Life After losing my son to Suicide | Vlog 51 | Transitions


Hello, this is Rachel with life after This is a vlog talking about what it’s like to lose my son Isaiah to depression and Also what it’s like to deal with mental health issues myself Before and after losing my son if you haven’t already done So we welcome you to subscribe to our Channel. It means a lot to us It helps break the stigma that we can’t talk about mental health it helps us get Isaiah’s name and our message across to more people and it helps encourage me to keep doing these videos and talk about mental health and Lets me know that it’s okay. So thank you for that I’m kind of in a manic state right now. And for what what that means is I’m just really Wound I’m just really full of anxiety. I can’t get my thoughts to rest. It’s like a Hundred squirrels in this tree and only one nut and they’re all fighting over it. So yeah, that’s my analogy I’m just I’m alone and I’m alone right now. There’s a transition in the Moorefield house Excuse me. The girls went to school so they went to school this week It’s been very challenging. So there’s no girls in the house and Steve has like I said tried to go back to work and That leaves me home alone or at a coffee shop or driving around and Regardless it can leave me alone in my thoughts and that can be a very dangerous place for me to be sometimes So yeah, and you know, it’s it’s good. It’s good. The girls need school. They need routine I need to go to the bathroom alone. That’s a big bonus for me. You know, we need income so Steve going to work is good and probably some separation between us as much as Fluckin hurts is good Fluck that’s a new one. I kind of like it. Um, so yeah it Yeah, and don’t get me wrong I’ve had two coffee dates in the four days that the girls were have been at school So I’ve been keeping myself busy and I’ve been diving into the foundation work and I know I keep saying it I’m going to talk about the foundation more videos are coming Here, I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what just so you know, the the foundation is real it is It is about art. There’s going to be an art contest there’s also going to be art for sale some of Isaiah’s artwork and some of his friends that contributed to the semi-colon Event that we had the gallery with Isaiah’s artwork for so that kind of gives you an idea of where we’re at But there’s just so much I have to put into it and other than Manny , Annie Manny I’m kind of doing a lot of it alone. I have a new member on board Kim which has been great, which is um, Isaiah’s good friend Street, his mom and so she’s been helping me there and so it’s it’s been good. There’s been good things But it’s also been a struggle as well. Like I said I recognize that This isn’t this is from my friend *Julie O. She actually bought one of these at from Ramona who we have this thing in town called like the art crawl It’s like an art crawl and it was a lemonade art crawl and Ramona had a few of these out as a pre thing Before they were all finished and my friend unknowingly bought one of these because it reminded her of me and and the mental health and everything without knowing that it was a Collaboration until she was walking out the door and saw the information sheet. And so it was just real special so very Excited to have this means a lot anyways Excuse me, I find myself. So this is probably gonna sound weird to you guys, but as much as I talk about mental health and I talk about Isaiah and I talk about um What happened to us? If I actually really talk about Isaiah like And they know a lot of you guys have passed and I want to talk about him so bad but when I really actually talk about him and think about him being gon.. When I talk about him in a different sense of just like I lost him this is what happened going through just the story when I actually talked about Isaiah and the things that I loved about him and the things that made me smile and In the fact that he’s actually gone It’s just it’s really hard and being alone lately it It’s just really hard I’ve been just trying to focus on the foundation stuff and try to be a good love for the girls in a supportive wife for Steve going back to work and then keeping my self focused on the foundation and on YouTube and just do it everything right it just tried to do as much as I possibly can and My mind just keeps going back to Isaiah and how much I miss him because my mind is not allowing me to distract itself I’m not strong enough. Apparently, I don’t know And I can see it happening and I don’t want it to happen I can’t have another setback. I didn’t leave this house for like two months this winter, two months So, yeah just a little terrified of myself right now and not in self-harm, I’m being honest Just I’m afraid of losing myself again I Just misses Isaiah so terribly bad. So terribly bad And as I do this work I just want to tell Isaiah how proud I want him to be proud and I want to tell him what I’m doing for him And I want to ask his opinion on things. I Want to ask him his opinion. I wanted I want to know what he would want and what he would do and I can’t So I find myself just going In circles in my head, just wondering if I’m doing the right thing is this is the way he liked it Am I doing his name justice I always wonder Am I being judged or am I just judging myself? Am I that paranoid? Yes, sorry Each transition is so hard Then I’ve had a lot of good days, I’ve had a lot of good days and I’ve been had a lot of beautiful things and blessings happen and you know a Lot of people to thank, you know, we’re climbing out of that hole. I just want to be Continuing to stay strong and I feel myself getting weak and it just scares me because I need to stay strong. I can’t afford I can’t go back I just want to be moderately happy I think some of you get that right? And I know it’s achievable, I know I’m gonna miss Isaiah all the time I know that I’m gonna have this hole and this ache and this pain every day But a different kind of happiness can and does exist and I ant it so bad. I want it so bad I’m tired of hurt like this So, yeah, I’m just really hoping that maybe when I get through this hump of foundation work And I can see hopefully good things come from it I’m hoping that then it will finally be enough That maybe I can , let myself just relax a little bit. I don’t know what I’m trying to prove to him But I analyze myself a lot and I’m like well I’ve It’s just a lot of different factors, I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t analyze myself maybe that’s what’s making me go crazy, right? I just need to remain somewhat moderately confident in my abilities and in myself And know that what I’m doing I’m doing for the right reasons No, not everybody’s going to like me Not everybody is going to like or understand what I do or why I’m doing it But As long as I believe that it’s important and my husband and children stand behind me and That should be what matters And they’re not the only ones that believe in me so I think I’m okay Thank you guys for being part of my support system Glad I could work this stuff out with you guys. I just wanted to let you guys know where I’m at with things and this after All right if you can please be the light for others and if you can’t Please just keep your pilot light going for yourself. You do have Worth you do matter Sometimes it’s just hard for us to see it for ourselves and I am very guilty of that Peace love and kindness so so important. All right. Thank you

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