Anxiety, Depression, and Being a Downer


I did a little bit of tweeting yesterday, as one does, and uh I was talking a bit about my, uh, anxiety and depression. Which are things that I have. Now you know that. It’s been a long road for me figuring out, kind of, what on earth has been going on with my brain. I’ve had anxiety I think all my life, and depression started when I was around 16,
I wanna say. Which, coincidentally is when I started YouTube. Don’t know if those two things are connected but… pretty sure they are. And for a long time I sort of felt like
those were just things that I was, like I was just an anxious person, I was just a bit of a depressed person sometimes. But I also didn’t really feel comfortable kind of, um, admitting that I had any real problems, you know? I honestly just thought I was being, you know, a bit whiney, you know, I thought, it’s not that I’m depressed, I’m just lazy. It’s not that I’m… you know, anxious I’m… I’m just a bit scared, that’s the way I am,
I need to, you know… man up and- and deal with it. Part of the reason I was sort of, nervous to talk about this topic as well is because there is, a kind of, a certain amount of bumming out that you’re allowed
to do on YouTube it feels like. It’s OK to have problems in videos so long as you can find a way to say at the end that you, you know, you’re getting through, you know,
you gotta find the upside. In the first tweet that I posted with anxiety at least, I don’t know, there way a way
I could kinda like make it like a fun, like, relatable type of thing… it just feels like the sort of thing you need to do which shouldn’t be the way that it
is but that was my feeling initially. Whereas with depression…
it’s just not fun to go through that at all. There’s no way to share that and be like… but we’re getting through, guys,
and everything’s gunna be fine. You just feel like shit, and… then you get through eventually, but… that’s not the kind of thing that people
wanna hear a lot of the time, I don’t think. It has only been recently that I’ve been like,
formally diagnosed with these. And to be honest the first time
I went to see a doctor about it I kind of got, like, brushed off. He was like, eh, this probably isn’t a bit deal so… maybe go and see a therapist if you can but, I dunno. And that didn’t really feel right to me,
so I went to a different doctor and, uh, she formally diagnosed me
with anxiety and depression. And I’m on medication for it as well now. Personally, I don’t feel like I could
get by if I was just taking medication. I also see a therapist. I also try and do things that
I know will make me feel better. But it’s, you know, it’s a case of whatever works for you.
I don’t feel like I would ever- like it’s images like this one that you
see and you’re just like, well, come on! Yes, like, sometimes for me going out on a walk
in the nature acts as an anti-depressant, sure! It doesn’t always work like that. But I also need
to take medication to reach a certain baseline. But that’s just me personally… whatever. The one thing that medication
really did help me realise though was that it was an illness. It was a very kind of physical way of being like,
you are taking a pill for an issue that you have. So it’s not a part of you.
And separating those two things, me from the illness,
was very important for me personally. When I posted the tweets initially I think the thing that I thought I was doing was letting other people know… hey, this is a problem that I have,
so if you have it too we can go through this together. I thought that I was doing it to
try and like help other people. But what actually happened was
that I just got a really big outpouring of support from people on twitter that, um,
I kind of haven’t experienced in a while. And, um, it genuinely made me feel better. I think part of this is just wanting to really
try and be as honest and authentic as I can. I still kind of really believe that that’s important, especially kind of on YouTube these
days where I feel like a lot of people do have this weird kind of
like manufactured authenticity. Like it’s like a phoney version of feeling
like you’re connecting with someone. And I don’t like that. I kind of want to rail against that. Even if it does mean I bum people out,
I just really wanna be like… this is real. This is who I am. Anyway, I’m in Toronto. That’s what this is.
I’m in an Airbnb right now. Last time I was here I actually, uh,
had some real problems with my anxiety. I remember once, I-
all I had to do was go out and get lunch, and it took me like a good hour of,
like, sitting and like hyperventilating. What are all of the thing that could possibly
go wrong if I go out and get some lunch? If I go to a resturant I haven’t been to before? It’s like, yeah, rationally it doesn’t make any sense. But, for me at the time, it was, like, genuinely terrifying. And I was worried about that happening again, but I have definitely found that I am improving. I’ve been out multiple times
while I’ve been here to get lunch. Although it has been nerve-racking, it has not been as bad as it
has been the last time I was here. That’s maybe the positive I can
end this on to make you feel like, “Eh! Everything’s going to be alright!” I hope it will be, but um, you know we’ll- we’ll see. I’m just doing my best. And, uh, yeah. If you’re going through similar things as well,
I feel ya. I really do. And yeah, sorry that this was a rambly mess,
but I couldn’t really… this felt like the right way to do it. Hope you have a great day, uh and I’ll see you in the next one of these,
whenever that might be. Who know these days, eh? Thanks for watching. Bye, guys.

