AVGN Games – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)


*Intro* Nerd: You know, there’s been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd. Which is me. Yeah, all these years while I’ve been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games… about myself! There’s been so many games about me, I can’t even keep up! Unlike the majority of games I’ve ripped apart, these ones we’re made by independent game developers. Usually single-handedly, all by their selves and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of “Laughin’ Jokin’ Numbnuts” ever could. Another thing that makes these games different than the games I usually play, is that I have to play them, on a computer. Hmm. Well anyway, the first AVGN game we’re gonna look at is the “Angry Video Game” by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention, back in 2008. You might be wondering what took me so long to get around to it? Well. The answer is simple. That’s how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64! *Game intro music plays* Nerd in game: Who the hell thought to make a game of me? What were they thinking? Nerd: That wasn’t me talking, that was the game. My voice is IN this game! Nerd in game: Stage 1 – Rock ‘N’ Roll City Ready? I sure am. Here we go. Nerd: That’s me, throwing Beer bottles. I have to admit I’ve done that before but if I had that many Beers I wouldn’t throw ’em I’d drink ’em. Then again, I’ve never been on a rooftop getting attacked by Scrotum Cannons, Blimps dropping Bombs, and wh-what the fuck is THAT!? When would you ever see me jumping across a rooftop? Who do I think I am? Jackie Chan? Nerd in game: Oh my God, there’s fuckin’ missiles falling down. Man, when the hell does this ever happen in my life? It’s never happened. Nerd: Exactly, just like I said in the game. I don’t even need to talk. Just listen. Nerd in game: Cannons and the Zeppelins and Fish…… wh-what was that? Wh-what was that? I’m dead, fuck! What the hell was that? Nerd: My sentiments exactly. Nerd in game: Fuck! I’m dead as shit. *Game over theme playing* Nerd: The stage boss. Is a helicopter guitar. And I wish I didn’t already call the Cannon “Scrotum Cannons” because NOW, the game is just mocking me. Have you ever seen an AVGN episode where a giant helicopter guitar come flying in and pisses all over me!? Nerd in game: I’m dead, fuck! Nerd: Is that going to be my epitaph? Fuck!? The second stage i’m in the water, where every random thing is trying to kill me, like a Submarine Shark. And I can’t beat the Shark. I just can’t. It may look like i’m sucking ass at it, but what do you expect. I’m playing on a keyboard. And the controls are the complete opposite of what’s on a regular controller. Jump attack is on the left and moving is on the right. So I have to switch my hands around and get Carpal Tunnel. The weapon is the worst thing of all. The Beers fly in an arch, so you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory and everything blocks your aim! Fuck, fuck! I can’t hit this fuckin’ Fish! Fuck! DAAAHHH!!! These Beers are like the rock in “Friday the 13th”. And I already told you how bad that is. Oh no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it’s because those are the kind of things I complained about. This game is all my fault. Ugh! Time for another AVGN game. Let’s try “Pixel Land Blast” by Kevin Berryman. This one came out the same year, back in 2008. Well, it looks like a bunch of shitty NES games have invaded the fantasy world of a familiar good game that we all know. So i’m flying around like Superman, blasting every copy of these games in existence. This game is my ultimate fantasy. Fuckin’ games! Blast you all to hell! Die! UHHHHHH!! UHH!! YEEAAHH!! Needless to say, it’s a 2D shooter. All you do is shoot the games, shoot the games and shoot the games. There’s not much else to say. You even get the take down the “Power Glove” or “Power Gauntlet” and the “Virtual Boy” even Shit Pickle makes an appearance. Shit Pickle: Shit Pickle. The first game was designed to make me angry, but this one, is a lot easier. So, maybe it’s more like therapy. Nerd in game: ASS! Nerd: Maybe now i’m calmed down enough to play another AVGN game. Nerd in game: Oh shit! Nerd: This is “AVGN K.O. Boxing” by Devin Cook. It’s made in the style of an Atari 2600 game, very faithfully. It’s as if you took “Punch Out” and put it into an Atari game. You control this anonymous invisible guy, not the Nerd. So, if you ever wanted to punch me in the face, there you go! UHHH!! UHH!! Take that Nerd! Me! Next opponent is Shit Pickle. How does Shit Pickle keep coming into my life? Next up is Jason Voorhees. Man, is he hard! Oh, fuck! UHHHHH!!! I can’t beat him. Quite honestly, it’s a fun game. It’s definitely better than any of the