David Tennant as Campbell Bain in Takin’ Over the Asylum – Ep. 1


♪ And though you try you just can’t hide -So you must be the new DJ. -Aye. Eddie McKenna. -Campbell Bain. Well, I suppose you want to have a look at
your new station. -Aye. They told me you’d be expecting me. -I’ll introduce you to all the loonies later on. They’re watching “Neighbours” at the moment. It’s the high point of the patients’ day. And eating, I suppose. Two high points. Eating and watching “Neighbours.” And sleeping. Three high points. It’s a wonder the patients aren’t exhausted
for all the excitement, eh? Here we are. -It’s worse than I thought. -In here, everything is worse than you thought. The albums have been arriving for weeks, but
I don’t think any of the donors were under 80 by the look of ’em. Even some 78s in there. -Have you got the key? -No, but we can try at the nurse’s station. It hasn’t been used in years, you know. They tried to get it going again a couple
of years ago. Rumour has it that the next morning, 122 patients
told their shrinks they were hearing voices, and they prescribed about 6000 pounds’ worth
of major tranquillisers afore they realised it was the hospital radio. So it had to be stopped. I don’t believe it myself. I cannae believe 122 patients could no be
watching television at the same time. -I’ve been looking for you, Campbell Bain.
Where have you been? -I’ve been showing Eddie McKenna here the
radio station. He’s the new DJ. -Well, you’ve missed the drug round. Now go and tell nurse you need your drugs. -She’s always doing that. Always trying to get me to take drugs. Downers for when I’m up,
uppers for when I’m down. If you did that on the outside, you’d be arrested,
you know? -Campbell. Go. -He’s a patient? -Oh, yes. -So you’re the new DJ. -Aye. -“Sometimes I wonder what I’m a-gonna do ’cause there ain’t no cure
for the summertime blues!” -So you listened? -Aye, it was brilliant! Sort of like a Levi’s, Wrigley’s, Pepsi and
Irn-Bru advert all rolled into one. “Young girl, get out of my mind!” “You never close your eyes…” “Fame!” “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog!” -Did anyone else listen? -Well, I don’t think so. Unless you count Agnes. Her nurse sat her next to one of the speakers. But see, she’s catatonic, so it was difficult
to know whether she was actually listening. You picked a bad time though. Tuesday at 7:00 is “Emmerdale.” And the patients are very fond of “Emmerdale.” -So I should have started at 7:30? -They’d miss “EastEnders.” -8:00? -Nae chance. “The Bill”! Television’s not just a simple diversion here. It’s more a way of life. You’re not gonna pack it in, are you? -What do you think? -But this station has potential, Eddie. It could be big. It could be very big! -Campbell, I have spent the entire evening
alone, surrounded by two hundred scratched, pre-coronation records, broadcasting on equipment
that should be in a museum to one person, down speakers that make me sound like my head’s
in a bucket. -Well, OK, I admit it’s a slow start. But… Hang on, Eddie. You’re no boring me or tha’, but I’ve just seen a friend of mine
flying past the window. Fergus! What’re you doing? You’re gonna hurt yourself. -Shall I get a nurse? -Fergus! You’re gonna miss your cocoa, you know! -I know. -Well, can I have it then? -Help yourself. -He’s escaping! -Yeah. He’ll be knocking on the door in an hour or
so. He always does. Annoys the hell out of the staff. Anyway, Eddie, the only thing we have to do is find a way of getting
that lot away from the television. -How? -Well, a student nurse once accidentally gave
everyone in the ward an overdose of laxative. Believe me, nobody was watching TV that night. -Campbell, you cannae give the whole hospital
a laxative. -Yeah, you’re right. Where would I get hold of all that laxative? What about a request show? -I’ve already thought of that.
I haven’t enough records. -So? -So when folk request something, they usually
like you to be able to play it. -Well, we just make them keep requesting until they
hit on something we actually have. “If you can guess a record that we actually
have in our library, then we will play it for you with a special dedication.” Who could resist? -It’d never work. -We need some jingles. “Hospital radio, St Jude’s.” That sort of thing. -You need singers to record jingles. -And what exactly is sitting here before you? -A lunatic! -Aye, but a singing lunatic! We could record them in the station, aye? -Aye. -Brilliant! Now give me the key. -What key? -To the station. Look, I’ve gotta start writing the jingles, rehearsing the singers,
cataloguing the albums. -Campbell, how exactly are you in here? -Can you not guess? I’m manic. But don’t worry. The drugs I take make me completely stable. Except for headaches, of course. I get these headaches. It just comes over me and I cannae… Ah, the bells! The bells! And I want my own show, by the way. -What? -Well, after all this work, I think it’s only
fair, don’t you? -Campbell, I cannae just give you your own
show. You need training on the equipment. -So? Train me. I’ll take Friday nights. -Will that not clash with “Brookside”? -Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important
announcement to make! -Campbell, you’re in the way! -It will only take a moment. -We’re trying to watch “Miss Marple.” -Look, I’ll only take ten seconds. -Move, afore I move you myself. -Ten seconds. That’s all I ask. -Give him ten seconds, and then maybe he’ll
shut up. -I just wanted to announce that the woman
