I AM NOT A #HOTTRANSGUY // 2 Years Post Double Incision Top Surgery

Hi, my name is Jackson Bird and I am two years
post-top surgery. “Why’s he have his shirt on then? Isn’t that the point of these videos? His shirt should be off!” Ain’t happenin’! Here’s why. (intro music) Just a head’s up: this video IS gonna be talking a lot about body image and my own body image
issues and dysphoria and all kinds of things like that. So proceed with caution. So on January 6th, 2016 I had double incision
top surgery with Dr. Kathy Rumer in Pennsylvania. You can watch some of my previous videos about
like my pre-top surgery thoughts and my recovery, and my one year post-top video in the playlist
over here. Now, I don’t do too many top surgery updates
on my youtube channel because, well I mean I don’t post that many updates on my physical
transition at all on YouTube. And part of that is because two years post
top surgery and almost three years on T, like there’s not that much to say anymore. My facial hair still won’t grow past my chin. I think I found another chest hair. My scars are about the same color they were
a year ago. Eh, they’ve faded a little bit. But yeah, that’s about the extent of it. It’s not as exciting as the first couple of
months. But the other reason I don’t post that many
top surgery updates is because… I don’t feel great about how I look with
my shirt off. Not because of my surgery results. Dr. Rumer does beautiful work. And I mean, I’m relatively comfortable have
my shirt off amongst friends or at the beach. But I definitely don’t feel comfortable
enough about my body to be posting lots of videos and instagram pics without a shirt
on. And a lot of the insecurities that I feel
about my torso are the same ones that most guys feel. Y’know, I wish I had more muscles and less
freckles and less of a gut. And at least two out of three of those I could
be doing something about, which I do sometimes but also cookies are delicious and I emcee
at a bar two nights a week so being a totally healthy gym rat is never going to be exactly
who I am. And for the most part I’m okay with that. In fact, in some ways it makes me feel like
a normal guy to have natural insecurities about my body and to not be totally devoted
to my diet and appearance. But where it stops being a normal thing is
about… eh, right down here. My hips. My hips have not slimmed down since I started
testosterone like they do for a lot of people. In fact, at least the last time I measured,
they got bigger. Because I just got bigger. All over. I weigh thirty-five more pounds than I did
when I started testosterone. And that’s not all like muscle gain from
testosterone. Some of it is getting older and having a slower
metabolism. Some of it’s being happier with myself and
having a little bit more money so I’m eating regularly. And y’know it’s pretty healthy and normal
for me to have gained this weight. And while a lot of people do get slimmer hips
from T, not everyone does. And I’m one of those not everyone’s. I am completely dysphoric and self-conscious
about my hips whether I have a shirt on or off. And even when I don’t have a shirt on, I
still sometimes feel like my hips are making me not pass EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE A SHIRT
ON. And y’know this isn’t something I like talking
about online. I would much rather make this a normal top
surgery update video with my shirt off and my camera carefully set up to just show the
top part of my chest, angled from slightly from above to make me look thinner – making
sure to never show my hips in the shot. But I think it’s important to talk about
this because of the other reason that I hesitate to ever post shirtless pictures of myself
and that’s this: That is what I see all the time. That is what me and every other trans masculine
person has to compare ourselves to, that we internalize. What we dream testosterone and just a little
bit more self-discipline could do for us. Or what we think we’re supposed to want
in order to be trans enough. And that’s true for some people, but for
so many of us – for so many more of us that the internet would lead you to believe – it’s
not true. Not everyone thinks that way. Not everyone looks that way. Not everyone wants to look that way. And T affects everyone differently. Everyone has different genetics that come
into play. You can’t expect that you’re going to
look like all those guys with slim hips and six packs – even if you do put in the work
and take testosterone. Sometimes even all of that can’t combat
the simple genetics that you inherited. For example, could I work out more and eat
better? Absolutely. And I’m working’ on it. But I can feel these hip bones. I know that even if I worked out super hard
and ate well and loss every trace of fat on my hips – which by the way wouldn’t necessarily
be super healthy in my case–, my hips would still stick out because it’s just my bone
structure. I can’t lose my bones. There is nothing I can do about that. Physically anyways. What I can do is work to feel better about
myself and loving my body for what it is. And I know that is a tall order for people
with dysphoria. I am not saying don’t take steps to change
your body in the ways that you can and need to. And also I don’t want anyone thinking I’m
