DYSPHORIA (and what it feels like) | FTM TRANSGENDER


It actually feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest. It’s kind of bad. Hi, there. My name is Kovu Kingsrod and today I’m going to talk about a topic that is rather kind of sad.. em.. but I’m gonna try and make this video as informative as possible and not too like.. dark. So in this video I am going to talk about dysphoria.. And basically what I want is.. I want to explain to you what dysphoria is, so that maybe you can get a further understanding of what it’s like to be transgender or maybe you will sort of understand that “oh, shoot I have dysphoria because I can relate to what he’s saying”. Or just to share with you some of my experiences And how I feel about it, and hopefully it will be kind of interesting. It’s also going to be a way for me to Rant a little bit.. Because i’ve got a lot of things bottled up, so hope you don’t mind that. So first off: what is dysphoria? Em..Dysphoria is basically a very strong sense of something not being right.. And it can cause you to feel extreme discomfort or even pain. Like, emotional and physical pain. Dysphoria related to gender called gender dysphoria is something that transgender people experience And it’s that really bad feeling they get because..em.. their mind and their, em, What’s in their pants does not align or at least that’s one way to put it so it’s Somehow you know.. eh.. you are born in the wrong body Some people don’t really like using the term “born the wrong body” and they feel like their body reflects Whatever gender is in the brain..and like If you identify as a boy, you have a male body no matter what your body looks like But it’s just..- I’m just using that term right now to sort of explain to you what it is. So for example I..I am female to male transgender which means that I am a boy, but I was assigned female at birth so I’m transitioning from female to male and I can say that I feel dysphoric About certain parts on my body which is sort of what indicates I am trans. and I feel dysphoric about parts of my body that are, em, very feminine.. or like that indicates that I am biologically female like for example my chest, my hips, my genitals, my kind of round face..em.. my voice and Everything else that can sort of remind me that I am trans There’s also another form of dysphoria that doesn’t really relate to your body But that relates to, for example, like social situations like for example since I’m boy if someone called me a girl..eh.. The terrible sense of discomfort or pain I would then experience.. it’s also called dysphoria, so I think that’s like body dysphoria and gender Dysphoria or body dysphoria I don’t even know, but there are like different kinds of dysphoria So my case parts of me or things that happen that remind me of my biological sex makes me feel dysphoric I think that’s one way to put it.. quite like.. simply.. yeah, so over to what dysphoria feels like.. I think it really depends on the person Because some people have really bad dysphoria, and other people don’t have as bad dysphoria.. it really varies from person to person at first people might experience it differently or differently on different days So basically I think I’m gonna explain it a bit like.. [dog cries] Doffen? Doffen, hi, hi, hi, hi. Can’t even see you *tries to comfort crying dog* *smack* I think my mom just came home.. I need to change locations. I’ll be right back All right, hi. I’m back. I was sitting in my living room. So when my mom came home like Yeah, anyway. Is this even focusing? So..basically.. dysphoria is kind of always there.. It’s there when I wake up in the morning And getting dressed and I put on my chest binder, because I use this Vest thing called a chest binder that binds my chest, and flattens out my chest So it’s there when I get dressed It’s there when I undress it’s there when I.. Like every time I open my mouth to speak and I have my own voice and it’s there when someone accidentally slips up and uses the wrong pronouns.. now I Don’t freak out about every single little thing that happens But, I bottle it up so once a month or so, I go through this period of a few days where I’m kind of unable to function or inable to function, and I have lot of breakdowns, and that’s how I deal with Dysphoria no but It’s extremely exhausting and it’s extremely draining and there’s… Sort of nothing you can do..it feels like..you are trapped. because Yeah, it’s like I’m trapped in a body that is not mine, and It’s very hard to sort of do something about it, like it’s not like you can cry and then get over it and just like move on because it’s always there And it doesn’t go away. It’s like something deep deep down in your soul, and you can’t really get rid of it, and it’s very hard to function it’s very hard to Do anything to make you feel better because it’s just there and it weighs you down and it sucks like every little thing that could even remind you of confidence out of you.. because you have zero confidence in yourself because [signs] You don’t see a reason to you.. at least that’s how I experience it..and I just feel so.. abnormal and strange and gross and disgusting and I’m so ashamed and embarrassed over my body and over who I am and it’s very hard and It’s very painful because something is wrong with you, and you just Want to shed off your skin and it can make you not want to get out of bed And it can make you very scared in social situations And when you get to know new people because you don’t know how they will see you Because