100 comments

  1. This resonated with me when you posted it, and now that things have got worse I'm rewatching to remind myself that my feelings are valid. Thank you so much for making this when you did, you've inspired me for a long time. So, yeah. Thanks.

  2. I appreciate you sooooo much for having the courage to make this video. It's hard to find people willing to talk about depression and anxiety in a realistic way without trying to make it seem cute/relatable. They are serious illnesses and it's time people start taking them seriously. I've had depression all my life and I'm still trying to find the courage to tell someone because I want to see a doctor about this but I'm afraid to tell my friends/family. We need to end all stigmas around medication for these illnesses and that all you need to do is go outside and meet new people to be feel better.

  3. I discovered your youtube channel today looking for ''fun science''. Then I bumped into ''unfollow your dreams''. Then ''stop procrastinating''. Then this one. Before I knew it I was crying my eyes out but managed to go running and remove all this tension off my shoulders. I am suffering from anxiety since I can remember me and possibly other stuff too. I don't know. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I relate to you. And a big thank you for sharing. Take care

  4. Thank you. That bit about separating yourself from the illness really struck home. I've been battling depression and anxiety for a while and have had a hard time letting things go. Hopefully separating myself and my illness will help. Good luck with your recovery!

  5. I feel super-frustrated when I tell loved ones that I'm struggling with depression/to keep depression at bay and they back away. I'm still the same person I was before I told them this, and I thought at least it might be helpful for them to know why I am the way I am sometimes… but no.

  6. Is this the truth behind his smile ??? He always smile without any reason / laughs without and reason . Oh shit

  7. Charlie i haven't watched you in ages and idek if you read comments but in case you do.. firstly, watching you gives me so much like happy nostalgia even though you've grown up you feel like someone I know and of course I don't actually know you but still the warm feeling of being at home is there when I watch your videos, and that's a good feeling that I've been lacking a long time lol. I am struggling with depression right now and watching you, an extremely influential figure from my younger days whom I have such a place for in my heart, open up about yours, (ik this was posted ages ago but I haven't been on YouTube) gave me a feeling that I can't explain but am extremely grateful for. So thank you. And stay strong. Just seeing your lovely face after so long cheered me up, so I feel like I need to thank you.

  8. i had to do a speech in school and almost cried it was horrible. my mom says I should go to therapy for my anxiety but my dad refuses

  9. a lovely relatable rambley mess :3
    it is really nice to get someone talking about this who didn't end on an "it gets better!!!!1!!!" note. it doesn't feel that way when you're in the thick of it and it tends to make me feel worse. I'm glad you are doing better

  10. I've had an anxiety disorder for 11 years, and depression for maybe 15. Mental health problems suck. I hope you get better 🙂 Having therapy along side the medication is definitely a smart choice, meds by themselves can not cure anxiety. They are supposed to help you to function and access your therapy, they don't cure you.

  11. Thank you for your authenticity. It's good to hear someone say it doesn't really get better, acknowledging the not so nice side of life.

  12. I think I am very depressed but I don't want to say that I am until I am formarly diagnosed (I don't believe in self-diagnose), but I don't want to go to a psychiatrist so they diagnose me becuase I may end up taking pills (which I don't want to do) and I go to therapy but I am afraid now it's not enough, I am spiraling down a rabbit hole (Danny Brown type shit) I'm scared

  13. Charlie; I've been watching your videos since I think 2008? I've also been on Prozac since ~2010. It's lovely to be able to still be a baller even when you have personal humps to get over. Good for you dear, glad we can frankly discuss and overcome depression and anxiety together.

