Let’s Talk About Dysphoria | My Experience | MTF Transition

Hi, I’m Catherine and welcome back to my channel!
So today I am going to be talking about dysphoria and just about how dysphoria has really been
present in my life, even before I was aware of being transgender. Now, before I began transitioning, I really
didn’t know what dysphoria was. And it was kind of the word I really latched onto when
I was trying to figure our whether or not I was transgender. Dysphoria is just a sense
of not being right within your own body and not feeling secure in who you are because
of that feeling. Dysphoria is a big reason for transition,
it’s a big part of it because it’s just that overall sense of wrongness with your body.
It is something that really drives people more to transition and I know I experienced
dysphoria in a lot of different ways before I knew what it was. It really impacted my
life in a lot of different ways. As far back as I can remember I remember not
feeling very comfortable in my body. And I always remember having this feeling of not
enjoying being male. When I was feeling dysphoric I just remember feeling that I wasn’t happy
with my body. I didn’t like the genitals that I had, I didn’t like the way that my body
developed. I didn’t like growing up knowing that I was ultimately going to become a man. That was a big problem with me because Aladdin
was one of my favorite movies as a kid. I watched it all the time. But I remember it
always had that thought in my head of, “oh! If I do find a genie, what are my wishes going
to be?” It always changed, my three wishes were always different. Except for one that
was always in there, and it was always, “well, I wish I could relive my life as a girl, and
then see which one I prefer.” And then make my choice at whatever point in life I was
up to at that time. The desire for the wish was always there and
I would always end up changing the wording later on in life from being able to make my
decision later on in life to, just, I wish I was a girl. That really stuck with me my
entire life. Another thing when I was a kid, my dad always
used to tell me, “oh drink your orange juice,” or “drink your milk.” He called it cow’s juice.
Ugh! As if you could make it any less appealing. But, he always told me to drink my orange
juice and to drink my milk because it would put hair on my chest. I so did not want hair
on my chest. I have a huge aversion to this day for both
milk and orange juice because I always associated that with becoming more manly and becoming
older and growing chest hair. Which I NEVER wanted! The day that I started growing chest
hair, facial hair, just body hair in general, I basically felt like my life was over. Like,
I was just ready to give up then and there. It was never something I was happy with. So when you get to that age where you start
hitting puberty and you start noticing the people that you’re attracted to, it really
ended up getting a lot more confusing. Because not only was I attracted to women, but I also
found myself wanting to be a woman. I was having a really hard time distinguishing what
I was attracted to and the things that I would have wanted for my own personal style. After I hit puberty, I was having a hard time
understanding the difference between feeling that dysphoria over the things that I was
seeing, the things that I wanted for myself, and trying to figure out if it was attraction
or not. I tried so hard to fit into that mold of being a teenage boy. I tried to make myself
fit into it so much but it just never really fit. A lot of the time I would mistake my dysphoria
for feelings of arousal, feelings of attraction for someone, when really what I was feeling
was that envy for what they were wearing. It was a longing to have that thing that they
did, that I didn’t. It was really hard trying to figure it out, because they feel so closely
linked. It’s like they’re almost two sides of the same coin in some weird way. But while
feelings of attraction are generally associated with more feelings of giddiness, of a joyous
feeling. I also felt more of an envy. As I got older, it got harder for me to distinguish
the two, because not only would I see people in fashions that I also envied, also wanted,
but I also found them to be attractive. What grew to be more confusing was when I found
people in no way attractive, but I was still finding myself drawn back to them for the
things they were wearing, their clothes. It wasn’t just a sexual thing, it was more, “oh.
They’re wearing these things that I find appealing and I want those clothes. but I’m not sexually
attracted them.” And that was the area where it really started confusing me. I remember I would just have the thought of,
“ugh I’m horny again? Why?” But since I’ve recognized that I am transgender,
I have started to feel dysphoria more intensely. It’s almost as if now that I know it for what
it is, it’s allowed me to feel it more accurately. In feeling it more accurately, I’ve also felt
more of that painful longing for my true gender. Now that I’ve realized that I’m transgender,
it makes it so much harder because I feel the dysphoria more strongly. It is very noticeable
for what it is now. I can’t just switch it off in the same way I might have before because
before I could ignore it. But now, knowing the causes, knowing why I’m feeling that thing
makes me more aware of the things I don’t have that are causing it. And that’s the hardest
thing about having dysphoria now. And now that spring is here, dysphoria is
back and on in it’s full strength. Because the fashions that I’ve always admired and
loved the most just because of the colors and beauty that goes with them were spring
fashions. It would just make me feel so much better to have a cute spring outfit to wear.
It’s mostly because I’m not comfortable with my body at this point. I’m very aware of the width of my shoulders,
they just feel so broad. My body just feels so wide right now. I just don’t feel like
the clothes would fit me right. Spring has probably been the worst time for me because
I just do not feel comfortable enough to wear the things I would like to. And a huge part
of my dysphoria is just tied to being able to wear what I want to. If I were able to
go out in the things that I wanted to, I would still feel better because I would be able
to be more at home in the clothes I’m in. And that’s all I’m really looking for right
now. But, until I begin HRT, that is just going
to be something that I’m going to have to learn to live with. Until I really begin HRT
I don’t feel like my body is going to change enough in the ways that I want it to. Tomorrow
I have an appointment to go see my primary care doctor to get that referral, and hopefully
I’ll be able to get in with a specialist in a couple of weeks, and I’ll at least get my
blood work going. I’m going to have to figure out some other
way for storing sperm because I just filed my taxes and found out I’m only getting about
sixty dollars back between my federal and my state taxes. So, that sucks. I expected
I would be getting at least a couple of hundred back, and that would have gone a long way
toward paying for sperm storage. But, now I feel like it’s going to be put off indefinitely
because as is, I’m living paycheck to paycheck and don’t have a lot I can set aside. That
is just stressing me out quite a bit. But hopefully things go well with the doctor
tomorrow and I can get my blood work figured out and get myself on the road to HRT. Even
if storing sperm is off for quite a bit. Obviously dysphoria is experienced by different
people in different ways and some people don’t feel dysphoria. I wouldn’t necessarily say
they’re lucky for feeling that because a lot of people feel that, that really invalidates
their transition and makes it that much harder for them to go forward because they feel like
they aren’t valid enough in their own gender identity. Dysphoria or not, it’s important to know that
no matter what, you are valid and that really is important to remember. Who you are isn’t
determined by anyone but you, and you are going to be the one to decide who you are. But, I just want to thank you all for watching
and if you would like to keep continuing on with me and follow my transition just like
the video, subscribe, and I will see you all really soon! Bye bye!

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