticipated because you could
actually feel the alcohol drying up the muscles. There was a sense of feeling of success. You
couldn’t move it, but after eight hours, it was fine. I got put in contact with a
man who was regarded as what’s called a ‘gatekeeper’ and he knows names of surgeons
who are willing to do an amputation for a set fee and what they would do then is they
would give you documentation to say it was an accident. I paid this man in total just
shy of 20 grand. Turned out to be a massive scam. Last year I was in a very dark place
and it culminated with me trying to jump in front of a train. I think what led me to feel
was the sense of isolation and alienation. Not being able to talk to anyone, constantly
having to put on a mask. NICK O’HALLORAN: In terms of pretending, I try to do it at least once a day, if not longer. NICK O’HALLORAN: I feel a lot better and I get to see myself as I would be or should
be rather than as I am. DR ANNA SEDDA: It’s a peculiar condition known since around 1970 in which a perfectly
healthy individual with no physical damage, no psychiatric problem, quite early in childhood
starts to desire a different body. DR ANNA SEDDA: Okay, so when you’re ready,
you can start. DR ANNA SEDDA: With Nick we did some experiments on emotional processing with results what
we see is exactly a pattern and it shows that there is a different emotional processing
in relation to the representation of the body. The life risk which is associated with BIID
is really extreme and we should try to understand what can we do for these individuals. It’s
not fair to be suffering like this and to put your life at risk. NICK O’HALLORAN: Meeting Anna today was really good. She was able to re-confirm things
for me and put a name to a lot of things as well and I look forward to speaking with her
again and seeing what she comes out with in terms of treatment. If a choice came for an
amputation, I would jump at the opportunity. It’s the only way I can see the itch would stop. DANIEL: If Nick would have his leg removed by a surgeon safely, by a qualified surgeon,
I would be behind him 110%. I hope Nick’s future will be, will be where he can just
be himself. NICK O’HALLORAN: I would like to start living again, but I’d also like to work with people
with BIID and help them either cope with it or get the help it needs. And you’ve got the
people who do have it and a sense of they are not alone.

99 comments

  1. LOL wypipo really wildin out there. Cut his legs off and throw him in a dungeon. Then we will see how amazing he’s doing.

  2. BIID is a real thing it's a mental illness and these people need help but that said What they are doing is offensive to disabled people and insulting

  3. What if people with BIID donated the parts they wanted to get rid of to science or for people who need transplants where it qualifies?

  4. how about we let these people remove their limbs, and maybe we could transplant them to the people who want them? im not a doctor and idk if medically that would work but it seems like a win win on both sides that way.

  5. I’m disabled and this is highly offensive. He is asserting his privilege even more than the average person without physical disabilities by choosing to hinder his abilities that people like me wish they had. He needs his mind worked on, not his leg.

  6. That’s disrespectful to all the veterans who served and would’ve done anything humanly possible to avoid being amputees. I cannot understand this.

  7. I notice that he's wearing a hearing aid. As a hearing-impaired person who struggles every day to make sure my "special needs" do NOT become society's burden, I would be EXTRAORDINARILY offended and angry to learn that he is faking hearing loss.

  8. People come up with all kinds of labels these days that I'm sure one never heard about while in medical school just to placate individuals who are extremely diluted and mentally disturbed. When you go as far as self-mutilation or having a licensed physician helping you carry out this atrocity if that were to be the case, you can call it whatever you want. I call it insane and he should probably be locked up somewhere in a straight jacket sedated. This is just like individuals who sleep with other people with HIV unprotected/unmedicated hoping that they too will contract the virus. When someone does something like this you have to question their sanity as a whole and wonder since they are okay with harming themselves what would they do to someone else? Also doctors take an oath promising to do no harm before they practice. If said individuals enable people to self-mutilate they should lose their license and jailed…oh yeah and it doesn't bother anybody that he's using our tax dollars now for disability?

  9. I've never heard of this before. Even more I've never seen anyone act as if they dont bave their own limbs…I'm glad ges seeing someone for this disorder. But its years later. Wonder how hes doing now

  10. What? I am so confused.. is his leg already gone? .. then I read a few comments. I was like oh. No he needs help. Mental help. Nothing wrong with getting help.

  11. There’s people that have had amputations that are praying the had a leg 😒😒😒 & this guy wants to cut off a healthy limb 😒😒😒

  12. Again, unclean spirits destroying the temple of Jesus Christ. It's all spiritual, not mental disorder..there is no such thing. Christ Jesus is Lord and Savior

  13. This is stupid.. children are losing their limbs to meningococcal and here you are wanting to cut your limbs off because your brain is whacked. Piece of garbage

  14. This is exactly the same as transgenderism. People cheer when you want to cut off your penis but are grosses out when it's your leg.