you’re always afraid like..ah, what if like.. they can see this female thing about me, a feminine thing about me And then they will understand and they will Not see me as a guy..because I get that a lot.. I get.. I get that along my videos like “oh at first I thought you were a real guy” and like “I thought you were normal” and that really really hurts.. Because, I don’t think I’m normal. I think I’m kind of strange, but at least with the.. I dunno..it just sucks. So yeah, it’s just it’s really weighing me down and I’ve been having a lot of breakdowns recently Because of it, and I don’t really want to leave my room and I like..turn off all the lights in my room..because I don’t want..light.. to like hit me like I don’t want to be seen It’s actually quite weird.. and just… It makes me feel like I’m not good enough..it doesn’t feel like I can ever be happy.. With my body like this. but I I dunno, it just sucks because like.. Transitioning yourself is so far away. And I see all these people at like 15, 16 Starting on testosterone or getting top surgery or whatever and I’m just here like Yeah, I’ve got to wait.. probably like two or three years before I can like even maybe have a chance of starting testosterone Or something.. so it just, I dunno, it sucks..it feels like I’m losing a lot of my teenage years because There are certain things I cannot do.. like..I know that like Taking off your shirt at the beach isn’t like the biggest thing in the whole entire universe But it’s just.. it’s that sense of freedom You know? Like imagine doing that and like just being a teenager at the beach just taking off your shirt.. like.. normal things like that and just having confidence when it comes to relationships because I feel like Since I don’t have the right parts then I’m not good enough for any person at all and like it’s just… I just wanna be normal.. It’s not a great feeling. I feel like I’m always placed on this… box This different like separate box from everyone else. And I know people mean well by.. Things like these..but it’s like “ah, you’re one of the cutest TRANS guys I’ve ever seen” or like “you’re my favorite TRANS youtuber”.. and it’s like ah yeah, you’re not a girl, and I respect that, but you’re not quite a guy either so I’m just going to put you in this box that says trans.. because like It’s just a situation. I am not TRANS. I’m not a TRANS I’m not a transgender..my situation is called being transgender because I happen to AAGH like Do you see.. do you see the pain? Can you.. can you feel it? Can you feel it like, radiating through your screen or something..? because it’s really painful. I swear to God [Sigh of pain] This wasn’t going to be a sad video.. I was going to try and make it informative.. It just sucks.. it just really really really really really really really sucks anyway I’m going to go now because this is a sad video. But hopefully it made you realize a bit what it’s like to experience dysphoria.. Maybe you have dysphoria.. if you do then I’m sorry.. because it’s not fun.. I’m really scared of putting out videos like this but like.. Heh. Because I get it a lot that I’m like “I’m so positive and I’m so happy and I want to be a confident as you!” but like ..it’s Great that you wanna try and work towards like being confident But if you want to try and get as confident as me then you’re sinking to a very.. VERY Low level like that’s not good. Yeah, it’s just..I don’t really like Saying that i’m sad and I don’t really like talking about how I feel on the internet when I do feel really terrible.. and I think that’s okay. I feel like people think that like.. people on YouTube or people on the internet are obligated to tell everyone if they feel like crap or like if they feel suicidal but it’s completely okay for people on YouTube and other social media not to do that.. like people with an audience, like.. Yeah, but just keep that in mind before you tell anyone that their life is perfect because I’ve gotten that, and I’m just like: I’m not going to go on about that. But yeah! Thanks so much for watching if you liked this video give it a thumbs up, if it didn’t like too much give it thumbs down. It’s cool, It’s fine. No hard feelings. I just want your honest opinions promise-wait..shoot. No that’s the PROMISE Leave a comment if you want to and subscribe to see more of my awkward little face.. and maybe share this video if you feel like some people might enjoy watching it, and Might enjoy watching me document my misery Stay safe and eat, drink and do not hurt yourselves.. and remember That you’re worth so much more than you could ever realize, seriously, and take care of yourselves alright? You’re valid and you deserve love, life, and happiness, and all things good. All right, I’ll see you in my next video. Bye Eh.. what are you filming? Probably just like what is dysphoria..or somethin’.. because.. What? Don’t film that. Why not? You just got over it You shouldn’t be like thinking about it so much… No, but that’s the thing when it’s like There in my mind already then it’s like perfect to talk about it.. it’s very relevant No, I know but why do you want to put yourself back into that position? You’re gonna think about it then you’re like gonna feel bad eh.. It’s alright.. No no no, no “eh.” I see your point but.. it’s like..because it’s not completely out of my system So if I have like a rant about it.. then maybe I’ll feel better..you’re right, right. I’m gonna have to go, love you. Alright, love you, bye

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