boxing games on Atari. Next up is “AVGN Planet” by Davidi. The plot of the game is that all of my enemies such as Bugs Bunny, Freddy and Jason have been sent to a planet and now i’m going there to fight them once again. “Is it just me or does that not make sense?” It doesn’t. The game is in the style of “Metroid” with me running around through caverns and collecting power-ups. It also uses the same kind of puzzle solving where you have to find out how to open a door and it’s a good effort. The controls use the keyboard to move and the mouse to aim. So, I guess you could say it’s very PC. Here’s that Bunny bastard! *Laser firing repeatedly* Nerd: Come on, die already. *Laser fires again* Nerd: Die already! *Laser continues firing* Nerd: Oh my god! *Laser still continues firing* Nerd: Die! *Laser STILL continues firing* Nerd: Just fucking die! *The Laser is STILL firing* Nerd: Who would’ve thought he’d be the strongest boss in video game history? Yeah! Finally. And i’m rewarded with Beer. The second boss, I think is Jason Voorhees and if you thought Bugs Bunny was tough, look at this, just LOOK at this! *Lasers firing* Nerd: I’ll try the missiles. *Missiles firing* Nerd: There goes my missiles. I can’t kill this guy. After all, he IS Jason Voorhees. Come on Jason, he won’t even kill me. He’s taunting me! He wants me to die slow! Well fuck him. If you can get past this force field, you can transport to the next stage. Again, good effort. But one thing, I couldn’t figure out how to quit the game and killing yourself takes a long time. *BOOM* Next is “AVGN Game Over” by Lord Gavin Games. *Intro cover in game* Nerd: The intro is really cool, it shows me beating up characters from the games I’ve talked about. Set to that awesome theme song cover. *Intro cover continues playing in game* Nerd: So, I sucked into a video game world. And the first stage is based on “Super Mario Brothers”. Rather than jumping on Goombas, I fight ’em like a man. UHHHH!!! Punch ’em! Nerd in game: ASS! Piece of shit! Nerd: Yeah! Tell ’em Honestly, this is pretty fun, but unfortunately i’m having technical problems the game crashed and to be serious for one moment, i’m not playing on a Commodore, it’s a brand new PC. The game crashed again and again within only the first 30 seconds of the game. And every time it crashed, I had to wait through the entire intro. I can’t find a way to skip it. So, unfortunately, I can’t play this one for some reason. Whether it be a problem with my Computer or whatever, and it’s a shame, just when things were starting to blow up. Well anyway, Lord Gavin strikes again with “AVGN Game Over 2”. This sequel is done in more of a 16-bit style. Nerd in game: FUCK!! Nerd: Feels a lot more like “Super Mario World”. What’s really awesome about this one, is that you can use an Xbox controller with it. That’s right, a REAL controller. Don’t try to play it with the keyboard or else, you won’t be able to jump correctly, I found that out the hard way. I think this game is really well done. Even though, it may not be AVGN themed that much. Nerd in game: ASS!! Nerd: Now, let’s move onto consoles, which is more like my familiar territory, this game I got on an actual Atari 2600 cartridge, simply titled, “The Angry Video Game Nerd” It was sent by Lodmot. *Atari style AVGN theme plays* Nerd: Well, it definitely looks and plays just like an Atari game. *Atari firing sound* Nerd: That’s me by the way. Damn! I’m looking good! The things on the bottom are Sega, Atari and Nintendo consoles, if you can wrap your head around a Sega or Nintendo console being in a game that’s being played on an Atari console! The things flying in from the top are shitty games, the object is to shoot the shitty games before they get to your consoles. In true Atari fashion, it takes a lot of imagination and has lots of flashing effects. Is that the music from “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”? *Atari style Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde music plays* All we need is some boom! Gimme some boom! Gimme some boom! BOOM!!! YEAH!! *Atari booms continue* It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how can you resist “AVGN vs. Dr. Wily” by ABOhiccups? *Mega Man 2 theme playing* Nerd: It’s gonna be me, isn’t it? *Mega Man 2 theme continues playing* Nerd: It’s gonna be me. *Mega Man 2 theme still continues playing* Nerd: Yeah! That’s me. *Mega Man 2 theme still continues playing* Nerd: So, basically, it’s “Mega Man 2”, but instead of Mega Man… it’s me. I’m IN “Mega Man 2”! One of the best games ever made and i’m in it! If I could’ve foreseen that as a kid I would’ve shit my pants. Another difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game. So. If you thought the game wasn’t hard enough and it needed the fuckin’ nerd in