  14. Don't feel bad about being a rambly mess… You don't have to be professional to be relatable or honest, we love you anyway…

  15. That bit about lunch really struck a chord with me. Today I talked myself out of walking to the shop around the corner because I was scared people would look at me and that the sales person behind the counter would judge me for buying food. As if they give a shit. I start therapy for severe anxiety in 4 months (waiting lists, damn them) and I'm hoping to see some positive results. Good look with your own issues, Charlie 🙂

  16. I fight the "I'm bumming people out" feeling in real life a lot. But intellectually I know that I don't need to be alone right now too much. I'm in therapy and have restarted medication but I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts and desires to self-harm.

  17. thank you for being so candid in these topics. i REALLY get what you mean on the manufactured authenticity disguised as "support" and togetherness, and really thats just more dangerous to enter, as it can become a sickness competition. ive experienced that with depression as well as eating disorders. glad you understand that and brought ir up!!! (maybe not the comoetition part but you know what i mean) love you so much charlie. always will. youre doing so well. 💓💓

  18. hi I didnt know you had these problems best thing you can do is breathe relax and know everything will be okay

  19. I went to the doctors today and for the first time ever I spoke to him about what's going on in my head and how I feel and although I find it hard to talk about those topics and share stuff about myself face to face it was incredibly nice to be able to say it out loud and not feel like I was just making it up or feel g sorry for myself. I watched this video when you first posted it Charlie and it was because of people like you and Dodie who addressed the way it was that I had the courage to go and get help. I am now waiting for a call from the local mental health centre and am hoping to get my head better. Thank you Charlie i will always be greatful for how you have helped me 😊🍍

  20. i wouldnt wish anxiety upon anybody it literally has ruined most of my life since i was basically norn until now at age 29

  21. Charlie, I've been watching you for past 7 years now and never spoke here. Just enjoyed your brightness, openness, fun ideas and just being you, as authentic as it can get. Now though, when I am going through very difficult time myself, I find such comfort in your words. I could not relate more than I do now. I think acknowledging that you are doing your best is absolutely essential for people that struggle with anxiety, depression or mental illness. To not blame yourself that you are not doing enough, or that you are not having fun, not doing the things you were supposed to do. It is an illness, a tough and dangerous one I dare to say because it can get you looping and feel like you will stay in this limbo existence forever. I refuse to think so. There is whole world open with wonders and who knows, maybe in 3 months, 6 months, maybe even in 4 weeks I will feel better and something or someone will make me feel like life is worth living. I just wanted to say to you Charlie, that I am so so incredibly grateful for the past 7 years that I've been watching your channel. Now it is 4 a.m. in Sweden and I'm feeling so restless and hopeless and remembered you recorded a video on that. And I came here, to make myself feel calmer. Thank you for giving me joy throught the years and being so honest and open about stuff that many people do not dare to speak. I send you many virtual Polish hugs and sweets. Be well, Agata

  22. So much support for this video, and you, Charlie. I have had anxiety all my life, and was only diagnosed with that, and depression, at around 17. I always felt like it was normal, and just the type of person I am. However since being told I have anxiety, it has made realise how I really did suffer with it growing up (if that makes sense). Thank you for making this video, to help people who suffer with mental illness know that they're not alone, and that so many others are dealing with something similar. Sending you all my love and support xx

  23. When I discovered I have anxiety it was a revelation-I also felt like up until the point I asked for help and was diagnosed that "that's just the way I was" and I always felt ashamed of myself for being that way which I guess fuelled the anxiety more. I'm glAd you shared your story with us. The sayings are true, "you are not alone". Always keep fighting. Xx

  24. I recently been diagnosed too and it was kind of a relief, like "wow, I'm not this awful cranky and boring person, I'm just ill"
    And I see myself getting better and that just makes me scared 'cause it puts me in a really investigating and alert state of my own mind, like I was doing everything wrong since sometime, you know?