Miss McGillicuddy saw being strangled on the train was in fact Martine Perrault, legal
but estranged wife of Dr Quimper, who murdered her in order to be free to marry Emma Crackenthorpe,
and inherit the Crackenthorpe fortune. -Why did you have to tell us how it ended? -There’s no point in watching it now! -True. Which brings me to my second announcement. -Is “Gardeners’ World” on yet? -Look, you’re not getting to this television
’til I’ve made my second announcement. -Right! -The gala re-launch of St Jude’s hospital
radio will take place tomorrow night at 7 pm. -We want “Gardeners’ World.” -With the very first of our radio request
shows, in which our very own Ready Eddie will play your requests and dedications live and
on the air. So, are you ready to request? Then ready, Eddie, go! -Do you mean, if I make a request, you’ll
play it on the radio? -The hospital radio. -Which means about three folk’ll hear it. -Have you got “I’m in The Mood for Love”? -Uh, no. But I’ve got “In The Mood” by Glenn Miller. Would you like us to play it for you? -I’ve never heard it. -What about “Take My Breath Away”, have you
got that? -Was that released after 1975? -Oh, aye. -Then no, but… -Aw! -Well, I mean, we haven’t got every record
ever released. -We want “Gardeners’ World.” -You wouldnae have “My Way” by big Frank on
that list of yours, would you? -Sold! Give that man a pen
and have him step this way. -Ta-da! -This is amazing! You did this all yourself? -Well, nearly. -I helped him. Oh, I’m Rosalie, by the way. -Much as I hate to take advantage of someone’s
illness, but she did insist. -I’m compulsive, you see. -We’ve sorted out all the donated records,
by the way. -I filed them alphabetically and catalogued
them according to period, artist and song, except for this pile here, which we’ve left for you,
because I wasn’t sure how to categorise them. -Oh and look! The lead on this speaker is long enough so
we can put it in the corridor tomorrow night, and attract a wee bit of attention. And I’ve written about half a dozen jingles
which we can record later on if you want. “Hospital radio, St Jude’s!” “Mouldin’ golden oldies, da-doo, da-doo!” “Ready Eddie’s road show! Ready, Eddie, go!” -You did all this in one day? -Aye! Don’t you wish you were manic? -Look, I’ve got to go to work now. Campbell, have you ever noticed, does Nana
ever get any visitors? -Nana? No. She’s off to the twilight zone next week,
so I hear. -The what? -You know… Ward 3. Only two ways outta there. In a box or in a box. -She showed me some photos tonight. Her daughter, I think, and some other folk. I mean, where are they? It’s not her fault she’s gone loop de loop. -Oh, she’s no loony. -What do you mean? -Well, she’s a laugh! She talks to you. I mean, it’s not like she’s talking to wee
blue men from Venus. Although some of my best friends have been
known to talk to wee blue men from Venus. Nana’s as sane as I am. -Well, I wouldn’t use those exact words in
court, Campbell. Good evening! This is Ready Eddie. And on my left is my right-hand man… -Campbell Bain. -And you’re listening to the first ever Ready
Eddie Radio Request Road Show! ♪ Ready Eddie’s road show! ♪ Ready, Eddie, go! -That’s right. This is the premiere. This is the first. And you can tell everyone
that you were there. You heard it! You saw it! And they’ll tell you, it’s all part of your
illness. -We’re playing requests from Ward 11 this
evening. The first one is for Francine. I hope you’re listening, Francine. -I hope anybody’s listening. -Is anyone listening? Is anybody out there? ♪ But now these days are gone, I’m not so
self assured ♪ Now I find I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened
up the doors ♪ Help me if you can, I’m feeling down ♪ Help me -The television’s broken, Eddie! There is a God! ♪ Now my life has changed in oh so many
ways ♪ Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round ♪ Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me ♪ When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way But now these days are gone, I’m not so self
assured ♪ Now I find I’ve changed- -What’s wrong? -The mixing desk. -Do something! -What can I do? I can’t even turn on the bathroom light without
shocking myself. -Well, check the plug. Maybe it’s the fuse. -It’s not the fuse. -I cannae believe this. I’ve just had the world’s shortest career
as a disc jockey. -Fergus, what are you doing? -I’ll just have a look. -No, don’t! Um, don’t have a look there. -I think he’ll blow it up. -Fergus, I’m asking you. Please leave it alone. -He’s gonna blow it up. -He’s not! -I think I know what the problem is. -Fergus, for God’s sake! -He’s blowing it up! -Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus! -Fergus, don’t, okay? -Fergus! Fergus!
-Just leave it alone. -Fergus! Fergus!
-It’s all we’ve got. -Fergus! Fergus! Fergus! Fergus! -He’s not causing trouble, is he? -No, he’s just helping me get the mixing desk
going again. -Him? He couldn’t get his brain going again. -Leave it, Stuart. It’s all over. -You’re a genius, Fergus. You’re a genius! Sorry about the technical problems, folks. We’re now back on the air and we hope to
keep it that way. Our next request is for Simon and is dedicated
to his girlfriend, Jennifer. ♪ If you don’t know me by now,
you will never, never, never know me. ♪ Nananana, nananana, Hey Jude♪

9 comments

  1. Ohmigod he's unintelligible. I mean, not really but the accent is so much thicker! Also, serious Doctor vibes from the list of high points.

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