Depression is different for everyone. Here’s what it’s like for me. | #9 of Top 10 2019

PETE HOLMES: You woke up in a conundrum. You were born into a conundrum. And I don’t care how we label it or lower
our anxiety by going, well, it’s this and it’s not this, and it’s that — let’s just
talk about this shared mystery that we’re soaking in. I want to be careful here, talking about depression,
because I had a friend who was very depressed, and I remember talking to him, out of love,
trying to explain some of these ideas, some of these ways that we can think and interpret
our suffering. And sometimes when someone is suffering, the
last thing they want is for you to go, ‘Hey, there’s another way to look at this.’ That’s later. None of this is to be imposed on anybody,
and I don’t want to belittle or just say, ‘You know your brain is — it’s your attachment
to your desire to not be depressed that’s causing you–‘ no, none of that. That is not what I’m saying at all. We can give space to someone’s depression. We can love them, we can honor — we can just
eat some noodles, we can watch some movies, whatever it is. We can just sit and not talk. That’s real stuff. It’s a real — I don’t know if you call it
a disorder, a disease, but it’s happening, and we don’t need to coach people through
with ideologies. That being said, if you’re in a place to talk
about this, usually when you’re not depressed, I found it helpful to step inside what I call
the witness. And other traditions call that your soul. I believe science might just call it the phenomenon
of your base consciousness. If you think about when you were born — I
have a baby girl now; she’s not thinking in ideas yet. She doesn’t know she’s American. She doesn’t know she lives in California. Just like a ladybug doesn’t know it’s Italian. You know what I mean? It’s just awareness. So she’s just there. But slowly over time, we build up what Jung
and others called the false self. So we have the story of who we are. I’m a man and I’m a comedian and I’m a tall
man, I have big teeth, and all these things, and I like the first two Batman movies, and
I don’t drink coffee, or whatever it is. So you build up this identity. And oftentimes, in that identity is where
things like suffering are occurring, sometimes. I can’t speak for everybody. But I will say that for me, when I’ve been
depressed — and I get depressed. I have irrational bouts of anxiety. I have random FedEx deliveries of despondency. Just like, “I didn’t order this. Oh, well, keep the PJs on, cancel everything
you’re doing today. It’s time to take a sad shower.” That happens to me. So I’m speaking for me with full respect to
other people’s processes and their experience. When I’m depressed, if I can get into that
quiet space, it’s the space that’s noticing the thoughts. So if you think, ‘I’m hungry’ — we always
just think that ‘I’m hungry’ is the thought in the animal, and then we eat, and then it
goes, ‘Thank you.’ Who’s talking to who, really? I would say that the thought is talking to
your awareness, your base awareness, your witness. So that’s what’s watching your thoughts. And if you can get into that, you see how
impartial and unswayed by your life circumstance this witness really is. It’s just there. It’s neutral. It’s just is-ness. It’s just this. And it’s just watching. It’s compassionate, it’s involved, it’s invested. But it’s not really as connected and tied
to the events of your life story as you are, as your false self is. So when those depressions happen, I found
it helpful — and this is something Ram Dass taught me — is instead of identifying with
the depression and saying, “I am depressed” — although, that is how I might say it to
somebody — what I’m thinking is, “There is depression. I am noticing” — it’s going to make me cry
— “I’m seeing depression.” And you can almost — it’s not denial. It’s real and it’s valid. But you’re a little bit less in the quicksand
and you go, “Wow,” — This is Ram Dass, he’s like, “I don’t know if people get out of depressions
like this one. Look at this one. This is too much.” But who is noticing it? And Ram Dass asks, is the part of you that’s
noticing the depression depressed? Now, I asked my friend that who was depressed,
and he said yes. So not everybody is there, not everybody can
get there. Later he did, by the way. We talked about it later. In my experience, I’ve had success in getting
into the place that goes, there is an impartial part of me that’s witnessing whatever the
feeling is, and I can rest in that. Ram Dass talks about it being like a candle
that’s inside that isn’t swayed or flickered by the wind. It’s in a quiet place. And when you go in there, you don’t resist
the depression, you give it space. You observe it, you don’t identify with it. You honor it, sometimes you medicate it, sometimes
you go to therapy. I’m not saying we need to sit in a cave and
heal ourselves. But I am saying that there is some relief
to be had in not identifying as, “I’m this, I’m sad.” I do it all the time. “There is sadness.” I’m anxious. “There is anxiety. Look at Pete, he’s anxious.” And this is every great spiritual mystic through
all time, they’ve all been doing this. Saint Francis called his body his corpse. He was like, ‘I drag my corpse around, my
corpse wants to eat.’ You know what I mean? I don’t like it because it puts it down. But I just go like — I say to Valerie all
the time, I go, “Pete’s frustrated.” You know what I mean? Not, “I’m frustrated, this is real. My parents should — they should listen more,
or, my dad still wants me to be a baseball player.” Oh, look at Pete go. And then you’re there and you’re just like,
you’re not being flickered by the wind. Because that’s always going to be there. And with practice, with meditation, with mindfulness,
and with contemplation and study, literally reading about it, talking about it like this,
when we’re in it in real time, not necessarily later — at the beginning, it goes like this. You’re depressed and then later, you look
back and go, oh, I think I was still this watching me. And then with practice, when it’s happening,
you can go, I can witness this in real time. I can go, that’s happening. It’s a phenomenon. It’s real. It’s to be honored, I understand. But it’s not who I really am.