  15. Society's accommodation of BIID shows it an utterly hypocritical double standard of identity genocide to continue to want dress codes + uniforms to exist + not accommodate what are called "sensory issues". To want to go without a certain part of clothes is much less drastic, should be much easier to accommodate, than to want to go without a part of actual body. To renounce trouser legs + be in shorts is less drastic than to renounce a body leg, to want bare feet is less drastic than to want no feet.

  16. Could I get feedback on my article on BIID?
    https://www.abilitymaine.org/BS2017Winter/%22The-Dilemmas-of-Body-Integrity-Identity-Disorder%22

  17. I can sort of relate, though my situation isn't quite the same.
    I've been having a strong desire to cut off my right foot ever since I developed a painful bunion on it at the age of 18. I had 2 surgeries to correct it, but it's still giving me pain, and the bunion is starting to come back just a year after surgery. The desire to remove it can get pretty intense, and I've actually resorted to beating my foot with a hammer on multiple occasions. I get a sense of pleasure and accomplishment from this behavior, even though I know it's not right.
    I want to use something to cut off the circulation next time I hammer it, and I also want to try snapping my toes. I also struggle with blunt force self harm, where I will hit myself until I leave large, swollen bruises. I feel like I need therapy, but I can't afford it.

  18. My brother lost his leg in a car accident when he was 20 and this twat's praying to have his removed 😒🙄😡

  19. I feel like it isn't ethical for physicians to help people with BID wound themselves since the disorder is not completely understood. The urge could never stop and they could end up severely harming or disabling themselves.

  20. Doesn't it hurt to have your leg bended like that for a period of time? Like your blood can't flow normally when it's like that so it must be painful.

  21. Imagine waking up one day , looking in the mirror, and thinking
    "Damn idk what this right leg is doing but I want it OFF"
    We live in such a weird time 😂

  22. Insted of jumping in front of a train, he could have just layed one of his legs on the track, thats better than paying someone to cut it off, i think maybe he should try some medication that might make him having these thoughts

  23. i think i had this when i was a little kid. i wanted to cut off my leg so i can put a wooden one so i can be a pirate

  24. My thoughts on and feelings about this condition are complex, very conflicted and ambivalent. As a transsexual woman, I find it exasperating and frustrating that BIID is compared to my condition, although such comparisons are alas inevitable. It's terribly inaccurate and wildly inappropriate to compare the two for more reasons than I can go into detail about in a YouTube comment, and based on a fundamental misunderstanding of transsexualism and, perhaps, BIID itself as well. I can briefly elaborate if anyone's genuinely curious.

    That said, despite that I feel as if I should be horrified by 'BIID', despite the way that it goes against my philosophical/religious beliefs and is anathema to my worldview and ideals for humanity, I honestly…just can't bring myself to hate these people. Or view them with visceral revulsion or even a sort of patronizing, shocked quasi-benevolent pity. I think it's simply how they're so marginalized and express struggling with incongruity and to feel authentic in a world where they "can't win"–i.e., they either feel that they aren't being true to themselves (by not being disabled how they feel they should be) and others see them as inauthentic and warped regardless of their disability status in a myriad of ways no matter what–my brain just conjures some empathy. I think my reaction to this condition and even other deviations in a similar approximate realm–even disability "devotees" who do have a fetish whether or not they also feel that they have BIID–is exactly opposite that of most people who don't just offhandedly condemn it all 100%. By which I mean that while on an "intellectual"/rational/analytical level it is upsetting, repulsive and generally registers as "unacceptable" to me, on an emotional, reflexive, out-of-hand level my response to it isn't hostility, disgust or condemnation at all but rather vague empathy, some sympathy and acutely intrigued curiosity. I'm not totally sure why, except that I myself feel very alien(ated)/marginal(ized), misunderstood and just different for reasons that go well beyond my transsexuality. For most people I've observed and imagine it's vice versa: their initial reaction is to strongly reject and vociferously condemn it, but if they really think about it in terms of prevailing modern views of bodily autonomy and morality based almost solely upon harm done to others, would struggle to find valid reasons why it's so wrong. Some genuinely physically disabled people who don't (claim to) suffer from BIID have even said as much. The clinical research on it is extremely nascent at best and there are many unknowns.