it. Than this is for you. Anyway, let’s play some more AVGN games. Board James: Hey Nerd! Since you’ve been doing AVGN games. How about an AVGN board game! Nerd: Board James!? What is this, why does everyone always drop in uninvited? Board James: No, come on this is a great game, check it out. “Angry Video Game Nerd Monopoly” by Matthew Nielsen Everybody knows how to play Monopoly, it’s the same thing, but all the properties are games that you reviewed, Nerd. Like “Superman 64”, “Deadly Towers” and “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”, ooooooh. Instead of trains for the transit system, how about travelling around in the Tornado from “Simon’s Quest”? There’s Glitch Cards and Used Game Shop Cards. Some of my favorites are “You break your TV out of rage from playing “Wayne’s World” and have to pay $150 for a new one.” And how about “You achieve the highest score in “The Terminator” and get paid $150″. “Cheating Fine” for using Game Genie. Or check out this one “You re-visit “Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest”. You’re revisiting it, so that means you’re going backwards and not past the “press start” panel”. Very elaborate way to say “Go Back”. Or, “You accidentally use an Atari Jaguar console as the toilet and the shopkeeper charges you $50 for damages. Where does he get his prices from?” Nerd: Yeah! Jaguar CD’s are way more expensive than that. Board James: But isn’t that awesome? Somebody made a Monopoly game, about you! Everybody’s gotta have a Monopoly game, even AC/DC has a Monopoly game! Nerd: Yeah that’s cool, but. How’d you get here, aren’t you supposed to be in jail? Board James: Oh well, I used a “Get Out of Jail Free” Card. Nerd: Yeah, but. Didn’t you kill your friends or something? Board James: That wasn’t me, that wasn’t me, THAT WAS THE FUCKIN’ PHONE!!! GOD!! FUCK YOU! AND EVERYBODY! Nerd: Okay. You know, that guy looks familiar. Anyway, speaking of phones, next we have a game that you play on your phone. Well. Okay. This is “Texting of the Bread”, produced by ScrewAttack. I believe it’s a spoof of “Typing of the Dead”, which is a spoof of “Night of the Living Dead”. Wow! A spoof of a spoof. Nerd in game: Ahh! Nerd: I just happen to be a playable character in it. I’m just sitting around, minding my own business, when a Zombie Ginger-Bread Man bursts in. I hate it when that happens. The idea is to type – or should I say – text as fast as you can to shoot all the Ginger-Bread Men. Nerd in game: Ohh! Nerd: This is the weirdest game I’ve ever been in. *Shooting continues* And at last, we have the recent “Angry Video Game Nerd: Adventures” also produced by ScrewAttack, developed by FreakZone Games and officially endorsed by me. Which means, I better check it out and make sure they didn’t fuck it up. In the intro, I get pulled into the TV by my balls, story of my life. Next thing, i’m inside an 8-bit platformer getting nagged by “Naggi – The Patronizing Firefly”. Press A to jump? Yeah, thanks. “You’re a fucking genius now leave me alone”. My 8-bit self says it all. After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it’s the largest AVGN game yet. I’m using an Xbox Controller and the controls feel 100% fluent, there is no doubt about it, this is a legitimate side-scroller. Proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don’t even need to go back to the past. We’re still in the past. And why is the music so fucking awesome!? *Awesome background music playing* You can play as hidden characters, like “The Bullshit Man”, “Is that guy dead again?” and “Mike”. Who the fuck is Mike? I don’t know anyone like that. Not to mention, there’s lots of hidden cameos. See if you can find them. There’s also power-ups like “Super Mecha Death Christ”, which obliterates everything. And the “Glitch Gremlin”, who makes everything go berserk. You know, I’ve heard a lot of people say this game is very difficult, but, i’m not having any trouble with it. I mean, come on, it’s my game, i’m the fuckin’ nerd! *Starts to die continuously* Nerd: Okay! Whoever came with this is- Exactly. It read my mind. They’re an asshole. Which means the asshole who made this game acknowledged that they’re an asshole and that I called them an asshole. You asshole. Great! Do I really need to be reminded of “Silver Surfer” again? Why does everything look like a Dick? Oh no. Not the “Where’d You Learn to Fly” bitch! Then there’s the Happy Land where everything is smiling. *Happy Land music playing* Nerd: No matter where I die – or how I die – there’s always one of these things making fun of me. *Happy Land music continues playing* Nerd: The death screen always generates a random quote. Saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let’s try “Dungeons and Dickholes”. *Dungeons and Dickholes music playing* Nerd: NOW this is going too far! When I came up with this idea during my “Super Pitfall” episode, I didn’t know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap! I can’t even blame anyone but myself. I came up with this! What was I thinking!? WHAT THE FUCK! No way! They didn’t! It’s “The Giant Claw”, it’s as big as a Battleship. How did it get in this game? It just barged right in! Like a Battleship crashing into a harbor. It’s taken so many hits, like bullets on a Battleship. It’s a flying Battleship! This isn’t the first time “The Giant Claw” appeared in a video game. It was also in another FreakZone game, based on another terrible movie – “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” So it begs the question. When will “The Giant Claw” strike again? Hmm? The movie was filmed in Hollywood, Manos was filmed in El Paso, I originally broadcast out of New Jersey. Hmm? I don’t see any pattern. Oh! Of course! A perfect pattern! Next is a level based entirely on the Atari Porn games. Who would do that? Don’t look, kids. Then there’s “Assholevania”, it’s as if you took all things that were frustrating about the “Castlevania” games and the “Mega Man” games and put them all together. The biggest obstacle are these death blocks, you touch ’em, you die. It’s all about getting these patterns down and there’s hardly and room to fuck up. *Assholevania theme playing* Nerd: Uh, undershot it! *Assholevania theme still playing* Nerd: Uh, overshot it! You think there’s enough death blocks? Then there’s “Blizzard of Balls”, a Christmas Snow level. Nothing says Christmas like shittin’ chickens. The best part is killing Santa and using his body as a sled. *Blizzard of Balls theme playing* Nerd: On the polar opposite, we have the Hell Level, thy farts consumed, where you fight Cakademons. *Hell Level theme playing and enemies burping* Nerd: And ride on a Shark shooting lasers! *Hell Level theme continues playing with lasers firing* Nerd: This is ridiculous. Then of course, you fight the devil himself. *Hell Level theme still continues playing as Satan explodes* Nerd: And don’t you love the intentional typos? “Conglaturation?” Is that the new hip way to spell it? Is that what the kids are doing now!? The remaining level is “Boo! Haunted House”. You have to play the whole stage in tunnel vision and this is where they REALLY get carried away with the death blocks. Even when you know it’s there, it’s still hard not to touch it. *Boo! Haunted House theme playing* Nerd: Oh! What? *Boo! Haunted House theme continues playing* Nerd: Oh no, oh jeez! *Boo! Haunted House theme still playing* Nerd: Oh no! *Boo! Haunted House theme still playing* Nerd: Oh no! Oh god! Oh! Oh god! AYEHAUGHYOU! Fuck! Boo! Haunted House theme once again, STILL playing* Nerd: After you’ve conquered all the stages, one last final stage appears. “Laughin’ Jokin’ Numbnuts”, the bane of my existence. This is deliberately designed to be one of the most unfair stages in video game history. *Laughin’ Jokin’ Numbnuts theme playing* Nerd: For example – You have to shoot this gear to make the platform move, but then you’re killed by the death block, so you have to jump faster than your own bullet! And after that, more death blocks appear, out of nowhere! Meanwhile, there’s all kinds of shit flying everywhere! *Laughin’ Jokin’ Numbnuts theme playing* Nerd: There’s not one stable spot to stand to catch your breath. *Laughin’ Jokin’ Numbnuts theme still playing* Nerd: You gotta keep moving! You don’t even have time to think! *Laughin’ Jokin’ Numbnuts theme continues playing along with death sounds* Nerd: Look at this! Look at ALL THESE DEATH BLOCKS! I hate ’em, I hate ’em as much as the fuckin’ Medusa heads in “Castlevania”, or the grass in “Bill & Ted”! Every game has its thing. And this one’s thing. Is to PISS ME OFF! It was MADE to Piss. Me. Off! And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch nemesis… *Final boss theme playing* Nerd: It’s……It’s…… *Final boss theme continues playing* FRED FUCKS! It’s the programmer, Motherfuckin’ Fred Fucks! *Final boss theme still playing, dying and Fred Fucks shitting* Nerd: Finally! I get to kick his ass! *Final boss theme STILL playing* Nerd: YEAH! Fuck you Fred Fucks! UHH!! FUCKS YOU FRED FUCK! NAAAAHHHHH!!! *Final boss theme is still playing* Nerd: UHH!! *Final boss theme continues playing and Fred Fucks dying sound* Nerd: Got him! *Final boss theme plays while Fred Fucks dies* Nerd: Whew! I feel like I’ve played every bad game I ever played, all at once! And now others are playing it! Because of me, it’s like I shared all my horrible experiences! It’s all my fault! Fuck this game! *Final boss theme is STILL playing* Take that game! *Final boss theme plays for the last time*

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