  25. Hi Carlie! I've known about you since you uploaded your duet with yourself. I believe It was either 7-8 years ago. Saw this video on the suggestion videos. I never knew you had depression. I think it can help getting on video and talking about how you feel. You are loved❤️

  26. this made me think
    I've never done that
    separating the condition from who i am
    i just always addressed myself as that terrified anxious negative person.
    even tho i had it for 4 years now
    i never got myself a proper help i just watched bazillion yt vid and books
    thinkin that i could deal with it without meds
    yeah that got me no where

  27. Charlie it never goes away just gets a little each day. I first realized I had depression was in grade 3. My teacher she liked to pick on me. Depression and anxiety run in my family but other things brought it out. From one 90's kid to another back than it was like "You feel like this and it is your own fault!" The teachers couldn't touch you but be verbally abusive. Couple with all these expectations especially from my grandparents you got to do this and this but it like I am a kid! Imagine hearing stuff like that every two weeks. And being a twin. I love being a twin and constantly being compared and if your friends with someone it is just like "their twins have to put up with that one!" Like a third wheel. My anxiety and depression has got better since I have got old. I have more coping mechanisms but it is not gone. I still get anxiety and depression. Last summer it was pretty bad! My sister was getting married. Do not get me wrong I was happy for her it was other members of my family like "When are you getting married?" Or W"Why?" I was thinking is their something wrong with me?" Anyway take care Charlie!

  28. I remember the Challenge Charlie long time ago. One of the first Youtubers I started watching in the early days. I miss your red hair though!

  29. I've been watching you for years. Not joking you were one of the first youtubers I watched and I recently returned to your channel to re-watch some old videos and I saw this. For some reason this is one of my favorite videos on the subject even though it doesn't go in depth, maybe it's because I've been watching for so long it feels more genuine than any other channel, I don't know. I have no clue where I was headed with this but I guess I'm just saying thank you for making this video. It's probably been commented a thousand times by now but I'm going through some stuff myself (seeing a therapist etc) but I haven't been diagnosed with anything so I can't really speak for that. Though I can relate to the issue of spending hours thinking through social situations before going out. It's really helps whenever another youtuber (especially ones who I feel closer to) are able to talk about something like this because it makes me feel…. not alone? I guess. Thank you. I know I'm one year late don't touch me

  30. I love u charlie since my ITE college days.. I didn't have any friends… But i watch ur videos and i laugh so hard and am happy… U are perfect just the way u are. Have faith ok Charlie. Love from Singapore.

  31. If medication works for you Charlie then who I am to judge, I would say however as woo woo as it may sound that our true answer is in gratitude, it changes everything. Simply focusing on the things in life that you are grateful for, programmes your brain for the good things in life. I know it's hard, in the midst of a depressive episode but if you can allow yourself – into that space – to say "I am grateful for…" I promise you and anyone still reading that feeling of dread loses its power exponentially. Loss, abandonment low self-esteem are crippling and yet, going through it rather than suppressing its symptoms with medication forfeits your comfort in the short term for happiness in the long term. Gratitude 'literally' programmes your brain in a way that serves you. It opens you up and allows you to give that feeling of good and when you do so; what you give is what you get in return. Let the upward spiral of gratitude become your new baseline, forget the medication and go 'through' the pain knowing you'll be stronger and happier on the other side.

  32. You go, Charlie! Sharing these sort of things is soo important! So thank you and I hope you feel better every day! Keep being kind to you x

  33. Niacin treatment (flush version) is the best treatment for stress & anxiety. You need to talk to a nutritionist first. Long-term use of niacin needs regular blood tests, it is very safe if monitored correctly.

    Niacin kills anxiety and depression dead with the right subscribed dosage.

  34. have you tried counselling? that works well and isn't dependent on medication. sometimes you just need to talk someone and they give constructive advise or help you problem solve and learn new techniques and make improvement in variety of areas in life emotional and social aswell as yourself. they are more relatable and at peoples level and tend to have more empathy than doctors or psychiatrists. they realise things take time and aren't as pushy for results

  35. also I can see why doctors were hesitant to prescribe antidepressants at 16 as the brain is still developing and can become dependent on them when not needed. however if you have reached the point of high stress and often suicidal it is better to take meds to help balance things out. also people can get confused with other mental disorders such as bipolar and if you take antidepressant it can lead to a manic episode. that is why doctors need to be more careful before prescribing pills. takes a while before you find the right combo that works for you. then later in life due to stress/life events you may need to review meds and take another type for it to work again.