    Still, I've done a fair amount of my own research into it (aforementioned curiosity) and I have some views on it I feel fairly certain about and confident in firmly expressing. One is that, as with transsexualism, even if BIID actually is some sort of valid neurological condition resulting in a defective internal/mind body integrative/image map, there are a lot of people who identify with the concept to whatever extent for whom that probably isn't their deal. For such a niche tiny community, it's a varied and complex one. There are people for whom it really is really just/primarily sexual (just as there are people who are cis, not transsexual but fetishize cross-gender expression in themselves), people who likely do have 'BIID' (whatever the etiology turns out to be) for whom it isn't sexual in itself but manifests partially that way or is intertwined with their sexualities in various ways, people who simply have identity issues due to personality disorders and other psychological maladies, etc., etc.

    I'm not saying that this reflects on all people who feel BIID applies to them or that it inherently precludes such a condition legitimately existing as a separate issue (not attributable to other factors as mentioned above), but…there are clearly people for whom it simply isn't a mind/brain/body mismatch. There's someone in the comment section of another BIID-related video who openly admits they just want to be "disabled", with a range of disabilities appealing to them from paraplegia to blindness to deafness, and this person isn't the only one I've seen online with that approach. With such drastically different disabilities only having in common that they are all disabilities in totally different parts/systems of the body, how does that make sense as a neurological/neurodevelopmental mismatch condition? Obviously it's just a psych issue there. I also once read a blog of a guy who vigorously claimed to have blindness-associated BIID and even used a white cane etc., who later suddenly claimed it completely went away when he started identifying with the concept of "therianthropy" and feeling like he was a wolf. Yikes. It's akin to how some people claim very dubiously to be "genderfluid", some made up gender, a bunch of "genders", and so on when clearly they just have intrapersonal identity issues. Even one of the main people visible in the media raising awareness as a BIID sufferer, lady named Chloe, is also transsexual, claims to be intersex (which has been questioned and is unsubstantiated), has claimed in the past to have suffered from selective mutism and to have a handful of other physical disabilities to boot (it's technically possible for one person to have legitimately all of that at once, but for it all to apply to one woman simultaneously and someone claiming BIID, with a sketchy past, at that it frankly raises red flags and beggars belief). Sorry BIID people, but these folks aren't exactly helping your case. Point is, even if BIID is a legit non-psychological condition in itself, there are going to be those who think and/or say they have it who don't. So I'd caution the medical community and anyone else from at some future stage, if consensus tilts toward its legitimacy and distinctness, sweepingly assuming validity and treating it the way being transsexual/"transgender" is treated now.

    Additionally, again assuming it is what people who claim to have BIID say/think it is, the hyper-libertarian autonomy/self-modification ethos so in vogue aside, I don't think it should ever be medically treated the way transsexualism currently is and should be (as again, they are fundamentally essentially different) I have sincere sympathy for sufferers of BIID in the meantime and hope that an effective cure for the brain-body map mismatch can be found on the brain side if that's what it is, but acting on it medically by physically permanently modifying the body to match what the BIID sufferer thinks/feels it should be would be inherently unethical in the vast majority of cases as it does objective harm and intentionally disabling somebody runs contrary to the very core principles/premises of medicine. I do understand the various arguments in favor of such an approach and that some might think me hypocritical, but I think relativizing this, the basis of all medical treatment, too much is perilous and that that wouldn't be the best treatment for BIID individually/short-term or overall/in the long run. There might be some basis for empathy between the two conditions as I feel and some tangential parallels that may be drawn, but at the crux, regardless of the etiology behind BIID, it and transsexualism are not the same thing, and BIID raises far more medical- and socio-ethical quandaries. PhysIcal disability is not an intrinsic and fully-pervasive aspect of one's identity/being/essence as gender is. Physical disability in itself is a defect in all circumstances, but being a woman or a man is not (even if one's karyotype and genitals at birth don't reflect that–in that case, that part is the defect, but the gender one's brain tells one that one truly is is not itself defective/pathological).

  25. This is sad. People with BIID need help, but I don’t know if that help should be amputation. There really needs to be more research on this topic, no one should have to suffer like this.

  26. The guy is an idiot. There is nothing the matter with his leg. Maybe he needs to pay somebody to cut his head off instead.

  27. Just disrespect your god given form. Sure. As long as there's an acronym and a group to pat your back. You need a goddam holiday in Cambodia.

  28. Genuinely not trying to be funny, but I was trying to find more about the disorder before realising its not classified in the dsm-5? It's only studied, does that mean it's not a disorder?

  29. Exactly the same as gender dysphoria (transgender) a distorted, delusional, disconnect, between mind and body. Sad and tragic.

  30. There’s a marine that lost his leg to an ied …. or a woman that lost her leg in (not her fault) car accident watching this and very much wanting to karate chop you in the throat

  31. Why r people being assholes in the comments. A man wanting to cut off his legs thinking that's the only option he have to feel better sounds maybe like a joke but he obviously have a serious mental illness. He needs help, not people making fun of him for something he can't control

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