  1. If this is up for only two minutes so far, and it's 6:47 minutes long, how can it already have 50 views? How could those people have completed the video…?…🤔

  2. How I would explain my depression to someone who isn't depressed: You know that feeling you get after you've had a long, difficult, emotionally draining day? When you want to just go home and shut everything and everyone out and go to bed? Now imagine feeling that way 80%-90% of the time.

  3. Beautifully thought and expressed. This is what professionalism should be today, sending a clear message without hurting people. “Oh but MUH WORD FREEDOM”, stages for voices heard by thousands upon thousands aren’t for that sort of amateurish crap. Loved this video

  4. I admire Pete’s take on everything in life. However, you seem a little less in shape than Kevin, yes I watched and laughed.
    But if you think of Jillian’s upload recently and understanding that there is an ever greater risk of type 2 diabetes in at least this country with ageing, diet, as well as how the individual’s body reacts in the beginning of this condition and as it moves to a worsening position. Then I think it may be possible for these weaknesses of the body that happens and an outright sleepy and tired feeling after eating noodles for instance, just may be confused to some degree with depression. And at the same time actually causing a psychological issue of sadness from not functioning at past levels of energy and not knowing what some of the underlying causes really are, especially if you have poor health insurance, just a thought. You are humorous although… not so much here today, but yeah.

  5. When I'm depressed I usually browse the same apps to avoid thinking, or look up methods of suicide to feel like I have control over my life.

  6. Depression is like a mist or fog, it chokes you. Constricts you. Over time, your energy decreases, you feel empty. It's not always just a purely emotional state, for me it is an absence of feeling, like listening to white noise everywhere. Taste, touch and hearing are all dampened. It crushes you beneath the weight of over analysing each individual act, every single thought. Appetite fluctuates, "I don't deserve to eat", turns into "if I don't eat, people will notice and then look poorly on me". Familial relations become worthless, not because you consider them poorly but because you are consumed by your own headspace. Eventually, you start to wonder whether life is worth living. You question whether you contribute something worthwhile. It's continuous taxation upon your psyche, potentially in some creating a kind of phantom pain. Perhaps eventually, you begin to feel numb, your actions cease to to have cause and you fail to see the effect. Masks become daily use items, a smile or a grin utilised to avoid causing alarm. Slowly but surely, you realise that continuous misery isn't working out, so some reach out and some take their "out" at this stage. I'm still considering it on a daily basis, dying or living in hell. It's a continuous cycle, only broken by short reprieves of feeling a little more "normal", but if anything, that is the cruelest part. You have moments of clarity, you taste freedom from your demons but they merely gave some slack to your leash. Once you had your moment, it's right back to the silence. And whilst you remember how it felt to be free, you dont remember "how" to get back there. You have no plan, no hope and no option other than an end. After all that, it's not a question of whether people are cowards for killing themselves, they are brave soldiers who fought a battle they knew they'd never win purely from the determination to not back down. Men, women, children. Depression can affect us all, but when it comes, never stop fighting. Whether there is an end to the pain or not, never stop fighting. A soul is irreplaceable, a life is the quintessential creation. Depression won't take this away, and you are always an essential part of this fight.