  36. I relate to you very much here. I had severe depression since I was 11. I can pinpoint the year but iy never got better- it only worsened and I finally got diagnosed when I was 25 or 26 and the antidepressant helped me realize it was real and genuinely needed medication

  37. I saw a video of PJ where he was basically telling you harsh advice and immediately when I listened I knew you had severe depression and he did not understand. People who haven't had it to the level we have (i'm assuming yours is as bad as mine from what ypu say) will never ever get it

  38. Two things helped my depression/anxiety. 1. Medication 2. Learning how to move my thoughts from Problem=Automatic Panic, to Problem=ok, what the f*ck do I do about it? Albert Ellis videos helped me a lot. 🙂

  39. When I posted a video talking about my depression (and how I got better), I got a lot of support. It was quite ironical because I was trying to help others, and instead I got help for myself. Which is kind of what happened to you.
    I think most people are not used to seeing others talk about their disease with the intention to help, they might just see it as a cry for help.

  40. you make a video like this every couple years we get it you're messed up in the head you don't have to keep telling us

  41. I understand completely. However it was not the Doctor that diagnosed me, it was the Nurse Practitioner. I felt the same way you do and still do. However finding the right person to talk to makes all the difference. Your best is all you can do and that is what I try to do!

  42. i love you soosososoo much for this. This is the first time I have watched one of your videos after about 5 years of Charlie hiatus. It feels like you're an old friend who I haven't seen for years and I have just managed to catch up with after going on completely different journeys, but having come back together again at similar points in our life. that sounds so sappy but ah well hehe. It's beautiful to get to know the person behind the adorable cutsey but more or less 2 dimensional youtube character that was all we saw back in the day. It makes me feel like despite the glamour of screens and views that in the end we are both just humans struggling to get to grips with the complexities of the world that we have been thrown into. You've achieved so much despite everything you have been going through, and it gives me hope that I can too can do the same. xx

  43. Medication helped me A LOT, but it doesn't for everyone. My mom hates anti depressants, she says they make her feel bad – but they don't for me. They literally stop me having suicidal melt downs, which I had pretty much on a monthly basis(it was linked to my menstrual cycle, yeah).

  44. It's been about 5 years since I paid attention to anyone on youtube, and I'm so happy to see so many youtubers talking about this now!
    It was really nice to hear you talk about the doctor brushing you off, because it's really important: you know yourself, if you feel that a diagnosis (or lack thereof) doesn't sit right, get a second opinion

  45. Keep up the Good work my man! You have all my respect and support❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘😘😘😘

  46. Thank you for being courageous enough to be honest. For being raw and real and authentic. For telling it like it is for you and for many others who are experiencing depression and/or anxiety. And for using Social Media "for good" – for a dialogue around really important issues. I truly believe depression and anxiety are misunderstood by doctors and by society. There are so many factors on the physical, mental, emotional, energetic, and spiritual levels. I'm so glad you found something(s) that are supporting you as you navigate this life journey. Thank you for sharing, many blessings. namaste

  47. I'm so medicated, I don't feel like myself. I hate that hazy feeling, but at least I don't freak out everytime I think I have a heart decease or a tumor, anymore.

  48. I suffer from depression too, Charlie. I try hard not to let anyone see me in a depressed mood. I don't think anyone would know if I didn't tell them. But it hits hard sometimes when I am alone. I feel that its really important to get treatment because if it goes untreated, mild depression can suddenly turn into deep depression. Please take care of yourself, and thank you for talking about this subject. It should be ok to talk about it the way we would talk about anything else in life. And I think it would encourage those that need help to deal with it to feel ok seeking the help they need. So much better than keeping everything bottled up inside.

