Dysphoria feels and other crap!


Hey guys, whats up? Kiaya here um, so i just kinda want to make a video becuase i want to talk about some things that I feel, some things that have been going on you know, some dysphoria, for those of you that don’t know, dysphoria is just, I don’t know, it’s just how I look in the mirror and the body I’m in doesn’t belong to me. and that’s really, really disheartening and really uncomfortable. You know, I’ve been experiencing a lot of that surrounding my chest and um you know the longer I’m on T the more um masculine I feel, the deeper my voice is getting, I feel like my face is starting to look a little bit more masculine. um but then there is my chest. And it really messes with me a lot. Umm I know a lot of guys out there that struggle with all sorts of dysphoria, for me it’s my, my chest, um as far as bottom dysphoria I don’t really have much, um I’m kinda pretty content with everything that’s going on down there. + You know, Um it’s really hard though because it makes me not want to leave the house because I don’t…….*sigh* it’s, it’s difficult becuase there is dealing with dysphoria and then … excuse me… you know leaving the house, meeting new people is difficult because you know it’s just a really uncomfortable situation, I just want to be seen as me, as who I am you know? and, and referred to as male because that’s who I am but then I have a chest that’s huge and it gets in my way you know? So, I just kinda want to talk about that because it’s not all just like, yeah it’s this big exciting adventure like, no dude, like it sucks, it, it sucks and there’s times when I would just rather curl up in a ball and stay inside, stay in my house because at least then I wont have to meet new people there wont be the question, there wont be, you know. and uh, So, it’s really frustrating to me like transitioning is great and wonderful and uh, it’s exciting and it’s also terrible because it’s this really, puberty is awkward no matter when you go through it, no matter how you go through it like it’s awkward as f#@K regaurdless. you know, um.. and, and that’s that exactly what’s happening right now is I’m going through puberty again and uh, it’s awkward you know, and uh, So, yeah, I mean I just wanted to make this video because I feel it’s important to talk about the things that are bothering me too the things that you know, that we go through every day like um, another thing that bothers me man its just. *sigh* I, I, I think for me at this moment I’m having a hard time accepting that like this is the reality for me. That like, I am transgender and it’s impossible for me to just, you know. Meet another transgender person and we could switch roles. You know like, I’ll ha. you can have my boob infested body and I’ll take your testosterone filled manlyness. you know but that’s not the way that it works. So, there is coming to terms with that, and accepting that. Um accepting that there’s people out there that don’t understand and they never will and for me that’s ok as long as they leave me alone. You know, just let me do me. Let me do what I need to do to finally be set free. You know, um, So, yeah this is just like a little rant. Just thought I might get some emotion out there. um, I am human. ha ha . You know, and I, I the reason that I’m doing this is because YouTube has helped me a lot. You know, YouTube has, giving me hope, YouTube actually is the reason why I realized I am transgender and that um, it’s an actual thing like, I knew of like women. you know uh, male to female transgenders like, I knew of that like and that’s more common and I think it’s becuase it’s , it’s. I honestly think for male to female transgenders it’s a little harder. um. even from childhood. For me, it was like. oh you’re just a tomboy , you’re just a tomboy like, it’s ok that you’re, you know. you scream and cry if we try to put you in a dress and um, you know you try to pee standing up, it’s ok you’re just a tomboy. you know? and then , then I came out as a Lesbian and honestly that’s, rather socially acceptable too, depending on thee social environment. of course but um, it’s more socially acceptable than being a gay man is. You know? And it’s unfortunate that that’s the society that we live in but that is the case and you know I think it’s a lot harder for male to female transgenders because they, there’s not a point, I mean for some there’s, they pass perfectly 100% of the time and others. There jaw is too prominent or they can’t afford to have the hair removal done. You know stuff like that, and it’s just really *sigh* I don’t know it’s really frustrating. I forgot, I lost my train of thought and just went off on a tangent which is normal for me so, you’re welcome. um but the reason why I do this though is. Oh yeah!!!! so the reason why I started talking about male to female transgenders in the first place is because I knew that existed but I wasn’t, I guess I never really thought that transitioning for me was ever going to be an option so I didn’t pay too much attention to it? until I saw a video on Facebook of this persons transition over a period of a year from female to male and it clicked for me. and I was like. ohhh….that makes sense. You know, and another thing that I wanted to talk about real quick was you know, something that bothers me a little bit too, is when people assume that like, it’s a choice. like, why would I choose to make my life more difficult? That’s, I mean that’s the harsh reality is that it does make my life more difficult I have to [email protected]#$king shoot myself in the leg uh, constantly to get the, to get the right hormones in my body like, you know? um, I’ll have to go through surgery just to feel comfortable in my own skin as far as my top is concerned So it’s, it’s not. For me I was, I don’t have a choice I mean. let me get that, let me get this straight so. Being transgender is not a choice, transitioning however, is a choice. But the choice to me is life or death it’s, I can stay the same and continue to be completely miserable, or I can make the transition in hopes that I’ll finally be set free. You know, so that’s the goal here and the goal by making these YouTube videos is to help others like myself who are, you know? Are in that same position of like I’m [email protected]#$king different I don’t fit in anywhere and I don’t know why. And uh,,, ha you know, and I don’t know. I also want to stress how important therapy is. For me I’ve been going, seeing a gender therapist which has helpped a lot um… so, yeah. but Anyway that was my rant slash just trying to get everything out there you know. And trying to keep updated here. So, any questions just let me know, feel free to subscribe and share away uh, but thanks for watching!

5 comments

  1. This is probably one of the most open and real videos about transitioning that I have seen. Being that I have just accepted myself and I just came out to my family, I am already starting to feel the pangs of dysphoria. Especially with my chest. It was easier to ignore when I wasn't allowing myself to admit who I was. But the more real this is, my journey of becoming this man I know I am, the harder it is to face myself. I thought I was alone in that. And I had an inclination that T wasn't going to make it better (with my chest). It just good to know it's not unusual.
    You are a strong person. It takes mad guts to get on you tube and be so open about something so personal. Thank you for sharing.

  2. You sir, are one courageous man. I love you for you being able to share all of the scary feelings 💞💓 I miss you already!! Call soon! We need to talk. (:
    lol love the trailing off 😊

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