  7. I’m constantly depressed, my life is a complete mess. It always has been. I try again and again to fix my life, but it’s like struggling in quicksand, no matter what I do, I only put myself in a worse situation . I can remember being depressed throughout my childhood and teenage years, into my 20’s and 30’s and 40’s and now I’m in my 50’s and I’m tired. There is no better situation anymore. I wake up with muscle pains and aches. I’m at the point where life just naturally goes downhill. There no point. I’m literally just waiting for death. That’s all I have left. I’ve thought about Suicide, but I’ve messed up every other decision I’ve ever made in my life, so I’ll most likely survive and then have to deal with the repercussions of my attempt. I just don’t even try to be happy anymore. Happiness is just a temporary reprieve from the natural state of depression.

  8. Always good to step outside yourself.I deal with depression by battle rapping my German Shepherd. I'll spit my verse,he'll tilt his head to the side ,look at me as if I'm insane and ill laugh my ass off afterwards.It helps.

  9. Depression is an environmental response. The simple fact that modern psychology treats it via the failure that is psychopharmacology shows how corrupt our mental health industry has become. Want to fix depression? Fix the environment the depressed are forced to live in.

  10. For me it's like sometimes that has nothing to be the same as the last paint around this evening and that would just be a 5 or a 6 or half past the best of the decade! They are both in the first place and with that thought you want it to be, and that Neanderthal genome project is so overrated because you have to explain what happened after the coffee shop by a box ,the crowd was just as free as the sand dunes in the city, jump into this is my dressing room awesome now and ready for the day we get a good laugh at them and with that thought

  11. Trying to describe Depression to people who don't have it is like trying to describe the colour blue to a blind person. What he says make sense, but sometimes it can be hard to resist giving in to your "hormonal" self and pretty soon that becomes the norm. Anywho
    Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year.

  12. My depression gets lost every time,
    when I watch Hot Coub compilations.

    The truth is, those moments are given us to have us overview the current lifestyle, re-build the dreams and goals and come up with a renewed plan for the near future. All other things are sickness, and you have to see a doctor.
    Exapmle: if you are lonely, look for getting in touch with smb.; if you are too chatty, look for some meditation and listen to some wiseman speeches.

    REMEMEMBER 😉 there is ALWAYS a cure to your illness. Ask!

  13. Merry Christmas everyone and i am here celebrating Christmas by myself in a quite and small room with no friend. It is so hard to live alone and I hope someday my life will change.

  14. At first I “thought” who the fuck this Newb.. Then I thought 💭 why em I listen to this.. I ain’t got depression.. then i thought 💭 oh yeah i know some fools who have it, maybe I can learn some fresh ideas to share with them… And even tho you may have been Meditating for years Consistently it’s worth listening to the entire video.. Few humans actually know the right way practice in this reality. This guy is one of them.. Nice gems 💎 👍🏽👍🏽

  15. Christmas Eve day and I’m laying in bed with severe depression, don’t even care about the fact my daughter is super excited about it and I’m left like this 😞 can’t seem pull it together the past few days. Someone give me a reason to live, I’m just wana die

  16. People, did any of you actually watched the video? Because I'm stunned by the reactions? If u focus on YOU and YOUR THOUGHTS, you give life to the feeling/emotion/state of mind that's called depression. Now instead of focusing on your brain, try to focus on your SOUL. Connect with it! Give it a voice, a neutral observer voice. Practice and FEEL how everything changes.. Go back to when you were still a child, look at nature, animals, children.. Why aren't they depressed? I get that its not that easy for everyone. You are certainly not alone! Merry Christmas and I love you all❤️

  17. I absolutely relate, I have severe lack of focus living in a country I don't speak the language, working at home as sole earner in a family of 4 at my own "pace". I learn that even tho is not a miraculous solution or magic solver, identifying it happening helps a lot. When I can't focus in my work I flash inside my head "resistance" and the I work on getting the resistance away.

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