  49. A thing I hate about mental illness is how it rather becomes a person's public identity, and it's annoying how family members say that you can use your experience to help others with similar issues. I don't want my whole life to be centered around an illness. I don't want people to only think of me as "guy with OCD." There's a whole lot to me, personally and publicly, that's isn't OCD. It's a part of my life, I completely agree with that, but that's not all it is.

  50. One of my favorite verses of the Bible, which I'm still in the process of understanding, is how Paul says that it's better to suffer for righteousness or for no good reason at all than it is to be punished for suffering. I know, I know, it sounds counterintuitive, but there's a reason he said this. When you're punished for doing something bad, you don't learn much; the only thing you learn is "doing this is bad." When youre suffering for no good reason, you can learn a good deal of things. I like to compare it to optical illusions. We've been able to learn a good deal about the human eye and the brain through these "faults" of the eyes. If these faults didn't exist, how excruciatingly hard would it be to learn anything? In the same way, how hard would it be to learn anything about life if we didn't just suffer for random reasons? In the case of mental illness, we would never be able to learn that our thoughts are not us.

  51. My 3 children, 29, 27, and 10 all have anxiety, and the older two have also been diagnosed with depression,it’s definitely genetic I would say, I am really glad you are navigating treatments that help you.Thank you for wanting to support and encourage others with the same struggles and I hope you feel how genuine the support you get from us on the other side of the screen really is.

  52. Charlie you are such a beautiful light. I don't know you but you have a beautiful energy about you. you are helping a lot of people with sharing your life. Hope you are doing better. Sending lots of good chi from Cali.

  53. Only finding this video now, but for everyone struggling with both anxiety and depression: the book "Reasons To Stay Alive" by Matt Haig really made me feel better. He talks about his own experiences with these illnesses, and he strongly stresses the idea that you are not your illness. In a world where the majority of people still don't seem to understand what it feels like (they try, they really do. You just cannot understand it if you haven't experienced it yourself), I found this book really comforting :).

  54. My boyfriend dumped me a month ago because he couldn't stand an anxious and depressed girl like me. I was trying so hard hiding my anxiety and depression, and as we got closer, I told him about my anxiety and depression. He told me that he's cool with it. I was so happy. But he left. I really hate myself. And new semester just started and I get sick a lot because of so many college stuff I have and being extremely busy only gives my anemia time to show up, and I still overthink about how bad I am. I'm really tired but I feel better after watching this video. I am not alone and we're all trying our best. I hope we can still be grateful and happy despite of our depression and anxiety. I'm sorry for my bad english because english isn't my first language 🙇 thank you Charlie! xoxo

  55. Charlie, this Video just came back up in my rotation. To qoute you " I feel ya". I hope you're doing better these days…
    I really hope that you and your girl are doing good in Canada. Your Visa should be up soon. Renew it! I think the UK is bad for you – and Canada is GOOD for you!
    Come see us in Cincinnati Ohio Sometime- i think you'd like it. Anyway, hope you're doing better now than you were at the time of when you filmed this !!!!

  56. Oh my God! Toronto makes me so anxious. I live a couple of hours away, so I drive out there sometimes. Ironically, I love visiting that chaotic city. Hahaha. Gotta love anxiety.

  57. I hope you keep making videos. But if you're making them just because you want people to like you, you will die from anxiety and depression. I will pray for you. I feel for you… I've been there before.

  58. Because we have alien genes charlie.. Humans has always this feeling like we don't belong here.. We seemed to have this feeling that we dont fit in. Because we dont.. We dont belong in this planet 100%

  59. I love you Charlie. I watched your videos when you were just starting out and friends with Nerimon and YouTube was young. You still make great videos man! Fun science is interesting. Make some more vlogs like this though too, I liked this video. I have had mental health difficulties too and I understand. Meditation and chanting really helped me, also prayer. Try it out maybe, see if it helps you. I also have medication and I agree with you, if it helps, it helps. Just remember like the Buddha said all things are impermanent, all suffering ends. X

  60. I've always liked your videos, thank you for sharing, I´m dealing with the same thing right now, is like you read my mind. It´s frustrating when nobody understands you, seeing all the comments and your video makes me feel a little better. Thank You!

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