faulting all of the trans guys with super fit bodies who post shirtless pictures all
of the time. One, they’re hot. Keep it coming. But two, I know that so many of them suffer
from insecurities just like the rest of us and pushing themselves so intensely physically
is their method of coping. I am positive that so many of them still look
in the mirror and still see, “not good enough.” “Not masculine enough.” Just like how I’m sure there are some of you
looking at me and thinking, how the heck could he ever feel bad about his body? But I do! We all have individual relationships, both
good and bad, with our bodies and with our dysphoria. Some people alleviate their dysphoria by pumping
up their serotonin levels at the gym and working towards their ideal body. I alleviate it by sitting on my ass at a computer
and making videos about it. We all have our different methods. And I’m not trying to put anyone down for
how they deal with dysphoria or how they do or don’t feel about their own body. What I am trying to do is point out that even
binary trans guys all look different. We have different body types. We have different relationships to our bodies. We have different ideas of what the perfect
masculine body type looks like and if we should even strive for that. And I would just love to see that represented
more. I want to see more trans bodies of all shapes
and sizes. Not to mention more body love and positivity
represented by trans people of color and trans people with disabilities and trans people
who don’t physically transition. I see a lot of those people because I seek
them out, but let’s work to raise those people up to the mainstream and make sure
that we aren’t injecting any more toxic masculinity into the trans masculine experience
than is already there. Let’s work to make sure that trans masculine
people early on in their transitions or struggling with dysphoria at any point have examples
of more than just one often impractical ideal. Let’s help each other see the unique, diverse,
and realistic expectations of what transition can do and how all our bodies are beautiful
and hot and masculine. So here are three ways that I propose we start
combatting the toxic masculinity in the trans masculine community – and for that matter,
all forms of body shame and misogyny and homogeneity in trans feminine and nonbinary and agender
spaces First, Ryan Cassata started a hashtag and
group a while back called #alltransbodies which endeavors to shine a light on this exact
issue. So let’s fill up that hashtag with selfies
or pictures of trans people we admire – that we get their permission from unless they’re
like a public figure. Let’s reactivate that tag and show everyone
how beautiful all of our different types of bodies are. Second: down in the comments, I want to hear
one thing that you love about your body. It can be big or small or intangible. Even if you’re not feeling great about your
body in any way, I challenge you to think of just one thing. And finally, if you are trans, remember that
your experience with transition and your body unique to you and don’t need to be held
up to anyone else’s standard. Having goals and working towards achieving
a certain look is totally cool. Being proud of your body, no matter what it
looks like, is awesome. Being uncomfortable with your body at times
is also totally fine. But shaming other people for their bodies
or their relationship to their bodies, whether explicitly or implicitly is not cool. It is hard enough work to love yourself as
a trans person so how about we spend a little less time spreading judgment and a little
more time spreading that love? I know I tackled a lot of big things and danced
around some very sensitive issues here so hopefully you all understood where I was coming
from. I hope that some of you appreciated this and
got some help from it. Before I go, I want to spread the love real
quick about my friend Oliver, who you may remember from some videos we made together
about Fantastic Beasts bac in the day. They are getting top surgery soon! Unfortunately, their employer, like so many
in the United States, is not covering any trans-related healthcare so they are paying
for this surgery out of pocket. So if you want to help out my awesome, talented,
beautiful friend, I will put a link to their GoFundMe down in the description box. Despite everything I just said about my dysphoria
and insecurities, it all got so much better after I had top surgery. It really is a life-changing experience for
so many people and I want to help my friend Oliver get there, just like I hope everyone
else who wants top surgery can get there one day. One step at a time! And as always, you can follow me on social
media at jackisnotabird. And if you liked this video, please do subscribe
and smash that notification bell so you always know when there’s a new video. ‘Cause usually it’s Wednesdays, but like not
always. Alright, that is it for now. Thank you so much for watching and I will
see you next time! (endscreen music)

One comment

  1. If any transgender man or female concerned with scars from top, partial, or full bottom surgery, you might want to check out Neosporin Multi-Action Ointment. This version of this ointment has scar reducing medicine in it.

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