Alright, being poor sucks! I wouldn’t recommend being poor,
I’ve been poor for most of my life I’ve been living on my own
since I was 17-years-old And when I was 17,
I lived with roommate Brewer in a duplex Now that right there should give you an idea
of how much money we had We couldn’t even rent a whole house We rented half of a house! Our landlord’s like: “You guys get the top part” “This random stranger gets the bottom part” “You guys share a basement
and make awkward conversations from time to time” “You got it? Alright, cool!” And let me say, our asses were broke,
living in that duplex! I was so broke, if I found a nickel on the ground,
I wouldn’t just put it in my pocket I’d bust out my wallet And put that baby in there nice and secure “You’re not going anywhere,
I could buy a half of a Tootsie Roll with you” And there’s nothing quite
like being hungry and having no money We’d just be sitting there sometimes “Well, we have no money
until we get paid on Friday” “What day is it?” “Uh, it’s Tuesday” “Oh, well, looks like we’re fucked!” “Well, we had a good run,
I guess it’s time to kill ourselves” “Yeah, I was thinking the same thing” What’s the cheapest way to not feel hungry,
when you have no money? Well, I’ll tell you what it is It’s going to sleep! Just take your ass to the bed! You can’t feel hungry when you’re asleep,
now can ya? It’s like using a cheat-code! “Alright, I’m gonna sleep for the next three days
until we get paid again” “Wake me up when we can eat” There was one time we scavenged the whole house Checking underneath all the furniture
for any loose change And somehow we managed
to scrape together a decent amount of money And we were able to buy
a whole box of Hamburger Helper “Oh yeah, we’re gonna eat good tonight!” We’re at the grocery store, frolicking down the isle We’re dumping all our change on the counter Like the cashier just hit a jackpot
on a slot machine We get home, and Brewer decides to cook
this Hamburger Helper In what looks like the oldest,
most decrepit pan I’ve ever seen in my life It’s got rust marks on it,
all crusty and shit The damn thing looked
like he salvaged it from the Titanic He serves it up, and there’s like
these black speckles mixed in the food And I’m like, “What is this?
Pepper? Did you put pepper in this thing?” No, it wasn’t pepper *Spoiler Alert* It was that metal coating on the pan,
that scraped off and mixed in with the food “Awww, that’s gross.
What are we supposed to do now?” And I’ll tell you, what we did.
We ate it anyways! Not much of a choice there now, was it? “This tastes like soot and metal” “Yeah, it sure does” There’d be people on Fear Factor,
that wouldn’t even eat that shit! And we’re over here, getting seconds! “It’s probably not that bad, if you close
your eyes and try to think of something else” And if we weren’t worried
about food being on the table We definitely were worried about
getting utilities shut off every month You’d get a disconnection notice in the mail For the gas, for the electric,
for goddamn utilities you didn’t even know existed! You’d get a knock on the door “Yo, hi, oxygen company!
We’re here to shut your shit off!” “Oxygen company? What the hell?” “Bring in the vacuum!” [Vacuum machine buzzing] We got our gas shut off
for a whole summer one time No more warm showers,
no more dryer That gas oven in your kitchen? Well, that just
turned into extra counter space, that’s what that is! We’re not paying the gas bill,
what are you, crazy? Most people like having a functioning oven
in their kitchen, you know Some people even see it as a necessity But us? No, we didn’t need that gas oven! We just got an electric toaster oven
and put it right on top of our old oven! There we go, problem solved!
Now we can make our Tostino’s pizzas again We had our water shut off for a week one time Guess what?
Now you got no working toilet! Where are you supposed to shit now, smarty pants? If you have ever had a joy
of having your water shut off Then you know that you have one
remaining flush in that tank of your toilet You better make it count! So let’s do some quick poop math: You can probably take, like,
four shits in that thing And maybe like, I don’t know, twenty pisses? Before the thing starts
breaking the crest of the rim So everybody in the house
rushes to go to the bathroom Like it’s the last helicopter out of Vietnam “Everybody get in here!
We’re making the most out of this last flush!” Now you can still use your toilet,
if you dump some water bottles in the tank Manufacturing your own flush there One time I didn’t have any water bottles But I did have an old two-liter
of flat Mountain Dew, sitting there in the kitchen And I got to thinking:
“That will work, right? Why wouldn’t it?” So there I am, dumping Mountain Dew
into a toilet tank, so I poop in it It was probably at this moment
of my life, when I was like: “Man, I should really get my life sorted out!” “This is not how I pictured my life to be!” And while we’re on this subject
of pooping when you’re poor What are you supposed to wipe with,
when you got 3 nickels in your wallet? Because toilet paper, sure as shit,
is a luxury at that point in your life I’ve wiped my ass
with so many different substances From not having proper toilet paper,
I got to write a book on it! [How to poop when you’re poor] What to wipe with.. What to wipe with..
What to flush with… I’m talking McDonalds napkins Coffee filters You start looking at how fluffy the cat is, thinking: “Hey, you know what, it’s a possibility,
if worse comes to worse” The cat’s hiding under the couch and shit,
it knows that something’s up “You’re not wiping with me, buddy, no siree!” But having the water or the gas shut off
that wasn’t that big of a deal to us We can deal with that, we’ll make do! But where I draw the line is the internet We tried to pay that bills as best as we could,
but no matter how hard we tried We still got our internet shut off
probably about fifteen times You’d be sitting there one day,
trying to log into your MySpace And you get one of these
bad boys pop up on your browser Oh, God damn it! We don’t have any internet! What is this, Pakistan?
How am I supposed to switch around my MySpace top8? I still have time in there, for Chist’s sake!
Everybody’s gonna think I’m some kind of loser! I will gladly shit in some Mountain Dew But I will be damned if don’t have any internet! https://brewstew.com Special thanks to: [These wonderful people]
& All the other patrons! https://patreon.com/brewstew https://teespring.com/stores/brewstew